Time. That's the answer that none of us like, but it's the one that does the most good. It takes time, and it can't be rushed. During the passage of that time, it is crucial that we continue to learn and grow, read, pray, talk, get counseling, get out and do things, be with friends, raise our kids and be great parents to them, etc.. It's like walking through the forest, and you can't see anything else because of all the trees. Keep walking, and the trees will eventually start to thin out, and you can see more. And then you keep on walking, and eventually you'll come to a rise, where you can look all around and see everything. It's work, for sure...and it requires a commitment.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. It seem unbearable at times, I know. It's tough when people say these things like you deserve better, time will heal, but they are true. It doesn't help things right now in the moment but sounds to me as though he was pretty selfish. Obviously. I too don't understand how anyone can do that to their child. Three years?? It's tough and heartbreaking! Easier to avoid it then deal with it I'm sure. That's how my H thinks and operates. It is tough to let go, I know I"m struggling with the same thing. I've been telling myself lately I need to be with someone who will value me, respect me, and put into the relationship what I do as well. Worth more. You sit and wonder maybe if I would've done this or that or why or how! I know I think these are pretty normal feelings, questions, emotions. Are you doing any counseling yourself?
Antlers - thanks - such wise words. Now for me to try and incorporate them into my life. That's the tough part. But we have no choice do we - it's that or drown in all the negativity. I am working on it - it's a work in progress and hopefully there's a happy ending for all of us.
Nikblondiew - He was very selfish - they have to be to inflict this kind of hurt on the people that are closest to them. I know my XH is and was fully aware of how devasting this would be for me. He just didn't care. After all the years (not that many compared to some people on the site I know) we spent together after all my demonstrations of love to this man he completly violated my trust and our vows. It is tough to let go. I find it in my head way more than I want it. I wish there was a switch we could turn off. And I do the same thing - second guess every move I made during the marriage. Maybe if we didn't have this fight - maybe if I didn't say that, maybe if I had been nicer to his mother... Maybe maybe - but the truth is no one is perfect in a marriage. I saw someone wrote Love is a choice and that is so true. And you have to choose to forgive your partner. Because no matter who you're with there are going to be problems in every marriage - no one has the right to just go "see ya later" just because of their own selfishness. That's why I think it's crazy when someone like my XH rushes into another relationship - I wonder what could be so different?? Is she perfect? I don't get it.
Anyway, I went to my counselor today. I like him a lot. Intellectually he gets it. He is wise and straightforward and honest about things. I have a lot of work to do and I know this. We decided I should really just concentrate on trying very hard to be in the momment and not think about the past or the future too much.
We decided and I think this is important that I not get involved in any way with anyone for at least 6 months. And I am going to commit to this with gusto. I need to allow myslef the opportunity not to get involved with a man knowing full well I emotionally am not ready for any type of commitment. So there. Not till July will I even invite the idea.
Rather I will spend the next 6 months working on myself. Trying to take care of myself emotionally and physically. Trying to forgive myself for the past, trying to make a happy home for me and my daughter and trying to sort out where I want to be in the next year. I want to read, and paint and spend time with friends and travel. I want to love life again and I will... I just need time and patience and I cannot allow this one person. A truly selfish and horrible person take everything away from me. The only way I am going to get the happy ending I want is this way. There is just no way around it. And maybe after all this suffering there will be a light and that light will be brighter and more than I could ever have hoped for. I hope so. And I hope it for all the other people on this site struggling as I do. Till tomorrow
Had a rough day today. Don't know why feel angry and frustrated a lot of the time. My emotions are so all over. I am so sick of feeling like this - how is this going to make anything better. Will I ever feel better... Like really better - like my old self. I miss my old self.
Why do you think my XH lied to me in NY? Why not tell me he was living with someone and planning to marry her. And that too living with her for 3 years??? Why even lie about that? Why watch me cry and pour my heart out and not tell me the truth? Why was this man so awful to me? What was/is it about me that he couldn't care less about my feelings? I lie to my friends (I rarely lie but when I do) I feel sooooooooo guilty. Why don't these people feel guilty about everything they do and all the people they hurt? It's awful - how am I ever going to understand and come to terms with this?
Because he is a liar. He cnnot deal in truth so he lies.
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Why was this man so awful to me? What was/is it about me that he couldn't care less about my feelings?
Sweetie it had nothing to do with you as a person. He is who he is. You didn't do anything to make him inconsiderate or unfeeling...it's who he is. Please stop trying to find fault with yourself to excuse his actions. It isn't about you.
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Why don't these people feel guilty about everything they do and all the people they hurt? It's awful - how am I ever going to understand and come to terms with this?
It is awful, but again, it is not about you. It is about him and the kind of person he is. I am not saying you are perfect, or did everything right in the marriage, but it isn't all about you. Some people are not strong enough to face their faults, so they blame others and run away. That is what he did. Even if you had been perfect, he probably would have done the same thing, because that is who he is. You need to realize that you did the best you could under the circumstances and learn from the mistakes you made. As you move forward in life and into new relationships you will have the knowledge and experience to not repeat the mistakes, and you will be more informed in what you are looking for in a partner.
Last edited by bright_new_day; 01/07/1001:55 PM.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Stillalone I know what you mean. I have my days too. I'll be ok for a few days and then bam it hits me hurt and anger. Today is my 31st birthday and the 3rd year I'm spending it with this garbage revolving around me. I'm moving in the right direction of letting him and our marriage go, I know it's the best thing I can do for myself and my son but doesn't mean it's easy.
They lie because it's easier to do that then to face the reality and consequences.
Hi there, this is what I told you before. Read back and breathe...
Hello--I admire you for trying one more time and it is a shame he is such a coward that he could not tell you his true situation. When you made that brave motion you allowed yourself some vulnerability and it hurt to learn that he was still the same person. He literally left everything behind, honey I know that feeling and it was after 24 years.
You sound very, extremely depressed. The guilties tell it all. His behavior is all about him and nothing to do with you. And just why would you think he is being nice to the new woman? And why would you want an abusive man back in your life? He was being abusive by lying to you besides. Passive aggressive. Bad news in a partner.
You would do well with a good clinical PhD psychologist who can help you see that you matter. Life may be hard sometimes without a man in your life, but it is much harder to deal with inappropriate guilt when you have done nothing wrong. You are doing a good thing by expressing your feelings here. Honor those feelings, pour them out, and stay strong. I never got answers as to why my x left me, see they do not want to tell because then you might offer a way to fix it and that is not what they want. And yes it could be a personality disorder but that's not the point. There are many mysteries in life, we can all ask why me God, and we will never know. It is not what happens but how we handle it. And it is not an easy path, better to learn sooner than later, that's my story and I am sticking to it:) Good luck, take a hot bath, and get some sleep. And eat. Those things will help you. Cheers, Wonder
Trying to stay positive. Trying to keep myself from thinking about the past - as soon as I get there I talk to myself and try and stop those thoughts. It's so tough. They come and it's exhausting having to police myself but I can't get bogged down in the negativity. So, I am just hoping in time it'll just get easier until I just don't think about it at all.
