We have no children. I posted my current situation in the "Going Dark" forum, since Ive gone dark for the past 1mth 3 weeks and it obviously affected her. If anyone has an opinion, please post.
Adult kids here. It does make things more difficult. My WAW has not spoken to our sons, the only communication with the youngest was through text and he told her he didn't want to have anything to do with her again. He's her fav., so that had to hurt. She reach out to him again last week, but he did not respond. My oldest will not allow her to see grankids but I am sure his wife is going around him to allow here to see them. We are currently in darkness, I hope this gets things going, I think she actually wants me to chase her as I have always done, she gave me her address last week, which she had worked so hard to keep from me.
Yes, there are a few of us without children. I don't know if it's any harder or easier, but children do act as a cord linking the two of you together and provide an excuse to interact. If you're DB'ing, that can be good. Once the M is over, that same cord can end up looking more like a noose. I suppose it all depends on one's perspective.
To give you the Cliff's Notes on my sitch, my W left fall of '06, we D'ed end of '08, and wrapped up the last of the assets fall of '09. It's been a real death march.
Being on the back side of it all now, I probably have a little different take on things than others here still going through it. It may be simply because I saw no success myself, but I am dubious about DR/DB. I say that not because I think what is contained in their pages is wrong, but because I think it simply doesn't apply to, and has little effect in, a significant number of cases.
Where one or both parties (but particularly the LBS) are involved in intentionally damaging behaviors such as affairs, emotionally blocking out the WAS, true abuse (whether emotional, verbal, or physical), gross selfishness, meanness, cruelty, humiliation, etc., then getting a grip on oneself and doing the work of DR/DB is both appropriate and necessary.
(let me emphasize this...the following comments do not pertain to the above situations)
But when these are absent, the whole thing quickly descends into a kind of emotional blackmail wherein if the WAS isn't stroked just right, it's over. You can find this in a variety of threads couched in a variety of ways, but the underlying theme remains the same.
The problem is that this is no basis for a marriage (or even a friendship, for that matter). The funny thing is, I'd guess that of all the people who argue you should tip-toe around your WAS, not a single one could point to even one friendship they've maintained with a person under similar circumstances.
Imagine a "friend" who blew you off for other friends, told you they just didn't like you any more and didn't want to be your friend if you did or said something they didn't like, lied about so much that it became impossible to distinguish truth from fiction, complained that you were "pressuring them to be your friend" if you offered an apology for an inconsiderate deed, and said hurtful things to you on a regular basis. Oh, and add that you "can never expect an apology or regret" from them. How long would you pursue that kind of friendship? Not long, I'd guess. And when you say it that way, the whole thing just looks like the ridiculous mess it is. Yet how many threads here advise just that?
At the end of the day, it has everything to do with what the WAS is or is not willing to do. True, you don't want to encourage them to completely check out (if they haven't already), and there's no point in pouring salt in a wound. But if the WAS' tolerance for hard work, difficulty, or not having things go their way is low, there's not much you can do (and, frankly, no M would ultimately survive that kind of situation anyway, even if you could somehow get it on life-support).
My own opinion is that DR/DB is really an application of the old saw, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." DR/DB is about leading the horse and I think even Michele would agree with me on this point. However, I also think it's easy to slip over into the belief that if you just do or say the right things (go dark, do a 180, yada yada) that you can influence the drinking end of things. I think this is where it all goes wrong and though I'm not sure she means to, even Michele tends to foster this view with statements like, "One person can save a marriage".
Actually, it seems more accurate to say that one person can avoid killing a marriage. To save a marriage requires BOTH partners to be committed to it and that last part is often (and tragically) missing.
I can't think of a single person (including those happily married) that doesn't have a complaint...even legitimate...about their spouse. My WAS had her complaints and some were legitimate. I, too, had complaints and several of them were legitimate as well. So, what's the difference? How we dealt with them.
I tended to assume the best while she tended to assume the worst. If she didn't support my career moves, I believed she was concerned about our future, not trying to sabotage my career advancement. If I didn't want to talk about my day, she believed I didn't love her and was shutting her out when it was simply that I didn't have the emotional fortitude by that point to rehash an ugly day.
I had just as many "good" reasons to leave her as she had to leave me, but she did and I didn't. The difference? Our perspective. I saw life as tough (loved ones die, jobs are lost, tragedies occur, etc.) and the two of us together as a bulwark (albeit an imperfect one) against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. She saw life as a party and marriage as the way to have someone else play your "cruise director" (if I can borrow from "The Love Boat") for life. When it turned out it wasn't always a party, she went looking for someone else who promised her the party would never end.
To no one's surprise, except her's I suppose, the party did end...a few months later. But by that point she'd gone too far and her pride would not allow her to admit the mistake. (As an aside, it's often said that men have bigger egos than women, but there's not a lick of truth to it. Women often have egos just as big and work just as hard to protect them.)
Mind you, this had nothing to do with whether or not I expected an apology. It never got that far because even the mere act of saying, "Maybe we should take a minute to look at this again" would have been tantamount to admitting she might have made an error.
OK. So why the rambling? Well, to return back to my original point, it's that when things like this are in play, there is precious little you can do. They say, "You can't fix stupid". Well, you also can't fix pride, or unreasonable expectations, or a host of other things. The reason the "grass is greener" syndrome is so deadly is that you can't fight a dream. It's always better than the reality.
So, if you're one of the folks here wondering "What the hell happened?" and "How do I fix it?", take a moment to objectively assess the situation (don't kid yourself, if you're really being objective this is gonna hurt a bit). If you really screwed up on stuff (and I'm not talking about failing to notice her new shoes or failing to understand the importance of The Godfather), then fix it. We all have the ability to remake ourselves. It may be too late for the WAS, but maybe not. Do the work and you'll either be better for him/her or for the next one.
If you're a victim of a WAS who's suffering from one or more of the deadly problems I've noted above, accept that there is very little you can do to affect the outcome. OK, I can hear the chorus now, "How can you say that, there's always hope." True enough. But hope needs to be tempered with reality. There's always hope you'll be cured of pancreatic cancer, but the odds are just plain bad and it makes sense to have your affairs in order.
Whether it's reasonable or not, most folks believe that if you put in the work, you'll get the reward. Keep up your yard and your property value will go up. Work hard and you'll get that raise or promotion. Do a good deed and you'll get good Karma in return. Regularly exercise and you'll have better health. Maintain your car and it will last longer. But when it comes to the WAS, all bets are off.
The benefit of understanding and accepting the reality of the situation is that you are less likely to be crushed when your efforts result in absolutely nothing and less likely to beat yourself up feeling like you must not have "done it right" when, in fact, nothing you did would have been right.
For the souls in this thread who can't make sense of it all, take comfort in the fact that it may be simply because there is no sense to be made. Don't let that dash your hopes (there are success stories here and no one can predict whether your sitch may end up being one of them), but don't let the pursuit of the "right" response to some interaction with your WAS drive you to the point of madness. It may not be worth the trip.
