Keep a business like manner during mediation. NO EMOTION, you going to have to put your acting skills to their best use possible.
If she tries to pin this onto you reply with, "I understand how you could see it like that. I know that one day, when you look back upon this with a clearer head, you will see that you left me no choice. With that in mind let's return to the issue at hand and move on, shall we?"
Again, I repeat, this is NOT the end. You're stirring the pot.
I do realize this isn't the end. If my other post sounded that way, it's because I'm trying to get myself in that mindset to help me handle mediation. I need to give the impression that I'm done, so the more I believe it, the better. I'm also a realist, and know that my M very well may be over, so I need to put myself in the best possible position for the future.
Gotta go to mediation now. I'll post when I get back!
I sure hope this isn't the end, because I do love that woman. You might read that and think I was weak, but I wasn't. I stuck to my guns. And you might read what's coming next and wonder why I love her, but I do.
We started by my laying out our financial history and how she has to share in our financial burdens 50/50. I make about 2/3rds of our combined income, but we have a block of marital debt that she's just as liable for as me. She said she's not paying me a penny, and that the debt is on me. She said there's no way she's liable. She said our financial burdens were mostly my fault anyway, because I made some bad decisions too, and I could have said no to her when she was spending money. Wow. At this point the mediator calmly jumped in and said my case was valid, but also pointed out that there was no financial means available for her to compensate me.
Then my W laid out a proposal that said she can provide after school care for the kids if I pay her for her time. We do need to provide care, and I said perhaps that was a way she could compensate me for the financial burdens she's left me. She got angry and started down a very ugly path. She said the reason she shouldn't have to compensate me is because she's ALLOWING us to have 50/50 custody. THAT's my compensation she said. I asked "What do you mean?" She said "I think it would be better for the kids if I had primary custody, but I know their time with you is important, so I'm willing to stick with our shared custody. That's how I'm compensating you for the financial burdens." I didn't get angry, but I strongly said "So I should consider the fact that you're not taking my kids from me entirely as a gift? I think the courts might think otherwise. If you want to go down that route, let's go." She said "I'm not afraid of going to court. I have documented evidence of you getting the kids to school late, and sending them to mom's so you can go out." I said "Do you really want me presenting my case in court?" Again she said "I'm not afraid." I stopped and paused for a LONG time. The mediator just let me pause. Then I said "I'm not sure we should be here anymore. If you're willing to go down that road, I don't think this is going to work." Then the mediator jumped in and said "There isn't money for her to compensate you for the financial burden, so W, is there even a symbolic gesture you can make to allow H to know you accept shared responsibility for the financial situation? Again I said maybe the child care she provides on my days would be a way. She resisted at first, but then said she'd consider it.
That was the worst of it, then it started getting better. We discussed life insurance, and how I was planning on setting up a trust for the kids with my father as trustee. She started objecting, asking what happens if my father dies, and I said then my brother becomes trustee. She didn't like the idea of having to negotiate with them to get money for the kids' college expenses. I asked "Don't you trust that they'll keep the kids' interest at heart? I've talked to them about it, and they just want to do whatever I ask them to do." She then said something that made me take note. She said with a defeated tone "I've given up believing people will do what they say." The look on her face was one of pain, and I knew she was talking about OM. She then said "What if S is a gifted artist and wants to go to Europe to learn? Your father or brother aren't going to support that." I asked "Do you think I would?" She softened and said "Yes, that's why I married you and not your brother." That got to me a little and I softened a bit. I said I was touched by that and I'll think about what I'll do about it. Didn't offer anything, just said I'd think about it.
I then brought up the issue that my social security and life insurance will need to be split among my future wife and possible other dependent children. My W more strongly said "If that's the case, I definitely want something in our agreement that says some amount of money is allocated to our kids' college." Again I sincerely said I'd think about how I was going to handle that. The mediator asked if I'd like my W to get life insurance as well. She had no idea how much it would cost, so I said it would probably cost her around $300 per year. She said "I'm going to need to save every penny so I don't end up like my Mom (living on a meager fixed income). She was supposed get some of my Dad's life insurance when he died and it didn't end up happening, and now look how she lives." A little back story required here. Her Dad had an A and left her Mom, and her Mom never quite recovered, never remarried, and now lives alone on her low income. Her life has been absolutely rejuvenated by her grandkids though! Anyway, back the story at hand. After my W gave her sob story about needing to save so she doesn't end up like her mom I looked right at her and said "With your Mom, the roles were reversed though." My W looked like she got kicked in the gut, and she quietly said "We don't need to discuss that here." That might have been a cheap shot, but it's about making her feel consequences, right? I ended up saying she didn't need to get insurance, as long as I'd get her Social Security.
That's about it. We wrapped up and left. My W was an emotional wreck. We got to the elevators and I asked "Do you want me to take a different elevator?" She looked straight ahead and gave no response, so I quietly said "That was a joke." She just nodded. We got in the elevator and she pressed the button for the lobby, then I said "I like walking down the marble staircase", so I hit the button for the second floor. The building is a grand old building that has a big open marble staircase from the second floor to the lobby. My W kind of smiled. I wondered if she'd get off with me at the second floor, and she did, and we walked down the marble staircase together. We walked out the door, she turned right and said "See ya." I said "Bye, W."
Sorry this is so long, I tried to only include the most important stuff, and thanks for everyone's support here!
My W called twice afterwards, I didn't answer, but she left a voice message saying "H, we were done. We were sleeping in separate beds. I was looking for another place to live. We were done. If you want to call it an A, that's up to you, but if you're going to bring it up in mediation when I'm paying for it, let me know and I'll not bother to waste the money. I don't care what the mediator thinks, that's why I didn't defend myself today, but there's no point in bringing it up in mediation."
The whole thing is ridiculous. She's so trying to alleviate her guilt. She doesn't accept that she was in an EA prior to us sleeping in separate beds. Her EA turned sexual literally the day after she decided to sleep in a seperate bed. Plus she herself said several times during the last year that we're NOT done yet. Just two weeks ago she threw a fit when I said I was done.
My impulse is to respond and point all this out, but I assume I shouldn't take the bait? She wants to fight, to put in on me, right?
Oh, I think you know the answer to that one already, Future.
Puppy
Yep, let her own it all by herself. Let her thoughts marinate on her brain for a while.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
