I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[Coach]

Do I set boundaries even if he has already expressed that he doesn't want to work things out?

Absolutely you do. In fact, that's probably when they are needed the MOST.

And please stop revealing your intel to him. You're under no obligation to read those e-mails to him, and it would be better off for him to NOT know what you know, or what you don't know.

Puppy

Following your feelings helped get you to this point. That's why it feels so counter-intuitive to do the right things. Start thinking clearly, what you are doing isn't working. What we are saying works, try it and measure the results.

Cheers

[timehealsall]

update:

he came back down after the movie and wanted to talk to me. told me that he knows that I won't believe anything he says and that I have good reason to but that it's over between him and this girl. He apologized for making a stupid mistake and wished he hadn't done it. He said that he was just messing around with her like me and her have been going back and forth.

I told him that I cannot go on like that anymore. That when he does things like that, they hurt me and make me feel worthless. I also told him that when I told him that we'd work things out, I was never looking to get things back to how they used to be. Obviously, things weren't okay OR we wouldn't have ended up like this. He looked at me baffled when I said that but also happy in a way? i told him that regardless of whether or not we're together, that I am forever changed. he hugged me and apologized and he slept in our bed with me.

The next day was good. we hosted a brunch and it was really nice. we then went to a friend's house for dinner and that was that. No talk of the OW or anything. it was nice to not have to worry about that. He did go to bed in the spare bedroom this night and that bothered me tremendously. It made me feel like he regretted sleeping beside me the night before.

We decorated our tree and his mom called him (hadn't spoken with her in over 2 years). They settled alot of matters. He had her on speakerphone while I was there to listen (their quarrels involved me quite a bit) and I was proud at how he handled his mother. he didn't back down on her and stuck up for me. After that convo, he seemed somewhat relieved and happy. I am happy for him.. I believe that not having his family (who have always played a large role in our lives) around played a big role in our problems. They have always been an outlet for us and we didn't have that for a long time.

He still slept in the spare bedroom despite us getting along nicely. that is the part that kills me. it makes me feel like i'm worth it to help him or do him favors or to be the little housewife (cooking, cleaning, etc.) but I'm not good enough to sleep next to/with? Our relationship (in the beginning before we had kids) was always a very physical relationship. Sex and intimacy always played a big role in our relationship. And even now, I feel that even though he thinks that he shouldn't sleep with me because he doesn't want to lead me on, why can't we? Any insight on this?

After a few nights of us going our separate ways and my trying my best to 180, I broke down and reacted (UGH!!!!) this past Saturday night. We watched a movie and then he was going to go to bed and I just went off asking him how he does it? how he can just go to bed alone and not with me. He told me that he doesn't want to argue with me and he doesn't want to lead me on. I told him that the reason I told him that in the past he did lead me on was because my reason for telling him so was because I'd find out he was with the OW. To me, that's leading me on. He told me that he cannot focus on our marriage right now. He can only focus on money and the kids. He apologized about it. He said that he cannot understand why I can't just relax and just take it easy and not argue with him. He said that it took a long time for him to build the wall up towards me and to build that resentment and anger towards me and that it'll take time for him to rebuild his feelings for me. He also said that he feels like we're rebuilding somewhat and he just wants to relax and let it happen.

I went to bed that night upset.

The next day I woke up and got myself dressed to the 9s and left him with the kids and went out. It was nice to get out kid-free and clear my head. i went out for a while and he called me/text me and I ignored it until he called me a second time and I was already on my way home.

he had called to tell me that the OW and her sister had run into his friend overseas and they were trashtalking him and he was mad that the OW's sister was doing this because she had sent him emails telling him not to waste his time on her sister and here she was now attacking him and talking badly about him. he asked me if I still had access to his other account, which I answered no because i had deleted it and he asked if I had the emails because he was thinking of emailing the OW the sister's email that she sent to H badmouthing OW so that they could fight amongst themselves and leave everyone alone. I told him that by doing that he was just opening himself up to more communication with the OW and anyone else she is associated with and that it's better to leave it alone. I was actually taken back that he came to me with this and didn't attempt to get the info himself.

After a while, he said forget it, that I was right it wasn't worth it. He then proceeded to say that I need to please understand that it's over between him and the OW. that it's done. she's only badmouthing him because she's upset that he's with me again (that's what she thinks despite him telling me we're not), and that she has a boyfriend and he doesn't understand why she even bothers.

He then asked me while we were sitting in our office how to block her on facebook because he doesn't want her contacting him or any of his friends/family. I did it for him and he kept asking me to make sure that she wouldn't be able to contact him. I then did the same for my facebook account. That took me by surprise too.

I was in the kitchen preparing lunch and he came by me and practically seduced me in the kitchen (I'm sorry it it's TMI but this is like a journal for me and if I don't put this down, I'll feel like it didn't happen). It was really nice and I enjoyed it.

I then went about doing my thing at home and later that night he was on skype with his friend (same one as before who also runs his office overseas) and I was wearing a frilly nightie and once he got a glimpse he cut his convo short and came into the bedroom and we were intimate again.

Monday, we just did stuff around the house and he spoke with his mother again later that night. He was somewhat affectionate towards me and then we slept beside each other that night.

He left to go overseas Tuesday morning. I was asleep and he stopped by my side of the bed almost like second guessing himself on whether he should say goodbye or not.. (I could totally be overthinking things like usual). I just shot up out of bed and gave him a hug wishing him well and that was that. No romantic goodbye.. didn't want to put either of us in an awkward situation.

He didn't contact me until yesterday evening. He text me to tell me he had arrived and was at the gym.. i didn't hear from him until the next afternoon. he sent an email with the kids as the subject line and just asked how they were and asked me to send them hugs and kisses. it kind of upset me that he didn't ask how I was? he later one called me and left me a vm and sounded okay and he was heading to the gym. (a note: we usually were never the type of couple that called each other 9234982 times a day. even when things were at it's best, sometimes we'd go the whole day without calling each other... maybe that's not a good thing? I don't know.. i feel myself questioning everything lately).

He sent me an email tonight asking me why I hadn't replied back so I replied back telling him the kids were okay and were sleeping. nothing more.

any help or insight?

how do I implement the 180 with him being overseas and how we don't usually contact each other much during this time?

Is it normal for me to be scared that he won't miss me or think of me?

another thing, I have a keylogger on his computer and noticed that he has a folder with all my emails that i sent him in it and he was reading our last email exchange from a few weeks earlier where he told me he wanted to be friends. any comments as to why he was reading that?

I find myself being paranoid about everything lately.

I order DR and DB books and they should be here before weekend.. can't wait.

thanks for reading and your support.

hugs to all!

[timehealsall]

Do I set boundaries even if he has already expressed that he doesn't want to work things out?

Absolutely you do. In fact, that's probably when they are needed the MOST.

And please stop revealing your intel to him. You're under no obligation to read those e-mails to him, and it would be better off for him to NOT know what you know, or what you don't know.

Puppy

Following your feelings helped get you to this point. That's why it feels so counter-intuitive to do the right things. Start thinking clearly, what you are doing isn't working. What we are saying works, try it and measure the results.

Cheers

you're right Coach. SOO right! I can't wait to receive these books already..

[TrentC]

update:

he came back down after the movie and wanted to talk to me. told me that he knows that I won't believe anything he says and that I have good reason to but that it's over between him and this girl. He apologized for making a stupid mistake and wished he hadn't done it. He said that he was just messing around with her like me and her have been going back and forth.

There is a way for you to trust him; it's called transparency.

* You get the passwords to any and all email accounts that he has, and can check at any time.
* He drafts an email that you get to read and watch him send, telling her to not contact him any more.
* He has to leave his mobile phone unlocked and let you look at the call and msg history whenever you want.
* You can call him at any time you want to check on his whereabouts.
* You get to open any phone bills or anything that will show a call or msg history, in case he feels like tidying up on his phone.

If he doesn't agree to that, or violates the terms of this agreement, then he is toast. He violated your trust and his commitment to you. That's something that can be rebuilt, but the key word is rebuilt. It will take time and effort on his part to get you to trust him again, and that's part of the work of rebuilding the relationship.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

update:

he came back down after the movie and wanted to talk to me. told me that he knows that I won't believe anything he says and that I have good reason to but that it's over between him and this girl. He apologized for making a stupid mistake and wished he hadn't done it. He said that he was just messing around with her like me and her have been going back and forth.

There is a way for you to trust him; it's called transparency.

* You get the passwords to any and all email accounts that he has, and can check at any time.
* He drafts an email that you get to read and watch him send, telling her to not contact him any more.
* He has to leave his mobile phone unlocked and let you look at the call and msg history whenever you want.
* You can call him at any time you want to check on his whereabouts.
* You get to open any phone bills or anything that will show a call or msg history, in case he feels like tidying up on his phone.

If he doesn't agree to that, or violates the terms of this agreement, then he is toast. He violated your trust and his commitment to you. That's something that can be rebuilt, but the key word is rebuilt. It will take time and effort on his part to get you to trust him again, and that's part of the work of rebuilding the relationship.

BINGO. Trent is right. You need to ask your husband for this, saying "This is what I need in order to feel safe in our marriage again." If he won't do it, then tell him you have no other reasonable explanation other than he must either still be in contact with OW, or he wants to be able to be, and then proceed accordingly.

At least you'll have your answer. I've lived in Limbo. Limbo SUKKS.

Puppy

[timehealsall]

I have all of that info though. now what?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He gave it to you? I"m confused.

[timehealsall]

Yes, I have everything..I had everything before he willingly gave it to me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh. That kinda changes the whole dynamic then. Cuz it's not really "transparency" when you've unilaterally TAKEN the see-thru-ness FROM them.

Hmmmm; gonna have to noodle this one.

Puppy

[Coach]

I was in the kitchen preparing lunch and he came by me and practically seduced me in the kitchen

Lesson Learned - when you stood up for yourself, projected that confidence and strength it's very attractive. Don't forget this going forward, you paid too much tuition to forget this lesson.