She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Awoken]

Dane and Deep;

thank you so much for the replies and prayers. As simple a thing as they are, it really bolstered me during the past few days just to log in and read your supportive words here. I usually takes me quite a few minutes to type any reply, so I haven't had a chance to respond until now.

Your friends will support you, all you have to do is ask them.
I will pray for you my friend.

This meant a lot to me!

[Awoken]

Hi Awoken, sorry you are having such a hard time. Chiming in with some support, take it for what it's worth.

It meant a lot these past few days; thanks again

To answer your last line, 8 weeks, 8 months, 8 years ... there's no fixed schedule to follow. You're on a rollercoaster you didn't sign up for, and nobody knows who long the ride is gonna last. I would suggest 8 weeks is probably a pretty short time to decide if you're done.

I worry it's too short too, but sometimes I think our rollercoaster is missing some tracks. Her drinking and BiPolar makes things seem so risky. As much of a wreck as I am, I think W is in much worse shape. I'm very worried about her, as well as my kids.

I'm guessing you might feel at times like you're in a leaking boat bailing out water, with W just looking at another bucket, and you're wondering when she might take it up and help out, or punch another hole in the boat.

Yes! That's pretty much it. Sometimes she's punching holes, sometimes I think she'll help out.

It's obviously not good that the kids are affected. For now, see if you can calm down and take things a step at a time, including setting up some boundaries where the kids are better protected from what's happening ...

I think this is what I've been failing at the most. I've been trying to set boundaries, and then she blows right by them. The only consequence left that may mean anything may be D. Again, I'm worried that I'm rushing it.

I listened closely to what you said these past few days: I calmed down a lot more, and focused on my R with the kids.

[Awoken]

I'm taking W to the airport tomorrow morning at 6am. It's been a difficult few days, and W is now displaying more anger towards me than I think I've ever seen. Here are the long, boring details of the last few days:

Since our discussion on 12/22 I've kept contact to a minimum. We communicated briefly about presents for the kids, making sure we both shared credit, and figuring out who would buy what. It was done mostly via text.

She left early Thursday morning to pick up last present for S13, and then texted me around 10am that she had got it. By 2pm she still hadn't come home, so I took the kids out shopping for their cousins and some lunch.

That evening I started wrapping the remaining presents for the kids, and W objected to me leaving her out of the wrapping. It's not something we have ever really done together in the past, so I was a little surprised. I simply agreed and we wrapped the remaining presents together.

I then noticed W checking her text message on a new cell phone (no wonder she wasn't responding to me or kids texts during the day) We had talked briefly about her wanting to get a private cellphone. It turns out she had already done so, and just wanted out of paying her share of the current family plan. She knew I was going to see the charge on the upcoming credit card bill. I know that when D17 sees the new phone it will upset her.

We then tried to watch a movie together as a family, but W drank her self to sleep again half way through it.

This morning, I got up around 8am and for a first, the kids were still in bed. I started preparing a little breakfast for after opening the presents, then went upstairs to get everyone. Then W came down, and vented her fury at me. She is evidently mad that I made breakfast, had tried to wrap presents without her, and was otherwise interfering with her and the kids. She said lots of other stuff, but it was incoherent to me. We opened presents, and she was visibly upset and very tense the entire time, avoiding any eye contact with me.

Around 2pm I took the kids to my family for christmas dinner. W had been invited, by didn't want to come. She said she would stay home and pack for her trip. We returned by 6pm, so the kids could spend some time with her. She had locked herself in her room, and had not packed anything. Both D17 and S13 were mystified! Finally, around 9 she came downstairs and joined us infront of the TV, but refused to sit in any of the chairs, laying down on the floor. Both kids looked at me with a WTF look on their faces. After an hour of her angry pouting, she retreated upstairs to pack.

I'm assuming I'm still driving her in the morning.

[Awoken]

I forgot to mention the best part of christmas day for me. In the past, I've always done a little treasure hunt with lots of clues for my kids. Over the years some of them have been quite complicated.

This year, my kids got me back! It made me so happy that they went to so much trouble just for me, and then to see how much pleasure they got out if it really made the entire thing so meaningful.

Even though this has likely been the worst christmas in many ways, this one memory will be with me forever. I'm so lucky to have D17 and S13 in my life.

[gucci loafer]

Awoken,

I think you need to go back to the drawing board.

I believe your wife is in the throes of an affair. You seem to be discounting that issue. It would explain her behavior, her new phone, her up and down emotions etc...

Also,
You may want to do some deep investigative work on these "so called" trips to see her parents. She had one on Thanksgiving and now one after Christmas?
These are always red flags when a WS is in an affair. ESPECIALLY when they have to FLY out of town. They use the parents or friends as an excuse to take a trip and tell the BS they are visiting friends or family.

I susect that she is having a rendevous with the OM.

Don't buy this without investigating. You are burying your head in the sand if you don't see huge red flags here. She may certainly be staying or seeing her parents, but I wouldn't be one bit surprised that there is something else going on with these trips away. Don't fall for that.

[Awoken]

Thanks Gucci,
I do think she is involved in some kind of A. It ways heavy on my mind.

I found an EA very early, and unfortunately I revealed to her that I knew and she very quickly closed down all my sources of info except the online cell phone records. I really wish I had installed a keylogger then!

Her travel has been unpredictable. We have a 3rd car (for D17 when she's ready), and she's starting switching cars. She has kept her cell phone with her at all times, except once and there was nothing on it. I just drove her to the airport, and found out her new cell phone is a blackberry, and she will likely no longer be using the home network to access her facebook and emails.

So I have two issues now:
1) I'm don't know how to get anymore info/intel on her A
2) more importantly, the likely OM is related to her work in such a way that revealing the affair will absolutely lead to her losing her job. In the case of a D, my L tells me this will actually end up costing me a lot more money(taking money away from D17's college and S13's support).

Of course, I'm not at all certain of 1 and 2 above. Just unsure enough that I haven't jumped in yet. I've been focusing on getting through the holidays and taking care of my kids.

One last point, which is a very strange coincidence that I need to check out. Last saturday, after W had her huge fight with the kids and breakdown, she retreated to our neighbors house (nieghbors were out of town). I check the cellphone records, and she only called one person. I searched the number, and it was another parent(father)/volunteer at her school. The coincidence is that he has the same name (first and last!) as the man she had an affair in the 1sy year of our marriage. From what information I could find, it's very unlikely it's the exact same guy, but it's still creepy. I mean, after what had to be one of the worst days of her life, she doesn't call one of her friends or family, but calls this guy instead? It was only a 2 minute call, so I presume she left the number of the home she was staying at and he called there.

[Awoken]

D17 left for her week long band trip yesterday and W is visiting her home town for the week too, so it's just me and S13 for the next six days. I have this week off of work, so I'm really looking forward to spending this time with him.

We've got several things planned to do together. I had plans for us to celebrate the new year together, but he just asked if he could spend it at a friends party instead. It's no problem, but now I need to find something for myself. My close friends are all working musicians and all have gigs that night. Any creative suggestions?

I'm a little surprised that W hasn't been in contact with S13 during the past couple of days. She was supposed to text him her new cell phone #, and so far hasn't done it yet or otherwise contacted him. I'm texting with D17 several times a day.

[CityGirl]

Any New Year's Eve events hosted by your town/city that need volunteers? I know I say this all the time but I have met some of the coolest and most interesting people volunteering.

If your friends are all playing gigs why not go watch them play?

Treat yourself to a fantastic dinner.

Think of something you always wanted to do and go do it.

[Awoken]

Any New Year's Eve events hosted by your town/city that need volunteers? I know I say this all the time but I have met some of the coolest and most interesting people volunteering.

Thanks CG! Volunteering is a great idea; I think it's just what I need.

If your friends are all playing gigs why not go watch them play?

Heh, I guess I should have explained that better. They are all trying to make big bucks on the highest paying night of the year for professional musicians(January will be a dead month for most of them.) They are all playing private parties.

Part of my GAL goals now are to nurture friendships outside my music community just for this reason. My friends in music are very close to me. I even think it's a special unique bond we share, but they are not available evenings!

[Awoken]

It's been four days since W, and there's been absolutely NC between us. Is a contrast with her Thanksgiving trip. It's oddly relieving.

Even more odd to me is that she still hasn't contacted D13.

I've been checking into volunteer opportunities for new years's eve. I live in a big city, but I still haven't found anything!?!