She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[sandi2]

I am so proud of you. You're doing a great job!

[Awoken]

Wow and thanks Sandi! that's just what I needed today.

[Awoken]

W just told me that she saw her lawyers on Monday and she has filed for D. She will give me the papers sometime next week.
At least she isn't having me served.

Somehow she thought that collaboration and mediation where the same things. Her lawyers (a very expensive firm) want her to do collaboration.

I was pretty calm when she told me. I asked her for some details of what she was asking for in the divorce. She said we could work out 50/50 custody depending on what we work out. She says she is asking for spousal support, but the amount isn't determined. I thought that those things were specified in the filing papers, but I guess I'll have to wait to find out.

My hands are shaking, and I've got an odd mix of distress and calm which is pretty scary. She just left to go swimming, and I'm home supervising the kids while they visit with friends. I need to hold it together until late tonight.

I told my W that we needed to tell the kids what was going on before the weekend of was over, and better tonight than right before they go back to school. She finally agreed. She said I'm going to "throw her under the bus". I said, "No I won't, I'll say that I love her and I'll respect her decision. I won't lie to my kids especially since they already know intimately that she is the one that wants out of the M".

this is gonna be so hard. I've been preparing but I honestly wasn't expecting this so soon. Today is three months since the bomb.

Friends, today I need your support more than ever.

[Awoken]

my W came home, and we called our kids down to the living room. W tell them that "mom and dad are getting a divorce" and looks at me and says "what do you want to add?". I said "please tell them what we agreed upon". After many seconds of awkward silence, she tells them "I filed for divorce on Monday". I then told them "I love your mother and I want her to be happy. I respect her decision. We both love you very much."
After more silence, I asked my kids if they had any questions.
D17 had a few basic ones, and S13 said it was pretty simple and he didn't want to ask anything. They then asked to be alone so they could talk to each other.

The look of despair, anger, grief, and ultimately resignation on their faces it the worst thing I've ever seen.

[Trixi]

my W came home, and we called our kids down to the living room. W tell them that "mom and dad are getting a divorce" and looks at me and says "what do you want to add?". I said "please tell them what we agreed upon". After many seconds of awkward silence, she tells them "I filed for divorce on Monday". I then told them "I love your mother and I want her to be happy.I respect her decision. We both love you very much."

Okay, I admit, I am not a good DB'er..But.. WHY would you "respect" her decision?! How do you respect someone's choice to dismantle the family? And why say that you love her and want her to be happy? You love your kids and eating ice cream 24/7 would "make them happy", but you wouldn't endorse it, would you?

I'm sorry for what you are going thru- I know it must hurt like he11-- I just feel like your wife is getting off the hook for the CHOICES SHE IS MAKING!

[Sister]

And why say that you love her and want her to be happy? You love your kids and eating ice cream 24/7 would "make them happy", but you wouldn't endorse it, would you?

Because he does still love her and wants her to be happy. No need to lie to the children. Sure you wouldn't want to feed your kids ice cream 24/7, but he has no control over what his W is doing. He never said that he wanted the D. I think they will understand where he is coming from.

[Trixi]

For me-- I don't want my kids to think I 'respect' bailing on a commitment.
"Gee, Son, you committed to playing baseball this season, but since it doesn't make you happy, go ahead and quit. I respect that."

"Sure, you borrowed that money and should pay it back, but since it is impinging on your going out to party, I agree that you shouldn't pay it back. I respect that."

Yes, I'm sure he loves her, and I am sure he wants her to be happy, but that doesn't mean you 'respect' how someone chooses to achieve that. Prescription drugs "make people happy" but it's not good for them.

I'm probably getting stuck on semantics or something. I totally think it's great that the kids were told they were loved by both...but the other.... just doesn't sit right with me. I think silence would have been better on the subject of respect.

edited to add--
Just because you don't "respect" the choice someone made doesn't mean that you don't love them or want them to be happy.

[Sister]

The look of despair, anger, grief, and ultimately resignation on their faces it the worst thing I've ever seen.

(((Awoken)))
This just broke my heart! I'm so sorry you had to experience that with your children.

I think you handled it well. You were firm in expecting your W to say the things that the both of you had agreed upon and laid the filing where it belonged. I think it's a good thing that the kids wanted to talk to each other alone. They may have more questions after awhile. Just prepare yourself.

I guess now the hard part starts. It's never easy even when you know it's coming, is it?

[kara]

(((Awoken)))

I am sorry that you and your kids are going through this.

There is not much I cansay but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Awoken]

Trixi,
I appreciate your what you are saying. I guess the message that I was trying to give what that I respected that my wife had made a decision. Unfortunately, both my kids already know intimately that I did not want a divorce.

I knew this conversation was coming...someday (I was still surprised it was today!). I've been rehearsing/researching it for the past week, reading many threads here. Here's what I've been thinking: Both my kids still strongly identify with my W, and its important to me that they have a good relationship with her. My W has done a lot over the past 3 months to injure her relationship with them, and I'm sure today didn't help. I have a feeling that my kids sense/feel that they made up of 50% W and 50% me. Any anger with W (or me!) may ultimately come back on themselves. I don't want to teach them how to "dismantle a family", but it looks like they are getting the lesson no matter what I do. I'm trying to balance what is causing the least damage I suppose.

I know I have more conversations in the immediate future with them. Please keep talking; I need the input!