There is nothing I cannot accomplish this year. I will not let situations or circumstances hold me back any longer. This is a new year and goals will be met.
This IS my year to succeed at what I want in life. The new year and the challenge is on.
Kevin
Last edited by K4D; 01/04/1004:42 PM.
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
One of those goals includes not being reactive anymore, but proactive.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
You can say whatever you want, but your actions shout louder than your words.
Again, I understand that you want to protect your kids, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, there are things that go beyond 'protection' and this is one of them.
Quote:
As far as talking to the C. Again this is not about control so much as what do I do now about what my W has chosen to involve my girls in
You already expressed to you STBXW how you felt about this. End of story with her in that respect. If you need to continue to work on this, then you work on this with your C and your kids, not by trying to insert yourself into the C session between your STBXW and your kids.
My direct challenge to you was to go get those books, read them and understand them, while looking at yourself at the same time in context of them.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Your next two posts are good, but make sure the focus is on you and your kids, and start there, and not from a starting point of anger.
Your reacting to my post with anger, and that is not there intent. I just want you to open your eyes to other possibilities that exist, even from your own perspective!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
One of those goals includes not being reactive anymore, but proactive.
Kevin
How are you going to be proactive? We have already discussed that there isnt much you can do about the OM's in W's life with your kids. You have told her how you felt..that is about all you can do.
So what can you do proactively besides that? To me, you had a better mindframe when you were pissed at her. You were ready to end the M because of the OM and the kid situation. Now you are backing off on that and standing for your M again.
Getting a D does not mean that maybe down the road if both you and W change and both want the M you cannot R. But sitting there passively waiting and watching her live her life like a single woman with multiple OM's doesn't seem like the right thing to do..even for your girls.
What would you do if say down the road one of your girls was in the exact same situation with her husband...he is having affairs, living separate as a single man, hurting your precious daughter every single day, and on and on...what would you tell her? I bet you would tell her to get out and D...he doesn't seem like a guy to be married to and he likes his life the way it is.
Kevin, she isn't waffling. She isn't looking back. She is moving on as a single woman without the consequences of having to go thru D.
Sorry to be harsh..I know how you feel. I live it everyday.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Your reacting to my post with anger, and that is not there intent. I just want you to open your eyes to other possibilities that exist, even from your own perspective!
iwantittowork,
I realized after I wasn't thrilled with your post and decided at that point I have to include not being reactive as one of my biggest goals to accomplish this year which has to start today.
Ultimately I am not trying to control my W. I am just trying to figure out how to best protect my kids from something I consider to not be in their best interest.
I guess I felt like you were coming after me for trying to watch out for my kids. And that didn't sit well with me. Perhaps I misread what you were saying.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
The whole thought process of the custody battle was to try and protect my girls from having men brought in and out of their lives. Not a very stable way to grow up. Plus they don't need to be part of their married mom portraying this kind of behavior to them and involving them.
LOL. They are just friends Kevin. You have no evidence to the contrary. You are only speculating on HER behavior. A little fantasy in your head perchance?
What right do you have to tell your wife what friends SHE can introduce or can't introduce to HER children?
NONE.
Who are you to decide what is a stable way of life or what behavior your wife should portray in front of HER daughters?
HAVE YOUR DAUGHTERS EVER SEEN YOU DRUNK OR OVERHEARD YOU CALL YOUR WIFE A WHORE?
Your wife is not suppose to be happy or move forward with HER life?
WHY NOT? Because you Cannot? and your daughters are suppose to suffer because of your need to control other peoples lives.
This is a new year. Time for a new mind set. You say you are not trying to CONTROL. You say how you are not OBESSED with your CAUSE to get your WAW and Family back. But YOU are. You have to STOP being in DENIAL about YOUR ADDICTIVE/OCD Personality. Stop trying to CONTROL other people and other things. YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF and for some people with ADDICTIVE PERSONALITIES SELF-CONTROL is NOT always POSSIBLE.
I think you did great in your interaction with your WAW. When she started talking about her "friend" being around the girls. You should have cut her off in a RESPECTFUL yet WITH BOUNDARIES way and say "W you know how I feel about introducing our girls to OM. It will just hurt and confuse them. If YOU CHOOSE not to RESPECT my requests that is YOUR CHOICE..." PERIOD. You state YOUR BOUNDARY and that's it. No more CONTROL NO MORE THREATS!!! Show her you are a man. Not a mouse!!!
It's a good sign she is telling you these things. She is either trying to make you jealous or still hurt you. Regardless of the motivation she is still ATTACHED to you. Whether it's ATTACHMENT through LOVE or HATE it is still ATTACHMENT. It will piss her off even more if you DONT REACT EMOTIONALLY and just say "You know how I feel...PERIOD"
It works. In fact I know it works because my X called me over the weekend after realizing that she was possibly loosing custody of her daughter if I continued with my court proceedings and said she was now realizing all the mistakes she has made and is regretting doing what she did. She went on to say that she RESPECTS me for the way I fought for our M and our D4. She wished things could be different considering I am seeing someone that LOVES and RESPECTS me NATURALLY and is willing to FIGHT for me. Which is ulimately what everyone here wants.
It was hard to hear the sadness in her voice, but I tried for a long time to get her to see what I was saying. I had reached a point where I could not ever TRUST her again and that was my NUT. It was a hard decision, but one I needed to make for my SELF-PRESERVATION.
Just keep DETACHING and STATING your BOUNDARIES. The rest will all work itself out.
Kevin - if ever a D is filed, I dont think it wise to try for full custody. The expenses in such a battle are huge. I believe that since you are already coparenting with a schedule, most any court would try to maintain the status quo for the kids.
After a D, it would be hypocritical to not allow your XW to bring new men into her (and your kids) life. I am sure you would want to eventually date and meet someone new to fall in love with if you were to D. And you would not keep that person secret from your kids.
Introducing kids to the OM hits home with me. My W wanted to introduce the kids to him (who she called "just a friend") and I insisted that she not do it. She agreed. But she went ahead anyway secretly behind my back. I found out about it from my kids. The kids witnessed their mother sucking face with OM. OM even was kissing my daughter. My W crossed a line and there needed to be consequences.
I struck hard and fast (filed for a D with a protective restraining order). I did not show mercy in the beginning. There was always time for that later if she came around but I kept that big gun loaded and cocked. She was pissed at first, but she admited various times that she liked the strength I had. From that point forward, it was up to her to decide whether she valued our marriage and to prove to me that she wanted back. Even though she eventually asked me for another chance, I had moved on. To this day, I dont regret my choice.
My XW married the OM who was "just a friend" a few weeks ago. Things are cool now and we coparent very well.
If ever you do file for a D, you dont use that as a mechanism to coerce your W back. You do it for your own self respect and dignity. You do it because your boundaries have been crossed. You do it because living in limbo has reached a point where you refuse to tolerate anymore. You do it when you realize that you could never fully regain the trust and love for your spouse.
