I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[timehealsall]

Thanks crushed! I will look into it.

I'm very emotional today. I have a second interview so I need to snap out of it.

I keep thinking of my conversation yesterday with WS and am sad that we were at a better place just weeks ago and now it feels like we are back at square one. I don't know if this is his own emotional roller coaster that he's going through or what, but I just wish we could ride it out together.

I truly cannot imagine my life without him. I cannot accept the thought that we were only meant to have our beautiful children together, that I will not accept... I don't believe in that.. I feel dumb for even having thought of that. I don't know what to do.. my heart is telling me to talk to him and wants to be with him but I'm thinking that'll push him further away so I need to pray to god to give me the strength to give him the time he needs to sort himself out.

[lolawar]

Hi THA
I am in a similar position. H is 38. I am 34. We do not have children which makes it a bit easier on me each day.

I am also dealing with an OW and the waffling that your H is demonstrating. One minute you feel like they are back and the next...you are sitting across from a complete stranger. My H is seeing an IC right now. We believe he is suffering from something- just not sure if it is just depression or something else. With all of the financial issues you are having..I am sure that your H is depressed over this. I don't know if your H's erratic behavior is caused by depression or because he is still continuing his A with the OW... or possibly a combination of both.

My H would cry and want to come back and then be distant. His IC told him that he is unahppy in his life...and to not place blame on his marriage or me. I would stop blaming yourself. Nobody is perfect in a marriage....and nothing you have done warrants your H to break his commitment and have an A. It is cowardly and immature. Stop trying to make up for your past mistakes...I have been getting some good advice on here.. on my post and reading others...I think some tough love may be in order.

He knows he has you..when you show some signs of detachment...he sucks you right back in again. I think you need to hold your ground...no threats..no divorce papers..just try to stay with little contact. Whether his A is still going on or if there is something else happening here...I don't know. But he will continue this waffling for as long as YOU let him.

[lolawar]

and one additional thing to add...it looks like your H was escaping from life with all the DRAMA that came along with the R with this 22 year old. Sometimes when people are depressed..they want to escape from the predictable stable life they have...they seek something completely opposite...thinking that if they do things completely different...they will find happiness. Just a thought.

[timehealsall]

Hi THA
I am in a similar position. H is 38. I am 34. We do not have children which makes it a bit easier on me each day.

I am also dealing with an OW and the waffling that your H is demonstrating. One minute you feel like they are back and the next...you are sitting across from a complete stranger. My H is seeing an IC right now. We believe he is suffering from something- just not sure if it is just depression or something else. With all of the financial issues you are having..I am sure that your H is depressed over this. I don't know if your H's erratic behavior is caused by depression or because he is still continuing his A with the OW... or possibly a combination of both.

My H would cry and want to come back and then be distant. His IC told him that he is unahppy in his life...and to not place blame on his marriage or me. I would stop blaming yourself. Nobody is perfect in a marriage....and nothing you have done warrants your H to break his commitment and have an A. It is cowardly and immature. Stop trying to make up for your past mistakes...I have been getting some good advice on here.. on my post and reading others...I think some tough love may be in order.

He knows he has you..when you show some signs of detachment...he sucks you right back in again. I think you need to hold your ground...no threats..no divorce papers..just try to stay with little contact. Whether his A is still going on or if there is something else happening here...I don't know. But he will continue this waffling for as long as YOU let him.

I think he totally is.. he needs financial support.. it's something that's been badgered into his head.. I guess from seeing his parents go through it. He feels that without it, nothing else matters.

As for the OW, she is pregnant with her fiance's child.. they were engaged in December. She has blocked us both from FB as well.. I have his PC monitored through keylogger and the cell phone is in my name and there has been no contact.. my gut hasn't given me any indication that he's back to it either but again, who ever truly knows...

Thanks for the advice! I need to hear it!

[timehealsall]

and one additional thing to add...it looks like your H was escaping from life with all the DRAMA that came along with the R with this 22 year old. Sometimes when people are depressed..they want to escape from the predictable stable life they have...they seek something completely opposite...thinking that if they do things completely different...they will find happiness. Just a thought.

He was escaping alright but this was before I found out about the A. The girl resembles me at 22 (when we started dating).. he did all the things with her like we used to do when we were that age. it's mindboggling. BTW, we didn't officially start to R until December/January. I don't count anything before that as such. He was still having contact with her up until November 6th. (last time he saw her was in October) Before November, it was just pure hell and he was a totally different person.

My MIL has been overseas with him and hanging over him like a hawk since January.. I am very thankful for that.

[timehealsall]

He called to wish me well this morning (I had an interview). he seemed happy and was playful on the phone. I didn't call him or email today. He made all the contact.

I just truly need to detach myself from him. I thought I was doing ok but it seems I got way too comfortable and rather than come off in a good way, I think it smothered him. (sigh)

[timehealsall]

I went for my second interview and nailed it. I haven't even spoken to him and I refuse to call him. That's just so FU that he wouldn't call to see how it went. He forwarded an email to me (I help him with his business) and I just ignored it. No message in the forward either.

What is going on in that head of his?

It just saddens me. He was never the type to call me 24/7 but I'm so pathetically needy and fragile that it's like I'm expecting him to...

[timehealsall]

Hey everyone.

Here is a little update in this thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...383#Post1978383

and I also wanted to add that this is where we are at right now.

Since we started therapy, DH seems somewhat distant in terms of affection. No touching or anything, unless I initiate it. Should I NOT be doing anything? One of his big reasons for doing what he did is because he said I lacked affection towards him and didn't make him feel loved or wanted or "like a man." He told the therapist last friday that he wants to get a legal separation in order to "miss me and perhaps be able to appreciate what he has" and also so he can go back overseas to tend to business without me "fighting with him everyday." which is an exaggeration and the arguments were because of him.

What do I do? He is too focused on our financial situation to really do anything or handle and or work on our marriage.

Please help. I want to be sure I'm doing the right things here.

Thanks!

[timehealsall]

Please help me! He emailed me to tell me he is booking his flight and is leaving this upcoming Monday and that I need to make arrangements for what I'm doing with the kids.

I need you guys!

[james217]

how long is he planning on being gone? are you working THA? has he said anything about the finances being handled by him or will you have to go back to work?

when he came back after january you guys still had alot of fights? It takes two people to argue.

you are alot impatient like me. I just started taking my time and thinking through my thoughts and actions.

first thing u should do though is BREATHE.

ill be back to check on u