Ok I cant believe I am posting this but here goes. This guy I am seeing has an addiction to porn. Now him looking at porn doesnt bother me, but it is affecting our sex life. First, I would like to express that we shouldnt be having sex outside of marriage in the first place, and he feels the same way, so I am struggling with that on top of this BUT sometimes I think he is using the religion as an excuse not to have sex. I say it is affecting our sex life for two reasons.
1)He NEVER initiates sex (he did once or twice when we first met). The first time we had sex, it was amazing, he was very attentive and romantic.
2)When we do have sex, he always wants to be the one in control, doesnt like me on top and there is no oral sex involved for me ( I have even asked for it, we have talked about this and he says he has to be in the mood for it). There is also no affection toward me no foreplay unless I am the giver. Sex or making love as he sometimes calls it, it just "get to the good stuff", which means him in contol until the deed is done. Its like I am in a porn video. Always from behind mostly. Now he does make sure I am taken care of, or so he thinks (mean but the truth).
I have tried talking to him about him initating sex and he just says we shouldnt be having sex in the first place. Which I cant argue with. I have said, yes we shouldnt but while we are, can you please be more blah blah blah, etc. I have asked him point blank if he like giving oral sex and he says he has to be in the mood for it. I ask him why cant he be romantic like the first time we made love and he says the same thing, I have to be in the mood for it. I know he has watched so much porn, that he believes that is what sex is suppose to be like. He has watched it for years and I am afraid this will not change. Also, he is so use to masterbating that when I visit or he visits on the weekends, he isnt in the mood for sex. He takes care of himself during the week. This is why he doesnt initate it I believe. I dont think it has nothing to do with the attraction to me, its all him but what do I do. Suggestions?
First, I would like to express that we shouldnt be having sex outside of marriage in the first place, and he feels the same way, so I am struggling with that on top of this BUT sometimes I think he is using the religion as an excuse not to have sex.
This jumps right out at me. This is a huge deal. I don't see how you're going to make any progress toward a better sex life if you both believe that you're doing something wrong by having sex. You probably don't want to hear this, but I really think you'd feel a lot better if you made a decision on this. You could try to ignore your religious issue, but if your religion is important to you, that probably won't work. You could just declare that there will be no sexual activity, but it sounds like that hasn't worked out.
Have you tried sitting down, discussing your religious scruples, and deciding how much sexual activity is too much? It might feel a little like high school, but it might really help you to have a firm idea of what you consider sinful and what is allowed. It's hard to give much advice without knowing which religion we're talking about, but you might be surprised if you approached someone of authority in your religion, like a preacher or rabbi. These guys are human beings, and some of them are pretty frank about sex issues.
I have to ask: is there a good reason you haven't told this guy you're not compatible sexually and you need to break up? If you read through here, you'll find a lot of people wishing they had paid attention to the warning signs before they rushed into a marriage with someone who had been showing signs that there would be no happy sex life after the wedding. I don't know if you're even thinking in terms of marriage, but your description of your sex life with this guy sets off alarm bells for me. It's one thing when you've been married ten years, have three kids and a genuine love for your partner, but your situation is different from that and you might save yourself a lot of heartache by cutting this guy loose. He sounds like he's awfully confused about sex, masturbation, religion, love and sin.
Silly is right....RUN, don't walk, away from marriage with him, if you are considering that. IMHO, there is no moral difference between sex with a "real girl" and fantasizing and masturbating with porn. This situation will require serious work and counseling before it will begin to resemble anything healthy.
Porn is an addiction. In my case, I thought, due to religious angst on both our parts, that sex would improve with my H after marriage, but unfortunately I was sorely mistaken. I didn't learn about his porn addiction until about 3 years later, and still I didn't draw a line in the sand over it for many years. Being passed over sexually for porn felt no different to me as a wife, than if he was having a full blown affair. It nearly distroyed our marriage.
Also very typical for the porn addict...your BF has already shown that he has difficulty relating intimately with you during "real" sex, where there are another person's feelings and desires to consider. Always from behind....seriously?? All he knows to expect is how to act out porn scenarios, and that's not REAL sex. Face it, if he is never "in the mood" now, it is not going to get any better.
I'm sorry, I know this hurts. I'm sure DQ and others with chime in as this topic has been discussed here before.
Let me say that I concur with most of what has been provided in the replies above. You are going to be fighting this with him as, given what you wrote, your concerns have made no difference. It will not change easily or readily. The religion excuse, BTW, fails in the presence of porn.
Silverado is right, RUN AWAY. Saying that this is not the relationship you want or envisioned is a perfectly valid reason to say ADIOS! And that is what you are saying. He may promise he'll change...but given what you've written, he won't. It will be upsetting to you, maybe to him, too (but maybe not for him, who knows). It's one thing to use porn to assist in triggering the desire (my ex used to read the "Letters" in Penthouse and would absolutely jump me after sitting there, usually on the bed, reading other's adventures, and gently playing with herself). Or to use it as a way of exciting oneself to discover how one's body reacts (and then to use what you learn to add to the quality of lovemaking).
It's something all-together different to use it as a substitute for the real thing with a real-live person willing to give themself to you (and you to them).
You deserve better than this.
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
Silverado what was it like with your h? Did he initiate sex? Did he change positions? Give me some details please. I have made the mistake of letting my bf think that he is pleasing me, if I wouldnt do this, then maybe he would try different things. I brought this part on myself. I have made him think he is the greatest.
Also why is it you think that he NEVER wants me on top? He also could care less if he gets oral sex and I CAN and HAVE pleased him in that way. I dont understand.
I care alot about him and I am not willing to give up my relationship with him at this point.
Why would you want to live like this and what are you getting from it?
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
You are asking a lot of questions that none of us are going to be able to answer...you will have to ask your BF. His reasons could be any of a number of things. The BEST question at this point may be for you to ask YOURSELF--how important is sex to me and do I love this man enough to live without it.
When I met my H, I was 25 and virtually inexperienced with sex but an eager pupil. My H is 13 years older than I am, but right out of the starting gate in our relationship, he indicated that I was too eager and wanted too much. I understood that to mean that HE decided when we would have sex.
Yes, my H initiated since he was in control of the frequency. In addition to his low libido, he also experienced premature ejaculation, so I almost never gave him oral or touched his equipment...he couldn't take it. We usually had very simple direct missionary position sex. He always made sure that I climaxed and he used oral to make that happen in the most expedient way possible...much like pouring kerosene on the fire. Git er done...then go to sleep. This type of sex happened in the early years of our marriage on a once or twice per month schedule. It was impersonal and often the only "special" attention I received from him.
Was porn THE major contributor to our sexual problems--sure it was *a* big factor in my opinion. But so was smoking, workaholism, emotional immaturity and neglect, lack of communication and DAM-ness. Most of it garden variety chit. But enough about me.
What do you want to do since you care about this man? According to your sig, you are 42 years old. Even with my experiences with the porn thing, I can't identify a whole lot with the concerns you have expressed about BF. You love a guy who has some seriously disfunctional attitudes or insecurities about sexuality and it doesn't sound like he views it as a problem...am I right? If he does come to a place where he admits he has some issues here, will he get therapy and do the work on himself to get better? How will you feel if he won't? What boundaries are you willing to set to protect yourself?
Sounds like there is enough concern on your part about this, that the two of you need to knuckle down and discuss. Don't be afraid to do it and sincerely express how his behavior is making you feel. You will learn quickly whether he loves you enough for you to be making this level of sacrifice.
"I have made the mistake of letting my bf think that he is pleasing me, if I wouldnt do this, then maybe he would try different things. I brought this part on myself. I have made him think he is the greatest."
Well, yes. You aren't at all in a position to have a satisfying, authentic, genuinely intimate sex life. You are faking and lying throughout the sex act.
Write him a caring email telling him that you have been faking pretty much all (or all) your orgasms. Tell him also that you are not interested in a LTR that does not include a satisfying and genuinely intimate sex life.
But, I don't see why you don't end the R. BF seems comfortable using you as he wishes for an occasional sexual release and does not seem to give your wishes any weight. Pretty much of a non-starter to me. Of course, perhaps he believes that he is giving your wishes plenty of weight as you've consistently lied and deceived him regarding your sexual satisfaction. Thus, this takes us back to first getting honest about your orgasms.
Yes, I know what a bind it is to have been faking orgasms. I know it is hard to come clean. But it is necessary for a healthy sex life and healthy R.
As for porn, why do you think BF has a porn addiction? Many men masturbate daily. They still want sex. I really think that you need to confront the fact that this guy is not the partner that you need, rather than look for excuses for an already horribly poor sex life in porn and masturbation.
