The continuing saga of P ...

[chatterbug]

I got a card as well from MIL and FIL. That was very thoughtful.

I will have to send one back.

Happy Xmas

Cutter.

Now P17 if your MIL brings up WAS. Have a prepaired answer on that.

"Please lets not talk about WAS. Lets keep conversations to us and D."

[P17]

P, I can't help but be curious as to why your MIL has contacted you sooo often lately while your WW has stopped.

I agree with you newmama. As I said my gut just says it's strange, but forget it. Her mum is devious, that I do know. I also know she thinks I'm bi-polar (ahem), an idiot, other nasty words and I think she thinks I'm the same guy she last saw back in April. News flash ... I know her and I know me. I'm not the same guy.

I am "mind reading" but what if your WW really misses your D, told MIL about it, and so somehow gets to find out about D through MIL? Do you see where I'm going?

I do and it did cross my mind. The impression I get though is that D has cut all of us out of her life entirely (removing D as a friend on Bebo and pics) but then that may just be an emotional reaction at how hurt she feels and maybe she thought removing them would hurt me or help her move on. Don't know. I just don't think D actually cares at this point and won't until she comes down from her high.

Also, some time I would love to hear the story of you and D's mum...what happened there? How are you still friends?

This is the very short version. The full one would fill a book.

Met D's mum in November 1999. Moved in around December. She fell pregnant in the Aprilish. D was born in Jan 2001. I left in March 2001. I met W in August 2002. Got married in 2006. Moved here in 2006.

That's the dates out of the way.

D's mum and me were like a fuse waiting to be lit. It just never worked and never would. D was unplanned. I was depressed. Had no job. Lived 300 miles from my parents. Had no support network. D's mum went loo loo when she fell pregnant. Relationship plummeted.

7 years of fighting to see my D for stable access as it was cut off here, changed there and was fine elsewhere. Did want to give up several times and W talked me out of it (believe it or not).

8 years on Social Services got involved. I got regular stable contact. We met to mediation. D's mum admitted to using D as a pawn to get at me - I was stunned that she admitted it and things changed dramatically from then on. W left in August, D's mum has been a pillar of strength for me. I can't thank her enough.

Problem now is that I feel that D's mum may have feelings for me. At least she is a bit more clingy and is asking me to spend a lot of time with her. She is getting jealous when I got out to lunch without her. We are spending Xmas day together with the kids. Don't see me having an R with her, but if I did M would be over as W hates D's mum. The good news is that if I did have an R with D's mum, W would be so filled with anger and rage that she would just explode (a bit like the devil guy at the end of Time Bandits).

Me and D's mum never married (although I did ask her just before D was born).

That's the short version.

[P17]

I got a card as well from MIL and FIL. That was very thoughtful.
I will have to send one back.
Happy Xmas
Cutter.

It is nice. It's just a xmas card but it's nice them remembered me to be honest. Especially when I was convinced they didn't want anything to do with me.

Now P17 if your MIL brings up WAS. Have a prepaired answer on that.
"Please lets not talk about WAS. Lets keep conversations to us and D."

LOL .. cutter you read my mind. That was going to be my next post although I was already pretty set on the 'lets not talk about W' and I certainly wasn't going to ask about her. If MIL brought her innoccously within a conversation, I was going to act casual and ignore it.

I have to remember that everything I say to MIL will go straight back to W. EVERYTHING. So when W asks MIL what I said about her, MIL can safely say 'nothing'. A 180. A slam dunk. It will make me feel good.

I now have to ask myself, do I think that MIL / FIL having a relationship with D is okay (ie. 'Hope to see you in 2010' on the card they sent her)? I am still undecided. As they didn't contact me since W left and have never asked anything about D, coupled with I believe they fully agree and support W's decision to leave and they facilitated it, I can't make my mind up. I do feel however that if I stop contact with them it will be to punish them and not for the good of D.

Not sure. Will need to mull it over so I'm not doing it purely on emotions. Opinions?

[newmama]

I do feel however that if I stop contact with them it will be to punish them and not for the good of D.

Not sure. Will need to mull it over so I'm not doing it purely on emotions. Opinions?

How does D feel about MIL and FIL? Does she miss them, enjoy their company?

If you did want to set up some kind of visiting contact, where would they meet up?

[newmama]

Problem now is that I feel that D's mum may have feelings for me. At least she is a bit more clingy and is asking me to spend a lot of time with her. She is getting jealous when I got out to lunch without her. We are spending Xmas day together with the kids.

I suspected this...it's why I never stay in touch with exes BUT since you have a D together, I totally see why you are in touch.

Don't see me having an R with her, but if I did M would be over as W hates D's mum. The good news is that if I did have an R with D's mum, W would be so filled with anger and rage that she would just explode (a bit like the devil guy at the end of Time Bandits).

Do people see you with D's mum who know W? If so, when was last time they saw you together?
Jealousy does remind us that we have feelings for the other person. BUT it is a double edged sword as I feel it could cause the other person to retaliate with anger. Since you can't get a D for 2 years, there is little W could do in regard to ending your marriage legally, right? So she gets ticked off and explodes, then time goes on. Her relationship with OM will end and then what? Sorry to ramble. I am not helping you to forget about W.

[P17]

How does D feel about MIL and FIL? Does she miss them, enjoy their company?

She did before. More MIL than FIL (she always saw him as scary - he is a tall bloke with scary hair :)). D isn't sure about it. She said she didn't want to and I asked her why but she didn't know. I think it may be because of W. Will dig a little deeper when the time is right.

If you did want to set up some kind of visiting contact, where would they meet up?

They could meet up here and I would let them take her out as I do trust them. Boundary is no contact with W. If that is broken, contact stops.

[P17]

I suspected this...it's why I never stay in touch with exes BUT since you have a D together, I totally see why you are in touch.

A friend suspects the same thing. I do keep telling her though that I am a big boy and will handle my own relationships. But she thinks D's mum is on the prowl. I'm not sure.

I have spoken to D's mum before about us getting back together. What I was trying to do is figure out what she is really thinking. If I am honest, I have thought about it more than once and I think anybody in my sitch would have done so too. It's natural. However I keep coming to the same conclusion - it wouldn't work. D's mum has changed and is the girl I first met just over 10 years ago. However she is not the one for me, that I know.

I think W has the same rule as you - don't keep in touch with exe's.

Do people see you with D's mum who know W? If so, when was last time they saw you together?

Yeah they have done. I have been in W's shop with D's mum. Don't think W saw us, although I could be wrong as I didn't actually check to see if she was there or not but she will have heard.

Jealousy does remind us that we have feelings for the other person. BUT it is a double edged sword as I feel it could cause the other person to retaliate with anger. Since you can't get a D for 2 years, there is little W could do in regard to ending your marriage legally, right?

The only grounds I have been told that W could get a divorce quickly is under 'unreasonable behavour' (the other is adultery but I haven't done anything so only I can file for that - that's my ace in the pack). My behaviour in the 5 weeks prior to W moving out was unreasonable, in a sense, but as even my lawyer says 'completely understandable as your W was leaving you'.

So I don't think she can file. I ain't giving in until I have a reason to so it's 2 years. 1 year if it's uncontested ...

So she gets ticked off and explodes, then time goes on. Her relationship with OM will end and then what? Sorry to ramble. I am not helping you to forget about W.

Newmama, what you say has no bearing on me forgetting about W I have that dilemma on my own shoulders!

W hates D's mum so much that I think it would be a huge stumbling block for her.

W and D's mum had a meeting some weeks ago that I posted on where D's mum offered her contact without me, then backed down when I hit the roof. Anyway, W did tell me that D's mum had said I had been 'crying on her shoulder for 6 weeks'. I confronted D's mum (as it was nonsense) and she said she never said that. W was fishing and trying to assure herself I was upset. She was also trying to see how friendly me and D's mum were I believe.

I know for a fact that W WAS jealous of D's mum as D's mum gave me what W didn't - a child (at least that's how a friend said it). However, that jealousy would probably send her into a rage and not a loving fight to get me back.

At this point, I don't care. I am friendly with D's mum. I am keeping it that way and if W doesn't like it and it stops her coming back, then tough basically. I was not the one who betrayed my spouse. I was not the one who lied, was deceitful and hurtful. So we will be trusting me on this one and not her

[chatterbug]

Well P. Thats neither here nor there at this time. You and D's mom will always be intouch because of D. Perhaps at that time you two were not ready for each other. Perhaps in a year or two from now you two will be ready.

Just live your life and see where it goes. Some times life comes full circle.

For now set strong boundaries and deploy DB on her. But I know it is nice to talk to someone who knows your past. You know its like a connect the dots. She has an outline of you. But does not know whats inside. So she is meeting with you and as you have your conversations you connect the dots. The history is there.
Thats nice. A good friend is a good friend. And we need our good friends to help us through these times.

[chatterbug]

they are still hiding the adultery from the book...

Cutter, do you not find that stuff kind of funny?

P17 lost in translation

Sad.... not meaning unhappy.

But wow thats pathetic.

[P17]

they are still hiding the adultery from the book...

Cutter, do you not find that stuff kind of funny?

P17 lost in translation
Sad.... not meaning unhappy.
But wow thats pathetic.

That's what I meant ... funny as in 'how sad is that'.