It's tricky. But my opinion is that being "friends" really won't work. You can be civil. You can be friendly. You can cooperate as co-parents. But I think if you try to be friends you are going to confuse yourself, tbx, and the kids. There will be unspoken and contradictory expectations floating around that will just extend the pain, rather than allow the healing to start.
I can understand being in contact everyday for the sake of the kids, but having him hang out at your house is going to need to stop for you to move forward.
Hey BBJ,, if Dan has been hanging around so much, something tells me it is not because of the kids. If that were the case, he could take them to his house. It is obvious to anyone reading along here that BBJ is nowhere close to wanting to move on. Nothing wrong with that. I hope that book helps but again it is pretty hard to get over your break up when you see your H for 12 days straight....not at the drive through but in your house. BBJ I bet a whole bunch of us would be feeling the same way if our exes were lingering around for so long. pretty difficult to mourn the end of a relationship when the body is lying on your couch and still breathing. Hope things work out BBJ,,,I am still pulling for you.
Hey BBJ,, if Dan has been hanging around so much, something tells me it is not because of the kids. If that were the case, he could take them to his house. It is obvious to anyone reading along here that BBJ is nowhere close to wanting to move on. Nothing wrong with that. I hope that book helps but again it is pretty hard to get over your break up when you see your H for 12 days straight....not at the drive through but in your house. BBJ I bet a whole bunch of us would be feeling the same way if our exes were lingering around for so long. pretty difficult to mourn the end of a relationship when the body is lying on your couch and still breathing.Hope things work out BBJ,,,I am still pulling for you.
John,
That right there is funny! Because I got home around eleven from the party I went to, and he was literally sleeping on my couch!! I wasn't sure what to do, he had Sydney curled up with him. So I took her away from him and put her in bed. He said he was there sleeping by her b/c she kept waking up her brother.
Sure enough she came walking out of her room seconds later. So I put her in my bed and came back out. Dan was back asleep!? I debated waking him again or not, and I went and iced my back instead. Don't know why but my lower back on the left side has been killing me for 2 days...
So at 11:40 his alarm on his phone went off. He woke up again and got his coat and left. Tonight we review the final draft of our divorce settlement, then it is time to sign and be done with the legal part.
John, not sure what you meant about 'if he is hanging around so much it is not because of the kids'. I am pretty damn sure it isn't to be around me. He hasn't initiated a touch of any kind in a year except the occasional 'hold hands to say grace' business. I am thinking it is just more convenient to him to have them at my house instead of his parents...
And no John I am not totally done. I need help with that, hence the book...something has to change. Since Dan seems to want to continue this dance I will have to be the one to change the steps...
I hope your back feels better soon! Did you do something to hurt it?
I think Dan is about appearances, by spending his time with the kids at your house, he can let it "appear" that things are "normal". I think he is ashamed (though not enough to have let it stop him) of what he has done, and the less he has to be public (taking the kids to his parents' house), the better he likes it. Of course, BobbiJo, you know that you are going to have to raise a boundary on that one. What he is doing is confusing to the kids, I don't see any way around that.
I hope things go smoothly for you this evening... I know it's not what you wanted, and it will be hard, in a way. But I really don't see another path that makes any sense at all. HUGS!
Jeff, I am not sure what I did to my back. I mean, I have moved some furniture around and stuff getting cleaned and organized around the house.
But it is one side in particular and very reminiscent of the time I went to the doc for a pulled muscle in my back (I thought) only to find out I had a severe kidney infection. My two choices were to into hospital for IV antibiotics, or go in after teaching every day for 5 days and get giant shots in both hips. I went with door #2 so I didn't miss work. If it isn't better tomorrow I will have to go to the doc...
Hey BBJ, I am not even sure what I meant....it just seems odd that a grown man would spend so much time in your house to be with the kids. Maybe I am not grasping the dynamics of the situation. 12 straight days....he is obviously getting something out of that....maybe just the comfy couch.
Hey Bobbi.. Happy New Year! And thanks for the tip.. I saw some in the shop here, but they were super expensive! I might get then though, hey its for an important reason..
Quote:
So I put her in my bed and came back out. Dan was back asleep!? I debated waking him again or not, and I went and iced my back instead...
...Bobbi how would you/will you feel when Dan no longer is lying asleep in your house when you come home? That instead of seeing him for 12 days straight.. you might not see him at all for 2 weeks and only then for a child handover, becuase thats how it will be presumably, one day.. at the monment you dont have to face that reality, because he's still very much in your life (just not in a R way!) and you know deep down that you can 'rely' on him being around like this, like a ghost drifting around your life.
Do you think he's in MLC? Someone once said to me, MLCers are different and need consistency, never turn them away.. or not? Do you think he's done? Really? Or not? What does your intuition tell you?
What could you have done differently above? Could you have said, why are you here? Thanks for settling Sydney, but you are divorcing me, therefore its probably not appropriate that you choose to sleep in my house, especially without asking permission...
I know you talked about it here a bit and read all the workbooks... but you never really did set proper boundaries with Dan, let go and made him feel the true weight of his decision.
I say this becuase I've always been so damn curious as to what might have happened if you did!
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I leaned over to kiss Nathan and Sydney as everyone on TV was kissing for New Year's. Dan was holding [censored] so I leaned at him and he turned like he would kiss me on the mouth. I just tipped my head and kissed him on the cheek. So funny b/c a month ago I would have given a limb to get a kiss from him and then I chose to minimize it!
something tells me that detachment does not work this way...
I would have kissed one of his cows before kissing him on the cheek
