He keeps throwing things back in my face about how I rejected him and that we got here because of ME.. that if I had showed him more love and not shut him out, he never would have gone outside the marriage.
Coach, my H is the type that won't do something because I TOLD him to.
He has told me he DOESN'T WANT me and isn't in love with me anymore. By telling him to leave, he will do just that. My kids are what is holding me back. I can't do this to them with the holidays here. I live 2000 miles away from my family.
Hey sweetie, The most important thing is to be a good role model for your children. Be the best YOU you can be. Stick to your CORE VALUES and shine.
The key is to set enforceable boundaries (that you control) with natural consequence to him. Give him choices. Go read the boundaries thread.
"What is best for the kids is best for me."
The best thing for the kids is having two responsible parents that respect each other. Is this what you have?
Respect yourself to set healthy boundaries for YOU. This will gain respect from H (Even if he gets really angry )
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You're right.. He is the product of a very dysfunctional family with 2 parents who HATED each other. Remember the movie War of the Roses? that's them. So anytime I do anything like that, he calls me by his mother's first name.
He is walking in his parents footsteps. Do not enable this.
Burn this statement into your head: "I am sorry you feel that way" and just stare into his eyes. Listen. Be a broken record. When you want to argue, VALIDATE and empathize. DO NOT PULL THE ROPE.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
He text me yesterday to ask me when I was going to give him his goodbye letter. I had no clue what he was talking about until it registered that he had read my journal. Not that I was hiding it, I keep it on my nightstand. It helps me clear my head and prevents my blowups from happening when I can get my thoughts out of my head and on paper. I told him that it was a journal and not a goodbye letter.
Fast forward to after my confrontation that I told you all about yesterday.
When he came home from the gym (took the kids out to lunch afterwards too), he wanted to sort of start in with a convo about what had happened. I just ignored him more or less telling him that there was no more talk about it.. that as he had told me before, we need to move on and I didn't want to discuss the topic any further and that I have already had legal zoom draft up the papers. his face just dropped. and he kept continuing on about it. but I just went and took care of my kids.
He then tried to strike up a convo with me but I just gave him short answers.
After I put the kids down for their naps, I told him I needed to step out and he asked where and I said I needed to get a few things and just left. When I returned, he was up with the kids and he asked me where I went and I told him I just needed a few things and left it at that.
He then asked me about something I was working on for him for this campaign he is working on and he came over and massaged my shoulders while I was working on the project on my computer. (????????)
I went on and cooked dinner and we all sat down and ate and then he helped me clean up (another rarity) and he even squeezed my bum in passing (??) we then bathed the kids (during which while we were rinsing the kids off, he asked me about my journal and said that all those things I wrote were about him.. UHM DUUUH!! what a frikkin genius he is! who else would I be writing about? lol I told him that it was. than he was in thought and then asked me when the papers from legal zoom would be in and I told him within a week but that I'd paid extra to have them FEDEXd.
After we were done with the kids, we put them to bed and he thought I was going to stay up watching tv with him. instead, I went into my room and shut the door and watched TV on my own. (even though all of me wanted to run upstairs and have him hold me and protect me =*( ) I was ill with a sour stomach last night as well. I think it's my nerves.
I woke up this morning to him hovering over on my side of the bed. I felt/heard him come in and he was just watching me sleep. I then opened my eyes and saw him there but I didn't make eye contact. Instead I got up. I went to brush my teeth and he was dressed to go to the gym and said good morning to me and asked what was wrong. I told him I was fine but he kept asking so I told him I had a sour stomach but kept it at that. he then asked if he could get me something at the drug store (something he would rarely ask before; in fact he is more concerned with me alot more lately than he has been in a long time.)
I then went to tend to the kids and he said goodbye..
I've gotten myself up and gotten myself all primped and looking purty to make myself feel good.
now I am off to play with my kids before he gets back.
thanks again. it helps me tremendously to get this out and hear your thoughts.
am I overanalyzing his every move?
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
Now he is thinking you are serious, no more doormat. Feels good doesn't it? Nice touch telling him that you got the D papers FedExd.
Stop thinking about what his moves mean, focus on your moves. The next time he touches you tell him, "I don't want you to touch me. I don't want to give you the wrong idea."
Stay strong.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
One more thought... you do sound very emotional right now. When you are really emotional is not the time to make major decisions. There is no urgent rush to decide anything right now. Stop, breathe deeply, make yourself a cup of tea, let your emotions calm so you can THINK. Then you can start to strategize what to do next.
We call it the 48-Hour Rule: If it's a good idea now it will still be so in 48 hours. Then execute. Don't be rash, act out of emotion. Journal and vent, here. Try out ideas here, first. We'll give you the go-ahead or clunk you on your noggin with a 2x4 and tell you why!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Now he is thinking you are serious, no more doormat. Feels good doesn't it? Nice touch telling him that you got the D papers FedExd.
Stop thinking about what his moves mean, focus on your moves. The next time he touches you tell him, "I don't want you to touch me. I don't want to give you the wrong idea."
Stay strong.
Cheers
it really does! he also commented on how I "ran to my room" after putting the kids to bed and didn't watch tv with him the night before. so he def noticed that.
he told me that he has to go away on business and is leaving the 2nd of Dec. he told me that he won't have contact with the OW but he knows that I won't believe him regardless and he says that he doesn't blame me because if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't believe him either.
On a side note, it is CRUCIAL that he go on this trip. We were hit very hard this past year on a few bad business deals and we are literally close to losing EVERYTHING. We only paid our mortgages for this month and still haven't paid any of our other bills. it's very bad right now.
He thinks that I am doing the whole D thing because it'll make me feel better being that he is leaving for business. He also thinks I want him out of the house after Christmas. i don't get this. but he did ask if it would make me feel better getting a legal separation (not divorce) for when he goes away on business. it's like he doesn't want the divorce (he has turned the tables saying that this is something I want.
He and I went back and forth (still showing me A TON of resentment about how I rejected him). Anytime I tell him anything, he talks about how I wasn't there for him before or anytime he references anything I've done, it has to do with during that time and not the present. He also said that he wish I hadn't told my parents/sister about what happened because now their perception is skewed and one-sided (that they only see what HE did and not what I did). He wish I had gone to a counselor something to talk. (uhm, we have NO money for that!) When it's not the case at all. What I explained to him is that they know BOTH sides, I've made it clear to them, BUT they see it as that he had a choice but he never gave me one. They see what he did as far worse than what i did. He just doesn't get that.
In all honesty, I think that having it out in the open to the handful of people that know has helped the situation because he's humiliated and embarrassed by the situation. It's like if he was so proud of his actions, then why isn't he acting so proud now? instead, he feels like an ass!
He also went on to tell me that he needs to put our kids and the business (us making money) before anything else. That he cannot work on our marriage until we have our finances in order. because without finances in order, there is nothing because we will lose it all.
He says that he needs to keep mum about how he is feeling as far as discussing us because he's afraid of leading me on because in the past anytime he has said anything (towards wanting to work on us or have us together), I've put alot of pressure on him (I agree with him on that. I have done this). He says that continuing things as they are have been allowing us to enjoy each other and our kids without putting pressure on US. He wants to let things happen between us (almost like getting to know each other and developing feelings for me again) without putting pressure on anything. he says he just needs to clear his head.
i dunno..I will say that I do agree with him to a certain extent. I HAVE been a pain and hovering over him when he did want to work things out but now things are better and we get along better than we have in YEARS.. the only missing link is us sleeping in the same bed and obviously being intimate. he'll flirt and as I mentioned above, he'll reach out and touch me or whatever but that's the missing part.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
