NC - W vanished ...

[newmama]

A year ago my W stood up for me and her against what was being done today. Today, she has removed herself completely from D's life. It hurts and it's upsetting.

It makes sense as to why you are hurting and in pain. I hope you'll feel better soon. I won't offer words of encouragement right now; just will let you know I read your feelings and I care. (((P17)))

[P17]

I listened to the messages left by MIL today.

She left two yesterday. One early morning (around 10am) and the other in the afternoon at 1pm.

Was saying that she had two presents for D and if it would be okay to send them. Later she called and said she had sent them because she didn't want to miss them getting here and I had returned her earlier call to say if it was okay.

She kept calling me sweetheart on the phone which I found strange given the sitch. She would have called me that before, but I found it strange to be called it now.

Not sure of anything else.

They were okay messages, I just found them, as I said, a little weird given the sitch.

I think the postman tried to deliver the parcel earlier but I was out at D's xmas concert. Will call her on Monday when I pick the parcel up.

I refuse to read anything into it as everytime I do I get disappointed, upset or I'm just plain wrong It is what it is.

[newmama]

MIL called you sweetheart because she cares for you. Do not blame her for her daughter's wrongdoing. But youdon't have to reach out to her if you don't want to, either. So I guess I am saying there is nothing to read into IMO.

[P17]

Just been into the shop where W works. Guess who is now working as a temp on the checkouts ... yes OM.

I needed every bit of strength and control not to rush over there and drag him out from behind the checkouts. He knew exactly who I was and while he tried to remain composed I know he was concerned - red face, avoided my stare. I unfortunately said to D 'that's the man that took your step mum away from us'. Not the right thing to do but it was a bad moment in an otherwise bad day.

I am not a violent guy. I'm not even an overly aggressive guy but everybody seemed to know who he was and what he had done. I noticed two security people watching me as I left. I noticed there was also a guy on OM's checkout chatting away to him. It was if backup was close at hand.

I asked for the Personnel Manager's number and will speak to her on Monday. The affair started on the shop premises (in another town), he couldn't get a transfer from one store to another because of his sickness record, he left the store in the other two and is now working in the store with the woman he is having an A with? Doesn't seem right to me.

Don't know if they will do anything but I will be pushing this as far as I can.

Then I have been thinking. If everybody does know what he has done (assuming I am correct and they do) maybe keeping him there will do two things 1) the pressure of the colleagues will hurt them both 2) the pressure of them seeing each other every day will put pressure on them.

At the moment I really need to calm down. Feel like my heart has once again been ripped out and stood upon.

I did the wrong thing tonight. They have the power back now. They know they got to me. They know I am hurting. Bad move on my part.

And I loved this woman again ... why?

[P17]

MIL called you sweetheart because she cares for you.

Newmama, if you would have seen the texts between MIL and W just before she left you wouldn't be saying that.

Do not blame her for her daughter's wrongdoing. But youdon't have to reach out to her if you don't want to, either. So I guess I am saying there is nothing to read into IMO.

I'm not blaming her for her daughters wrongdoing. But when you know she supports that wrongdoing ...

[P17]

I tried to edit the last post but by the time I had finished, the time to update it had expired.

I'm afraid this is nothing more than a pity party just now. At least I understand that. It's been a bad few days and my nose is getting raw from the amount of rubbing it's getting.

The next bit is pure venting and to be ignored.

I really have had enough of this just now. I know they are moving on with their lives but do they have no consideration? No regard? No interest in the embarassment they are causing? The girl I asked in the store, who he was, knew exactly who he was and was praying to god that I didn't - I could see it in her face. The woman wanders around like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, and yet has removed herself completely from a 7 year relationship almost overnight. I get no contact from her family (MIL excluded) and I just have to sit here and accept that I, P, is responsible for all this sh*t and I should just 'move on with my life' because she has? It's like I've hit a rubber wall ... everytime I take a run at it or hit it, it just throws me back onto the floor.

I thought I had come a long way, but, where exactly have I got to? Everytime I think I get somewhere BAM, something else hits me. I am tired. I am hurting. I feel almost as bad as I did when she left. The worst part is, she just does not care. The woman you laughed, loved and shared with for 7 years has dissolved that entire time in 4 short months.

Vent over.

[chatterbug]

Just been into the shop where W works. Guess who is now working as a temp on the checkouts ... yes OM.

How far away is the next grocery store? Just incase you can not deal with this. Calm and collect. In difference to the scum bag.

I needed every bit of strength and control not to rush over there and drag him out from behind the checkouts. He knew exactly who I was and while he tried to remain composed I know he was concerned - red face, avoided my stare. I unfortunately said to D 'that's the man that took your step mum away from us'. Not the right thing to do but it was a bad moment in an otherwise bad day.

That is ok my friend. She knows who the enemy is as well. She also can now put a face to the person who altered her world as well. There is nothing wrong with you here. You were calm and collect and your daughter watched how you handled your self. This would be a great chace to have a life lesson conversation here. How it is better to act on facts in a postive way. Than to lose control and end up doing something that can harm yourself or others. I am sure you can think of many more.

I am not a violent guy. I'm not even an overly aggressive guy but everybody seemed to know who he was and what he had done. I noticed two security people watching me as I left. I noticed there was also a guy on OM's checkout chatting away to him. It was if backup was close at hand.

Calm and collect. You are a strong person. You made the right choice. Next time give a little wink. And do not forget to smile and wave with the security people. If you know them.
I asked for the Personnel Manager's number and will speak to her on Monday. The affair started on the shop premises (in another town), he couldn't get a transfer from one store to another because of his sickness record, he left the store in the other two and is now working in the store with the woman he is having an A with? Doesn't seem right to me.
Don't know if they will do anything but I will be pushing this as far as I can.

Then I have been thinking. If everybody does know what he has done (assuming I am correct and they do) maybe keeping him there will do two things 1) the pressure of the colleagues will hurt them both 2) the pressure of them seeing each other every day will put pressure on them.

Too late to do that. Just let it go. The store knows about it already. You let it play out without your involvement. Embrace the path of Plan B. Keep in the dark. Do not send a message that your hurting from this and need to lash out in any way.
At the moment I really need to calm down. Feel like my heart has once again been ripped out and stood upon.
Did you take a walk on the beach yet? Let the sound of the waves calm you.
I did the wrong thing tonight. They have the power back now. They know they got to me. They know I am hurting. Bad move on my part.
I think you did the right thing tonight. You were strong. You passed a huge test. What was that test? P17 can continue with his life. P17 did not give up any aspect of his life to the Adultery. P17 is a man who has an inner strength which will help him overcome the shortcomings of others. I am Proud of ya P. Look how far you have come. And you did this while going through a hard cycle.
P.S. Did you learn to mindread over night?

And I loved this woman again ... why?
Beats me. But sounds like you still do

[chatterbug]

A quote for ya.

'Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults' Dr Harley

So now P.

Its time to answer my questions from yesterday. And if you having some wine right now. Tonight is a good night to stay completely sober. Not a touch of booze until you get out of this cycle.

REFLECT not DWELL.
I hope your writting. If not please start. You need to track your progress. I know your doing it here in posts. But to actually write it out is very different. You get to give yourself truthdarts.

So today is a good day right?

Did you go for your walk?

What are your plans for the weekend ?

[P17]

How far away is the next grocery store? Just incase you can not deal with this. Calm and collect. In difference to the scum bag.

Cutter, the word cum bag actually made me feel better. Everybody is so calm and collected on here it's nice to hear an expletive once in a while, even if it's a mild one.

There are three shops closer to me than this one. The problem is, the one where W works is huge and has everything in it so it's one trip. Tonight I could have went to another and got the stuff I wanted but I decided not to. No reason. Just decided not to. Maybe I was mean to go to the shop tonight. Who knows.

In addition to that there is no effing way in hell I am let those two actually change my behaviours, even if it something as simple as where I shop. I go somewhere else and they get to continue their A without being reminded of what they have done? BZZT. No. No way. Ain't happening.

I know you asked if I could shop elsewhere for ME, in case I can't handle it. You are completely right, I may not be able to handle it but it is only a bloke working in a shop. Right? Small consolation - their Saturday is messed up as he was working. Means something to me ...

That is ok my friend. She knows who the enemy is as well. She also can now put a face to the person who altered her world as well. There is nothing wrong with you here. You were calm and collect and your daughter watched how you handled your self. This would be a great chace to have a life lesson conversation here. How it is better to act on facts in a postive way. Than to lose control and end up doing something that can harm yourself or others. I am sure you can think of many more.

I had a quick chat with her earlier as she was asking what was wrong with me.

I had another longer chat when she went to bed and I told her about actions having consequences and that married people do not have boyfriends and girlfriends.

She understood why I stopped contact with W - she said it was like me and OM having a tug of war with W in the middle. I explained that I had to let go of that rope. She has decided to call OM - Mud Face ... that's better than the name I had so it will do fine.

Calm and collect. You are a strong person. You made the right choice. Next time give a little wink.

That I DO like ...

And do not forget to smile and wave with the security people. If you know them.

I don't know them unfortunately.

Too late to do that.

Why is it too late to do that? He has only just started working there?

Just let it go. The store knows about it already. You let it play out without your involvement. Embrace the path of Plan B. Keep in the dark. Do not send a message that your hurting from this and need to lash out in any way.

I suppose you may be right. It may also be counterproductive for the reasons I mentioned above (I don't know about you but I'd hate to work with my BF / partner)!

Did you take a walk on the beach yet? Let the sound of the waves calm you.

It's about -5 degrees here today cutter. And yesterday was just as cold. In fact it's been snowing here ... gave the beach a miss

I think you did the right thing tonight. You were strong. You passed a huge test. What was that test? P17 can continue with his life. P17 did not give up any aspect of his life to the Adultery. P17 is a man who has an inner strength which will help him overcome the shortcomings of others. I am Proud of ya P. Look how far you have come. And you did this while going through a hard cycle.

You know how to say the right things cutter. They are helpful and encouraging words. Thank you for them.

P.S. Did you learn to mindread over night?

That you will need to explain ...

And I loved this woman again ... why?
Beats me. But sounds like you still do

It beats me too ... and while I know I love her, she's not making any of this sh*t easy. My head wants to get her away from me as quickly as possible. My heart ain't there yet. It get's there and then something happens (contact from mIL, OM working in the shop yada yada).

MIL thing has been concerning me too. For me to move on fully I need to make it clear to them that NC is for them too as I need to make a completely clean break. It's tough and it hurts but I feel that would be the best way. However I am reluctant. MIL may (and I need to stress MAY) be a good ally to have in helping to sway W. However, if what I know is correct (and the evidence I have kind of confirms it) she supports the A, the W and me and D being left behind.

One other thing that is bothering me. MIL said she would send presents to either me or D's mum. The D's mum thing confused me. She's never said anything like that before. I am beginning to wonder if she thinks that me and D's mum are together again ... we are together a lot and have been seen out eating, shopping etc. Maybe word has got back ... not sure if to quash that rumour or use it. I feel quash it may be better.

This is something I'm just not sure about yet. Will be calling her on Monday anyway when I get the parcel with the presents. Not sure how to handle that other than being upbeat and positive.

[P17]

A quote for ya.

'Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults' Dr Harley

Cutter, I've got to be honest. I never actually fully understood that quote for my sitch. Facts point us towards solutions - I have facts but I have no solutions that I can think of. Illusion leads us astray - the illusion here may very well me thinking I can save my M! Not sure ... elaborate.

Its time to answer my questions from yesterday. And if you having some wine right now. Tonight is a good night to stay completely sober. Not a touch of booze until you get out of this cycle.

Cutter, I a man who drinks rarely. Since W has left that has been upped, must confess. And I do it at the wrong time. I'm not violent, I'm not aggressive but sometimes you just feel like a drink, you know. In the last 4 months I've probably consumed about 8 bottles of wine and a half dozen pints. Not an awful lot.

Anyway ...

REFLECT not DWELL.
I hope your writting. If not please start.

I do write sometimes. That was suggested by the IC. I do feel however that writing just rips it out of me and I either don't finish or I'm a mess at the end. It's something I'm more reluctant to do than before and I'm not sure if it helps me.

You need to track your progress. I know your doing it here in posts. But to actually write it out is very different.

I don't know what progress I need to track though. I don't appear to making any progress at the moment with me and no progress on the M.

You get to give yourself truthdarts.

I think I know what truthdarts are. I've only started seeing them mentioned recently though. Again, can you elborate?

So today is a good day right?

It's not a bad day ... that's about as much as you will get out of me It's not as bad as I thought it was at the time.

Did you go for your walk?

See above quote about the plummeting temperatures! I have been out though.

What are your plans for the weekend ?

I have D this weekend. She's just gone to bed.