I had a quiet weekend. Sans kids. Except for marching with S8 in the local Christmas Parade (as part of our cub scout pack) I didn't have the company of my S's.
On the way to the parade, S8 started a conversation with me -- another one of those conversations. He started out by saying, almost out of the blue, that I tend to say "bad things" about Mr. OM, but his mother never says anything bad about my friends.
I quickly assessed that this was another sudden veering into unhealthy conversational territory. I asked S8 to clarify -- did he mean "bad" or "negative"?
He said, "negative".
So I said, I am sorry, but yes, I do occasionally say negative things about OM. However, there's a whole world of difference between that, where there are very justified reason for how I view OM (that he is not a person that can be trusted or relied upon, and is certainly not a role model), and xW refraining from saying anything about my friends. First of all, his mother has absolutely no grounds on which to judge my group of friends, but the converse is certainly not true. I explained to S8 that I have a legitimate stance regarding someone like OM who had an active role in the dissolution of my M, the splitting of S8's parents and the destruction of his family. None of my friends, past of present, had even a remote role in harming our family.
I told S8 I was sorry if my views of his mother's "friend" seems unfair to him. He is still quite young and some day he is going to have to judge for himself the real character of OM, but for now he needs to understand that he doesn't have all the information.
I then asked him if this was something his mother has been talking to him about, and he quickly denied it.
I changed the subject off of this matter, but it has stuck with me. I am quite certain she has been again talking to him about my (mostly unvoiced, but otherwise understood) opposition to her inclusion of OM in everything they do now, what amounts to her attempts to foment a fatherly relationship between this stranger and my S's. As such she is still trying to paint me as a hateful person to them.
Hateful? No. Jealous for my S's? Most definitely. (My S's already have a father!)
But I cannot control what she says to our children, either directly or through insinuation. All I can do is to continue to talk to them, keep the lines of communication open, and to lead by example.
I just hope I can instill enough judgment, values and discernment in them that they can faithfully see things for themselves.
More crap from xW of late. She gave me the 3rd degree Tuesday night during my nightly call with my S's. I was explaining to S8 that I had been having some difficulty arranging for S5 to get his chief-most item on his Christmas wishlist --either from Santa or other sources. S8 started to get upset on his younger sibling's behalf and then xW butted in and started grilling me on the details. Why this and why that. After a very difficult day, I really didn't need her interferring in my convo with my S's.
So she promptly sent me a nasty gram via email (several before it was all done) upbraiding me for upsetting our oldest child. She included all the usual sharply worded diatribe about how horrible a person I am for failing my S's and then ruining her time with them by talking to S8 about it. I concede she has somewhat of a point, but otherwise it was her typical myopic rant, and as usual stimulated by her own ill will than anything else. Her so-called defense of our S's "interests" are nothing but a pretext for her getting her own digs into me.
(Incidentally, I have since managed to acquire the hard-to-find item that S5 had asked for.)
I don't know what to do sometimes. There just seems to be no winning with her around. She refuses to see that (1) S8 would have been just fine had she not also got on the line and raised her ire in front of him, and (2) that S8 has become waaaay to focused on the material aspects of Christmas -- so much so that he gets upset even if it looks like his little brother won't get his prime request -- and I feel like his attitude can most definitely be laid at her feet.
I am praying constantly now of days that, among other things, my S's can relax and have a joyous holiday this year without so much focus on gift-getting. I pray that I can somehow rectify their expectations and redirect their focus on what is most important at this time -- to take to heart the real reason for the holiday. This is the one gift for Christmas I want more than anything else -- even if I got nothing else I would count myself happy beyond belief.
wow nc, sorry for the amount of BS you have to deal with xW. Explain s8 that other than food and lodging everything else, including gifts, are optional, that you may choose not to buy stuff and that it is your decision, not his or his brother's, it's yours to make. There will be pouts and complaints, but stick to your guns. You didn't have to explain to your s8 anything, don't give him so much power... as for xW butting in, cut her off inmediately and dont' explain her anything either, say you'll call later and hang up. BTDT hon, trust me, the less you explain/talk to her the better, she is too toxic, stick to the bare minimum and that's it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I got my S's last evening (starting my week of custody) -- I have been talking with S8, letting him tell me what he's thinking about the holidays. I am trying to gently let him know that the focus should not be on what he is getting. I think he's okay with the my saying that we just don't know what Santa will bring this year, but I think he is also convinced that he and his brother are going to get everything on their list, that Santa is just bluffing when it comes to keeping a reign on the gifts this year.
It's going to take some time. It's an uphill battle, with my (as you so accurately put it) toxic former spouse, their mother, obliviously working against me. So be it.
I blame myself for helping set the precedent when we were M. I went all out and tried to spoil my family, but it was unwise. xW hasn't stopped, hasn't realized how materialism was such a huge contributing factor to ripping our family apart. SInce the bomb I've tried to turn over a new leaf.
Forbes is still. We have the National Guard out there and our own FOE airport. We were out there today looking for the dumb battery place so I got to see much more of it than normal. I think you mentioned that once before so yep I have an image of you whenever I head out there!
Hope you are having a wonderful day.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think if you do the right thing re: materialism the kids will figure that out. And respect you for that in time. I also think they'll figure out about the OM. I talked about it once with the kids, on my therapist's advice, just saying that normal marriages the spouses don't date other people. Then I dropped it for the last year or so, don't mention the OW at all. I know my s16 doesn't like her and I think is more aware of what kind of person she is. I think their AS maybe makes it a little more difficult for them to figure out stuff; they think everyone is good and sweet and kind, well most people are, but I think they are figuring out earlier than me that everyone isn't.
My B'day was good and quiet. And yes, Donna, having my kids was all the gift I needed.
We ended up not doing much. I asked the boys where they wanted to take me on my B'day, and they were not really interested in going out at all, no matter what I suggested -- even an amusement park. This tends to happen a lot now of days. xW seems to inundate them with outings and other activities all during her week, so much so they're ready to be home-bodies by the time my week comes around.
Still, I had no real set plans, no places to go, no work, no bills to pay, no projects -- so we three spent the afternoon sitting on the floor playing with Legos together. I actually had a great time -- we were all absorbed for hours building our own creations. (It's hard, as a single parent, to give oneself the opportunity to spend time doing "frivolous" things with your kids like that -- but it is definitely time well-wasted. LOL.)
We did go out to eat and I let the boys take me to a restaurant for a belated birthday meal after church the next day. That was very pleasant too.
Karen, I agree with you on the AS thing. My S8 is always giving strangers the benefit of doubt. But his nature, whether that is mostly due to his AS or not, I am not certain, is to argue the knees of a millipede if you let him. He is a stickler for what he considers right or fair -- he could easily be a L (heaven forbid!) And while I try to validate his having some notions that are more misguided, I will let him know that he needs to reconsider them all the same. In fact I am trying to encourage him to healthily challenge himself from time to time.
Not easy for someone with AS. (Not easy for someone neurotypical either.)
I too worry a bit about how D tends to make kids so jaded about life. My xW is snapping at me about making sure we both try to preserve our young children's belief in Santa Clause, to protect their innocence -- and yet she refuses to recognize how our failure to keep our M together, in particular her sabotage of our MR through lies, deceit and infidelity, has done so much to undermine their having normal childhoods.
