I was on here years ago. It helped me a great deal to post things back then and I am hoping it will help again. My H left me and my daughter. Once we got back together after a seperation on 3 months. He put me through h#ll during that time and I suffered as we all do terribly. He came back we tried to work on the marriage then 7 months later (we had moved to another country for his work) he lost his job, moved us back to where we were living before and basically things escalated to a point where he stayed in the other country and eventually we divorced.
I never wanted the divorce. It was against my moral and ethical code but I felt compelled to file because he asked for the divorce and we were seperated (him living abroad) with hardly any contact for almost a year and a half. People told me I was stupid to wait and it was time to move on. So I filed. He never showed up for the divorce nor to get custody (joint) for our daughter. He basically seemed not bothered by the whole thing.
It's been 3 years since the divorce. And I have not moved on. I am still devasted - still emotionally scared. Still not in another relationship. Still dwelling on the past. Why it happened. Why it happened to me. I feel like I was a good wife. I know I am a good person and really loved my ex.
What hurts most is this Summer I contacted my ex. He hasn't seen my daughter nor I much in the last 3 years. I couldn't bear to see him he's hurt me soooooo much. Finally I called him told him we were going to be spending sometime in NY this Summer and I asked him to visit us.
He came - we spent time like a family. We went to shows, dinner, lunch - went sightseeing. I was so happy. I cried a lot - told him we had made a mistake - he didn't say much but agreed to talking more often etc. I was sort of hopeful. I had heard he was not involved with anyone.
Boy was I wrong!!! When I returned from NY we spoke. Once I got very emotional and I asked him point blank if we could get back together and he said no that he hd moved on. I lost it and cried and shouted asking him why he had married me in the first place if he didn't love me. I still don't buy the fact that you can love someone and then stop loving them. That's not really love then.
We stopped talking - once my cleaning lady said he has called and asked how we were. She is very close to all of us having worked for us even when we were married and she asked him if he was involved with anyone. He said no and he had said to me in NY that he was dating but not getting married. He said he might live with someone. But it had been hard for him to move on.
Turns out I found out through the internet that a month or so after I saw him in NY - he was married. He got married!!!! He lied to me in NY. I am soooooooooooooooo hurt... haven't been able to sleep or understand how someone can be so hurtful. I called him and he said it was none of my business. That I was confused in NY.
I also found out he has been living with this woman for more than 3 years. We only got divorced 3 years ago. I can't believe he could move on so quickly. What about me and our daughter. He never cared for us.... I am so hurt I can't begin to express the degree this has affected. I did everything for this man and he has treated me like garbage. But why????? I am an attractive, intelligent, cultured, caring person. Why would anyone want to abuse my heart and my life this way? What about the vows people take - how do they just not care.
Anyway, I am so sad, so hopeless these days. He was verbally abusive during my marriage. Left me not once but twice. Treated me like garbage. And somehow I feel like he's nice to this other woman. He has been an awful father.
Has not even called or sent anything for my daughter this Xmas. Please any advise would help - sorry this is so long.
Guess what? He left years before the divorce. He is consistent in his disregard for you and your child.
His personal life has been his business for three years. Finding out after the fact that he was involved with someone during the marriage is hurtful, but once again consistent with his actions.
How do you let go of the hurt? Why does this keep hurting so much?
It's time for you... for you to work on you. For you to take all that energy and angst you spend on him and give it to you, to your daughter.
He is the past. Giving him prime real estate in your mind will not fix anything, will not bring any understanding or validation.
Thanks so much. Everything is consistent with his past behavior. His lying to me in New York about being in a serious relationship and about getting married again. He said he wasn't serious with anyone and he wasn't planning on getting married. And then 2 months later he was married. When I called he said he had proposed and the other night on fb I found out he already is married. One lie after the other. And I was so good to him. I loved him...
I am still looking for answers. I have a hard time sleeping at night wondering why he did this to me. I wake up thinking about it. I am going to start going to counseling but in 4 years I still haven't been able to forget. This thing plagues me.
I wonder how someone can be so decietful. Is it some sort of personality disorder. I grew up with families that stayed together. Men took care of their wifes and children and didn't throw them away like garbage.
That's what I feel like - Like I was thrown away... and so was my beautiful and innocent daughter - and I don't know why. One day my husband was normal and the next day he left. A month before he had planned everything behind my back and gotten an apartment without me knowing. On his 40th bday he moved out... I didn't even know - I was on a trip and when I came back I walked into my house and everything was gone... It was devastating.
I feel like emotionally I was completly violated by this man. And this woman he's with has no idea what a monster he can be. He abused me verbally all the time and really hurt me emotionally. I feel like he is nice to this woman - but why? What was it about me that evoked such rage and wrath? Why did he hurt me? And my daughter. It's unfair. I want answers. I want to be able to sleep again and not feel like my life is over and he wins and I lose. I hate that...That's not fair because he was bad to me - shouldn't he have to suffer? Why is it I am the one who has to?
Any comments would be really helpful... I need to vent. People don't understand...no one does... All my friends are married to good guys - I am the only one who got stuck with a jerk.
But exH made me feel like the end was my fault. And he had no empathy for my sadness or hurt - nor for my daughter's. How do you live with someone for 5 years and have a child with them and not feel sorry when you hurt them? It seems so unnatural. Why didn't I know before I married him he would end up being this way? I wish I had know before. That's why now I have to be so careful so I don't end up with someone like him again.
I have so many friends telling me I have to stop thinking neg and start thinking positive. So hard to do... I want to be positive but feel so battered down.
Gypsy, I kinda have my hands full over here. But I'm okay. All I need is a little more sleep and a new right foot. (just kidding) Can you round up the girls? I'll come visit when time allows. Meanwhile, stillalone...you might want to just do a little reading. Take notes. Help is on the way. It's going to be okay.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
Please read my new thread and think about it. I can't take away your pain (I would if I could) but I understand it better than most. I felt everything that you are feeling. I also felt that he would wake up one day and "get it". Well, 8 plus years later - he does not!
You cannot change him or what he did to you. You can only change you and your reactions. Please focus on your future and that of your daughter. And let him go.
You cannot change him or what he did to you. You can only change you and your reactions. Please focus on your future and that of your daughter. And let him go.
Excellent advice, for many here. Thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
