W ended up giving D17 the choice of who to shop with. That seemed inappropriate to me; D17 does NOT need to be in the middle of this! D17 still choose to go with me, since she had gone with mom before.
I had a GREAT time shopping with D17, and she did too! and dinner was ok too, but the end was a disaster, and I think screwed it up pretty bad.
When the bill showed up, I asked W if she had any cash, and I said that all the cash was missing. The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them! It had been a successful hour and 1/2 up til then. W says she is angry because her laptop won't connect to home network anymore and assumes that I've disabled it (not true!). That's why she took the money. I managed to calmly say ok, and then asked the kids to go outside real quick while we pay the bill.
I then told her that taking the money is not acceptable to me. I understand her complaints. She is the one that wants out of the M, and I am taking care of myself and preparing for what she ultimately is asking for. Furthermore, she should fix her own computer, the very one she hides from me and does not want me to touch. I'm done laying down.
She once more launched with how only now I wanted to be part of the family. I once more said I understood what she was saying. She said that I had forced her into the guest room. I said, I am sleeping in the masterbedroom, you choose to leave on your own.
I said I want to work this out, but this can't continue. That's my choice. you can take it or leave it. Then I got up and left.
Came out smiling, and took D17 shopping.
Still, I wish I had kept my mouth shut. I should've done this later, and planned what I was gonna say.
When we got home (after 3+ hours shopping), W was in basement steaming mad. she fixed her computer herself and says I put the money back, and I don't want to talk to you!!@#!
I haven't checked on the money yet; I'm trying to keep the house quite for kids.
How much worse have I made the sitch now?
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
In my opinion, none. Your W is suffering from untreated alcoholism, BPD, and a possible OM, oh, yeah, and stole money (half of which is legally yours). You asking her about the theft, who gives a rip? I just thought you should not say anything b/c it was your D's day, and took the focus off that, and not good for your kids. I do think you should try not to have any discussions like that in front of the kids, but it prob. was almost inevitable with you having no cool-off time. That's why I suggested earlier if it hadn't been your D's birthday celebration, I would advise you not to go.
My first couple months here I did stuff like that too. You're in a rough, stressful situation, so just move on and try to learn from your mistakes. Take it as a learning experience.
Well, I checked and she did put most of the money back. I'm assuming that if she saw a lawyer he told her not to take the money. Or, she is seeing about to see a lawyer.
Surprisingly she appears to still be in the basement, and not drinking herself to sleep again. Maybe she's online with the lawyer now!
Last edited by Awoken; 11/22/0904:06 AM.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
W told me this morning that she did see a lawyer, and she'll decide what she's gonna do over the thanksgiving break. She's not happy I separated our finances. She canceled her IC with MC on Monday, and said we should schedule a meeting with MC together (presumably to work out D) when she gets back from trip. I said "I'll have to think about that".
Then I allowed it to turn into an R talk; I should have just walked away! This sucks. She says she's really really angry that I'm been making these changes in myself these past four weeks. She's never wanted to be married all these years, and never brought up any concerns because it would just lead to this. This is script, right?
Then I said, that what ever happened, things would have to be very different. It's not acceptable to me for you to put the kids in the middle by talking about me to D17, or having the kids move your stuff out of the room. She protested, and I said D17 told me she told you it wasn't cool. (silence from W).
I then said I'm worried about your drinking and how it effects the family. She says I'm drinking less, and I say I know you are drinking more. (silence)
Then is it just a coincidence that you created your plan to leave the family right after you quit your meds? She says I can make decisions on my own. and I said, our agreement has always been to discuss your medicines together so this is something else you have done on your own outside the M. My reactions have been to take care of the family.
I walked outside to get away(in the rain).
I talked too long. It's hard, because I need to be home with my kids and yet avoid her as much as possible. I don't want to just hide in my room;
Last edited by Awoken; 11/22/0904:18 PM.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
W told me this morning that she did see a lawyer, and she'll decide what she's gonna do over the thanksgiving break.
You need to see your L too, and make some decisions as well.
Quote:
She's not happy I separated our finances.
To me, that's a good sign that you did the right thing. If she didn't have plans to raid your finances, it wouldn't bother her. She proved she was untrustworthy already by stealing from you this week. You have nothing to explain or defend about this; it was the right thing to do for you and your family.
Quote:
She canceled her IC with MC on Monday, and said we should schedule a meeting with MC together (presumably to work out D) when she gets back from trip. I said "I'll have to think about that".
I would clarify that. If the MC is to work on your marriage, which is what that's usually intended for, then go. If it's to work on D, then I wouldn't bother.
Quote:
Then I allowed it to turn into an R talk; I should have just walked away!
Right, walk away!
Quote:
This sucks. She says she's really really angry that I'm been making these changes in myself these past four weeks. She's never wanted to be married all these years, and never brought up any concerns because it would just lead to this. This is script, right?
Completely script.
In my opinion, it's time for you to get tough. Consult with your L first, but I would def. discuss your wife's BPD & current active alcoholism. I've been reading the nolo guide to divorce this week, and just yesterday read about that. They suggest that if you have a current substance abuse problem most likely you, not your W, will receive primary custody of your children. Your W will have limited visitation, most likely have to be supervised visitation, and if they use drugs or alcohol in the children's presence, visitation may be discontinued.
I do not think your W is aware of how D will affect her life. I'm betting that she didn't even mention her drinking problems and unmedicated BPD condition to her L.
My opinion is this is far from over. Getting tough with your W may be the best thing for her at this point. Facing reality and consequences and all that. I would talk to your L about what you can do about getting primary custody and all the other recommended limited, supervised visitation for your W. I honestly think that will be the best at this point for you and your children.
If at some point your W is willing and receives treatment for her BPD and alcoholism; then you can work on reconciling at that point if you're interested. At this point, I would focus on your children though.
thanks yet again. I called my lawyer on saturday, but of course haven't heard back yet.
To be honest, I'm also worried that "losing mom" will devastate the kids. It's gonna be very hard. I know what you are saying to do is the RIGHT THING, yet it feels unsure to me still. I'm so divided;
I can't do anything today. Tomorrow I'll see MC for IC, and hopefully talk to my lawyer.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
