Truthfully, it scared the hell out of me as he talks about how they never get over or truly fall out of love with the OW!
In my case I can say that truly has not been the case. My H can't believe he did what he did now and is ashamed that he acted as such a cliche.
Just concentrate on each other and mending those broken bridges and on making new happy times.
You have gone through the period of your M when your attention was necessarily diverted away from one another by raising children etc. Now is the time when you can rediscover one another......and what it is you love about one another, at the same time as looking at the wonderful children you have raised.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I hope my H feels like yours Saffie in time and regrets it all. HE doesnt seem to be sad or depressed or obviously missing her but then I didnt know he was having an A for 2 years either. I still check his phone bill and he texted her on the day -Friday- he moved out of his apartment back home. e erases her text but they have dropped way down in frequency to 1-2 times a week. Do I say anything.
Yet we have been spending most of our time together. Trust is such an issue for me right now but I am afraid to ask him anything "deep". I wonder what she is planning. I am going on a 4 day cruise with friends next monday-planned before he came back. I am a bit of a wreck about leaving him alone. Our son said he would stop in and out casually but 22 year old boys forget and get busy. OW used to text him many times a day and I honestly dont have time at work (I work with children with disabilities) to text alot and not sure what to keep saying after "Thinking about your" or Miss you or have a great day?
Right now I just have this feeling I cannot ask much about the A, the OW or how he feels. He got a little anxious when I asked him about the new TV he brought back from his apartment which doesnt fit in our built in cabinet. He had expressed wanting to enlarge the cabinet but talking about the money/ when to call cabinetmaker made him start to kick his leg--a sure sign he is feeling anxious. So much for being honest about his feelings. I asked him and he admitted he was anxious about spending money but he had agreed to start sharing his feelings good and bad.I dont know how much to bring this up--I guess I should trust my gut but I am also so on eggshells maybe I am being too cautious? Or is this something that slowly develops as he trusts me more not to throw it in his face?
He is inviting me to join him in more of his activities, dinner meetings etc. It is nice to have a place to bounce these ideas off as most people have no understanding of this at all.
Sounds like you read the wrong book. Have you found "After the Affair" yet? I really think it is a good book, and it doesn't make those blanket statements like "they stay in love forever". That is BS; all people do not react the same way. Anyone who says they do is not basing it on real studies, just his own perceptions. You work with children. Do they all react alike to the stimuli around them?
It's good that he is inviting you to more events. Things sound like they continue to improve.
It's a gradual thing and Lotus is SO right in saying it is different for everyone.
I would be having trouble leaving for a cruise....in fact, if I am honest, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't say it was because I didn't trust my H though, I would tell him it was because I would prefer to be with him and would rather spend my hard earned spare time with him.....and the money I saved in not dining out etc. whilst on the cruise, could go towards paying for the TV cabinet alterations, or a cruise/ break away with him in the future to make some new good memories together.
As for him inviting you out more, that can only be good. If he was still thinking he was likely to reconsider your M I really don't think he would be reconnecting with you so publicly.
As for those little texts; store some pre written ones on your phone - generic ones like "Thinking of you lots today with a smile on my face", "I love waking up next to you".....you get the idea.....that you can just hit the send button when you get a moment, rather than having to type the whole text there and then. You could send it that way when you just go for a quick trip to the ladies room or something.
This part is the hardest. It is different for everyone and you are having to force yourself to try and re learn how to trust when your senses re betrayal are at an all time high. Don't beat yourself up that you don't feel comfortable yet....it will come in time but it WILL take a while. It will also take a while for your H to feel safe to open up to you because he is the type of person you say he is. Don't push him out of his comfort zone at this stage. Let him tell you when he is ready. I was lucky in that my H was ready sooner rather than later - some are never ready. You really do need to play it by ear and do what makes you feel comfortable and the most secure.
BTW, my H never seemed to go through a sad or depressed stage afterwards really....I would say he was more relieved than anything that the complications were all over. I think the mess he had gotten himself into was just too much for him - I have wondered on occasions if he stayed with me because in the long run it was the least complicated option!!! Whatever the reason, it worked and still does!!!! ( Then I think, nah - it's coz I am the better woman!!! ).
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Havent been able to get to the boards in awhile. I guess it is true to be careful what you wish for! Not the H is home-I feel a little like a gerbil in one of those tracks--running and running. I know I cant keep this up for good but I am trying to bekinda the perfect wife and boy is that hard--cooking lots of meals, watching bball games with him, going out together, doing errands together, cutting back my night work ohours some so he isnt home long without me getting home.
I did go on the druise with my girlfriennds as it was already paid for and no cancel. No external signs of him rehooking up with the OW but I guess they fooled me for 2+ years and could do it again. H has been loving and affectionate.
I did have a little mini breakdown. I had asked him when the first time they "did the deed" At first he couldnt remember then when I said "your marriage vows meant so little to you that you cant even remember the first time you betrayed them?: he suddently remembered it was 2 years ago at the dental convention in Chicago that he is again going to in about two weeks. She is going to as is a whole bunch of his staff and his partner. He is rooming with his partner for the 4 days. I hope she is rooming with another hygienist but apparently his partner went home early two years ago.
He gets so agitated talking about the A at all that in my heart I know its not the right thing to ask any questions. Maybe later in the piecing process but he is so uncomfortable with feelings. I want this marriage to work very much so I have to somehow put all these questions racing around in my head away. My intuition tells me I must go very slowly. I havent even gone into his office or seen her face to face either. Do you think I should get back in counseling for myself through MWD or wait a little while? Talking here is definitely therapy too for the heart and sould? He hasnt said a word about us doing counseling-just that I am so different now he is happy and loves me.
It IS the right thing to ask questions... have you read MWD?
ASK QUESTIONS!!!!
If he is reluctant to offer full disclosure and to keep CLEAR of her then I would be very suspicious.
Men in particular will use defensiveness as a control mechanism to maintain their affair. You ask a question and they get angry so the female quiets up to keep the male happy...
The end result is that the male is happy and the female is not.
allen is right. Before husband and I were married and I found out he had cheated he would answer a few questions but then would blow up in anger...i didn't realize at the time it was control. If your husband can't openly answer all your questions then it is a problem and he doesn't understand what it takes for you to build trust. i think a big mistake we all make is giving people our trust without them having to earn it. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean that you 100% trust them at the same time...that is earned.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
From your post it sounded to me that your H doesn't get angry, as opposed to uncomfortable about talking about the A. That sounds like guilt because of what he did, and the hurt he knows he has caused you. Some S's think it is better to 'hide' the details of the A and in that way they are saving you pain. However, if you feel it will help you heal, even though it hurts to hear the details, then he needs to talk to you about it.
My H read part of a book - Healing from Infidelity or maybe it was After the Affair, and it had a chapter designed to help the person who had had the A realise what the LBS needed to know, and why. It explained that for some people, even though hearing the details hurt, it helped with the healing. Once my H realised that he really opened up and told me about everything. It was then that I learned that the intimate part of the A was driven by the OW and that it had been a bit of a disaster. Whether that was due to my H's feelings of guilt because he was cheating, or because they just weren't a great match, I don't know. From her he was just looking for a friend, as he felt that I had sort of lost interest in him, and there was this OW hanging on his ever word.
Is there any way you can go to the dental convention with him? Or at least go for the last couple of days? Make a little break of it? It might make you feel a bit easier about things and it will also show OW that you and H are truly reconciled.
I do understand what you are feeling as my H was working away a lot when the A was going on - that was what gave him the opportunity. Even though OW got moved on from our company, I still didn't feel secure when my H went away on business. A couple of times I went with him, but it was difficult to do with the children, so in the end my H made some of his other staff go instead of himself, and if he had to go he would fly out and come back the same day.
You have come a long way in the last few months and done very well. Don't get discouraged. Keep posting and getting support.
Have you thought about asking your H to attend a Retrouvaille weekend with you to help cement things. It teaches you how to interact in a non threatening way. It might help you calm down and stop running around.
Eventually, for things to work, you both have to feel comfortable and there needs to be an equal balance between you. To begin with I was like you and worried that my H might go back to seeing OW, then things changed slightly and it seemed my H was worried I would get fed up with him, and then gradually things evened out. It all takes time and work though.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
My H doesnt get angry at all. He just squirms for lack of a better word. He gets tearful a little and says he is sorry he hurt me. What I am struggling with is 1) the newness of our relationship--OW put no negative demands on him and no heavy discussions and I want him to experience this with me-happy times 2) H also has very little awareness of his feelings and will he remember the negative emotions of feeling guilty/hurting me as just another bad time--generalize it to our relationship. I have read that 1 negative reaction takes 7 positive reactions to balance.
My H truly is very clueless. Example: Yesterday he ended up firing a employee who had been dragging the office down with her negative attitude for a long time. He ended up talking on his cell with OW (office manager and hygieniest) with her for 30 minutes on his cell. I asked him what could require 30 minutes. HE said she started talking to him about his mother's appointment with her, what his mother talked about etc and he couldnt get her to stop talking. I said "dont you see she is trying to suck you back in? Women want to talk to the people they love? Do you know what an EA is? This is how the A started in the first place? It was like a light went on in his face--he really didnt get it. He promised me he would not take calls anymore. This is about dentistry not life and death brain surgery after all. What is so important she has to call him. She doesnt call his partner.
I feel like this is progress but now I must balance the painful truth part with some fun,happy times. I need to put my "healing" on a slower track so I can keep the marriage improving and have something to heal about. I need to be happy not right. But this really sucks at times.
Regarding counseling or Retrovaille, I think it is a good idea in the future. I have read about it but right now he said "I think we are doing great, I am really happy with our marriage" when I asked him if he thought we needed more counseling. Cant push too hard.
So fellow message board posters--you are my counselors and sounding board. Thank you for continuing to deal with me. It is so comforting to be somewhere people understand or try to.
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