Hi TF, Thanks for the post on my thread. I wonder if the conversation you had with your H- where there is an actual 'deep' conversation that is similar to our "normal" husbands peeking out of he tunnel periodically causes us to miss our former lives and husbands. Reminders of once was, of the dreams we had then, the futures we hoped for.
My H is also depressed(drinking more to self-medicate) and has low self-esteem. Since he has stopped therapy and antidepressants I have little hope that he will start looking inward and putting the pieces together to come out of the tunnel. He's just moving in any direction, just to move. I think he hasn't hit bottom yet, unfortunately.
We did have good lives. They don't see it. They don't remember the positive, only the negative and what was positive has been recast as negative-rewritten. We do remember and that causes emotional pain to realize it has been taken from us-that former life and path...but we, you and I and others here in the same situation, will have good lives again, if not presently.
Maybe finding the things to be grateful for today, right now, can help you get in a different frame of mind. I've been mentally where you are the last 2 days-little sleep either... Painting D14s room has been a good distraction and planning improvements around the townhome, ..and remembering all the wonderful things I do have- has all helped.
HUGS to you.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
It is so hard to imagine that they can't remember the positives. The thing that set me off earlier had been finding a card he wrote several years ago that was so sweet. He used to give me cards like that a lot. It is hard to think that those feelings he had would just go away, or weren't there all along or whatever.
I guess I feel better now with some caffeine and a nap. That conversation really threw me for a loop because outwardly it seems like he is making progress. I realized that nothing really has changed just because he expressed all of that. Any changes, etc. are still there. That is still what is going on in his head, I am just now more aware of it.
I fully expected him to withdraw or run today like he has in the past after a conversation like that but he didn't. It is so odd. Like I said before, he is acting so much more like himself (though not treating me like a wife, just a friend), we get along just fine, he is being a better dad than he has been in over a year, but he still obviously has major issues.
Okay, so the past few days have been pretty hard for me. Not really sure why. Maybe it is looking back to where things were a year ago and disbelief that that much time has passed (so maybe that part is not such a bad thing). January is bringing back some of the memories of how awful a year ago was because of various milestones or "anniversaries" or whatever you want to call them.
A year ago my H was angry and lashed out at me all the time and was acting like someone I completely didn't recognize. I couldn't figure out why and it was devastating. A full year has gone by. He is no longer angry (at me anyway, as far as I can tell) and isn't so awful but things are still not the way they "should" be (whatever that is, not sure anymore). If you told me a year ago that a year later he would still be acting crazy I wouldn't have believed it.
I have just been sad, and realizing how completely emotionally exhausted I am when I have any time to think about it, which fortunately is not much. The stress has gotten to me and I haven't been managing it like I should. My H seemed to wake up a bit the other day and was commenting on some of my physical signs of stress and didn't seem to understand it. He really can't figure out why I might be stressed?
I have had this urge for a few days now, to tell you to go back and read your thread. Read your own words. Read yourself, see how you have grown, who you are becoming, and be proud of yourself.
Yes, a little more than a year, who would have thought? But who would have thought you would have grown so much during that time?
Don’t let the milestones and his pop outs take any of that away from you. You backslid a bit. Don’t let him changing but not changing get you stuck. Now it is time to for TF to pick herself up, dust herself off, and keep moving forward.
We are all here with you sweetie.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks for checking in. I can't yet read my old posts. I cringe when I start to.:) I know that a year ago, and even when I started posting, I was still really a scared little girl who was so afraid of what the future might hold. Now, not so much but still growing and still honestly amazed at how much strength I had that I didn't know I had. Single parenting, NOT a piece of cake but I can do it.
Funny you should mention the word stuck because that is how I have felt the past few days, that I feel "stuck" in very many ways. Some of the new things I want to try, things I want to accomplish, I need to stop making excuses and get busy.:)
Well you know that I just read them all, and I made my comments on your other thread. When you are ready you can read them. I read them the wrong way too. I knew where you were and went to find out where you came from.
One of these days I may get up enough courage. It does help to have others notice my growth. I still have a long, long way to go. Of course, we should never be standing still, MLC or not.
TF- Take a breathe. Take a moment for yourself-schedule it if need be...And make one or two simple goals that are achievable in the next month or so..something to aim for, something you can accomplish and feel good about. It'll get you moving and that will help get you unstuck!
Its hard to feel stuck, but worse to be stuck and not know it! You'll keep moving forward and your H as well. The timetables may be different, but you'll both move..
Look forward, the past is in the past..Thinking of you!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
