SO I thought it was getting better and in typical DB fashion he pulls way back. I texted him that I had chance toget cheap tix through my workfor his favorite team--did he want to go with me or take some of his friends. He calls and says no he has his office party on Sat night and would want to go down the night before to the game and cant. (it is only 2 hours away for a Sunday afternoon game). SO I teased him about was he going to tie one on at his office party (OW works for him)
Probably should not have said any more THen asked him if he wanted to come over on THurs for dinner as he had last 2 weeks--no he was going to the local businessman's Christmas party and no he was busy or too tired other nights. Drove by his office--he and Ow cars there. HE Called me to check if I had RSVP to the party nxt Sat at his friends house (he invited me to go with him) and casually mentioned he was at his office putting up Christmas decorations--no mention of Ow. Tonight i lost it and drove by his apartment--her car was there watching his team on Monday night football.
Last Friday I overheard him tell telephone counsellor he was trying to give up Ow and knew if was the right thing to do. But he has also said he has tried to break it off several times over the 2 years he kept the A a secret and he keeps initiating it.Says he knows he could be happy with her for the rest of his life--they share so much in common and its not physical but more how comfortable and relaxed and easy it is to be around her.Says I have changed and he actually said why isnt it enough that i have shown him howmuch I love him by my behavior change but he still wants to be around her.
What do I do? No contact no call? Let him initiat all contact. I feel like I cant get off the roller coaster. He seems incapable of staying away from her.
This whole thing IS a roller coaster and you have to let your body go with it to some extent.
Remember when he talks to the C he is trying to justify his actions and behaviour. He has a battle going on inside him.
It sounds like the interactions you were having with him were very positive. Keep that up. He wants to be loved and feel comfortable. It is not uncommon for men to feel unloved when we raise our families. They go to work and get respect and attention from people who have the time to give it to them. We lose touch with our spouses and can forget why we even fell in love with them. It takes time to remember.
I know that as CEO my H had his ego rubbed all the time by his staff, whereas he used to walk in the door at home at dinner time when everything was stressful and the kids were tired and demanding etc., and in hindsight I can see how things went awry. it was never my intention to forget to show him how much he meant to me....i just didn't have the energy - and didn't realise how he felt.....last on my list of priorities. I just assumed he was a grown man and could cope, but of course, before the children, I was there all the time to entertain him etc. and he had my full attention. We could drop things in a minute and go out for dinner or a movie - every trip out didn't seem like a major operation.
He has had two years with the attention of this OW. It is obvious he is struggling with his morals etc and also I think you are reminding him of all that he may have to give up. Wrapped up with you is so much else of his family life, past and future. You have more going for you than perhaps you realise.
It seems your softly softly approach is working, so go with it and vent here when you feel like screaming.
I know I haven't posted in a while but I have been thinking of you. I go in for surgery on Tuesday next week so I am not sure when I will next get to post.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie and Dane thank you for posting. Dane: THe OW H does not know yet. Believe me, if he did find out and kicked her out it would be exactly what she wants to use as a playing card to get my H to "protect her." He already thinks she is so wonderful for being patient for 2 years and now another 3 month since he moved out. I will tell the OW H if OW is getting ready to leave to help him but she plans on staying with H if my H decides to come back to our family. Exposing the A would put her in a position where she would be even more available to my H to come over to his apartment as she wouldnt have to hide it from her H. That is the last thing I need right now. She doesnt love her H and doesnt want to work on marriage at all. Kids are all grown on both sides.
Saffie your sitch sounds so much like mine in many ways and it does give me hope. Lucky for you it never progressed to full blown separation or went on so long. Christmas time is so hard. He asked me what I wanted for a gift when he saw I had bought him something. I wanted to say Come home. This Thursday he came over and spent the night and we had a great time but he spent Thursday afternoon with her. I must stay strong.
It is so nice you to support me on this board. I hope your surgery is not too serious and you recover quickly. It is a difficul and busy time of year to have surgery. I will pray for you. Thank you again and rest and recover.
I respect your thoughts/ feelings regarding OW's H but I don't fully understand them if I am honest.
I don't think making things open with OW's H would necessarily be playing into OW's hands. Why wait to be kicked out? Your H already has his own 'pad'. If OW really wanted to leave her family there really seems to be nothing stopping her.....so to my mind she doesn't really want to rock the boat with her family. That in turn makes me think your H is just a play thing on the side for her and she is not so sure. What she may say to him doesn't seem to stack up with her actions.
Having said that, your H is still interacting well with you and that is worth a lot. Being there and remaining supportive should work in your favour. Over the coming holday period his ability to be with her will be limited due to her family commitments. Make the best of the time you have with him and just think about how available she is to him at what we all consider to be family times. If she appears to not be that available I think that is a clear indication she is not as committed to ending her M as she verbalises. It's one thing to pretend on a regular basis you have to work late, there by enabling the OW to go over to your H's pad....or to make out she has regular nights out with the girls to buy herself some free time, but if she is pretty tied up with family over traditional holiday periods then that says to me she is not done with her H and her family. If she was, why is she keeping her end of the R a secret?
Keep positive thoughts in your head
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, The Ow would leave her H in a heartbeat and give up her family obligations IF my H would make up his mind. My H is really wishy washy-he has told her several times in the last 2 years he would leave and didnt and now after he moved out he has twice told her (in 3 months) he is in "limbo" and is still making his choice. She figures she has lived 30+ years in her marriage and survived it and can keep going if my H backs out of the A.
You are right, she doesnt want to "rock the boat" and is still tied up with her family--but not because she doesnt want to end her M, but because she is afraid she will end up with nothing--neither my H or her H. My H really is very screwed up puppy right now. He is lying to both of us, seeing both of us except I know it because I check up on him.
At least for me and I assume for you too Saffie, IF I was in love with someone else I would never think of staying with my H just becauses "she has nowhere else to go" and she needs his health insurance (my H doesnt provide health insurance to employees). OF course, I want to believe I would never have an A in the first place.
I am trying to stay positive but oh boy--these last two days have been incredibly hard. After a wonderful Thurs nite/Fri am with me, he went absolutely nuts seeing her as much as he could from the time he left our house Fri noon to even sneaking in more time in the hours before their office Xmas party Sat nite. He will probably watch the football game Sun and MOnd nite with her.
Heres where I get so confused. He arranges to see her about 4 to 1 as compared to seeing me. But, then he says things like: I came over to stay Thurs nite after the businessman's Xmas party because I do want face time with you "I want to get you a Xmas present-- dont you know after last night (ML) I still have strong feelings for you." and he sets up a "date" next Friday for a late lunch after he is getting my car fixed. He said he will think about staying overnight Friday night. On Sat we are going to a party together. I dont know how to interpret these things--I have to ask for crumbs but I do get some when I ask.
The DB C says he doesnt even know how to tell the truth because all his life he has just agreed with people so he doesnt get anyone upset. Is he just unable to tell me he is done so he drags it out? Or is he really still making up his mind? I guess because I still love him so much I will just keep doing what I am doing to make him feel loved and have him see me as calm and fun like her. I cant be demanding because that is what he doesnt want.
Sorry for the long vent. It is so frustrating to have no real answers, to have a H who is appears to "love the one your with" in the words of an old song. I know I could call it quits but I just cant do it--sometimes the last 3 months seems like an eternity and then I remind myself some people have been here for much longer. Why after such a nice time with me does he kick it into overdrive with her?
Saffie you are truly a special person to take time to help someone hurting when you have so much on your plate. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone on this board as I am so messed up myself. But, you are comforting and a sane voice in this insanity. Thanks again.
It is a pleasure to 'be here' for you. Others did the same for me and it helped me keep my sanity.
I wonder if instead of still making up his mind your H just doesn't know how to bring this all to a conclusion.
Like you, I wouldn't stay with someone just because I had no-where else to go and I was frightened of ending up by myself. I think your H will recognise that fact too. I just wonder though, if because he is the sort of guy who tells people what they want to hear, he won't have the guts to actually bring the situation to any conclusion and he will wait for one of you ladies to do it for him. I guess I feel that way from my own experience. My H really let me do the work in getting rid of OW. It was touch and go for a period, even though my H had not left the marital home. OW in my sitch has shown herself to be more committed as she had left her marital home and her young children. I fought tooth and nail to show my H just how much he meant to me and I know that swung it.....but I had been too passive over prior years in our M and that is whar had led mainly to my H thinking I didn't care, and to him turning elsewhere for friendship and adoration-which OW gave him in bucket loads.
For all the confidence the OW in your sitch appears to have from things you have previously said, she is obviously not that sure of herself or she would leave her H because she would think that your H would be forced into committing to her then. Obviously she is picking up vibes that all is not in her favour.
Hang in there. Christmas may well just work well in your favour, and hopefully that may lead to some decisions being made. Just beware your H doesn't get to enjoy the company of two women fauning over him so much that he wants the situation to just continue that way indefinitely, whilst you remain in this state of heightened anxiety. At the moment it sounds like all he has to whisper is 'jump' and both you ladies scream back 'how high?'. However, it would seem best to keep the status quo for the moment.
(((((hugs))))))) I know this is just so hard, but FWIW, you seem to be dealing with this in a very good and intuitive way. I wish your H knew how lucky he was to have you - but just maybe he does which is why he can't make the decision to be with OW permanently - because let's face it, at the moment that would be an easy option and he is not pursuing it. Keep the faith.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, hope your surgery went very well and you are feeling okay. Use the feel good pain pills liberally.
It is an amazing time of the year. H said he wants ME! wants to come back. Broke news to OW last night but said "It was a lot harder than I thought." He was crying. Left me a voicemail he was staying at his apartment bec he didnt want to talk but not to read anything into that. Said he loved me for first time in long time. I am cautiously optimistic at this point. Dont know how to proceed from here--the message boards dont have much under reconciliation/piecing.
I really credit you Saffie and the other posters for helping me stay on track and get this far. Dont know if it will proceed but I am not gonna hold back.
Heal and rest and thank you so much. Anyone else reading this with experience on starting over, please help with advice
Heal and rest and thank you so much. Anyone else reading this with experience on starting over, please help with advice
Very happy for you!
I have no experience of it, yet. What I would say is tread very carefully. And don't take him back without a fight from him. Remember, believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do.
He needs to SHOW you, by his actions, that he wants to come back to YOU, the M and to commit himself 100% to recovery. Not 99%, 100%. Let him show you that. But be string, have boundaries and don't be a doormat.
This is a step in the right direction, but you're by no means at the end of the journey.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
You have made my day. I am currently laid up in bed and only have my Blackberry to reply with.
Once my H made the decision and told me he stayed with it. Keep on doing what you are doing as that has been what brought him back. Don't be hurt by him still wanting to shiels OW as much as possible from the pain he is causing her by this decision. That is quite normal. Keep it light and loving. You can gradually talk things through but for the moment he needs to feel wanted and safe. If you want to talk to me in the alternative universe I am the feminine version of an angel- I think he was called gabriel and she is always(le)_ wright his mail was hot but he live in the company (abbreviated) of the uk, as opposed to com.
If you want to see what the next stage may be like go and look at piecing and I wouls siggest Alisuddenly's thread.
Forgive the typo's- as I am on my Blackberry and still a bit woozy.
(((((Hugs)))))
Hope to hear from you
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
