I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[timehealsall]

SOOOOOOOO, apparently she sent him 3 messages on facebook reaching out to him.. and called me because she is going nuts that he told her he'd leave me and the kids for her and hasn't done so.. and that he had called her telling her he loved her...when i tried to get more info from her she hung up on me..

I just confronted him on this and he said she is crazy and said that she sent him emails mad that i was on his FB page as a friend and listed as his wife (is she nuts? I AM HIS WIFE!).. and that she was tired of his games and that she quit.. and he just ignored them because he can't be bothered. he said he hasn't called her either.. (I don't know what to believe.)

I am so done.. I am 32 years old.. not in HIGH SCHOOL!!!

He said that he is done with both of us and that he's not with me and not with her.. is he smoking something? this isn't high school.. we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend. we are married.. with houses, cars, kids and bills!

I just legal zoomed divorce papers.. I can't do this anymore.. i need this to set a timeline for myself. I feel like he is giving me no other option... I want to be happy and this isn't making me happy anymore..

can anyone give me some words of wisdom here? i'm losing it right now and I refuse to cry anymore over this jerk.. I want to save my tears for tears of happiness!

[rockedworld]

Well THA,
I'm still a newbie here myself so I'm not sure how much I can help...

But, I have read on other threads that some of the "wise ones" on this forum have discussed taking a strong stand like filing D papers when you reach a point like this. The thing is, filing doesn't make you D yet. There is still time. And, it gives H a strong message that you WILL NOT take this anymore. He then has choices to make. It puts the ball in his court, and it gives you a concrete way to take back your own life.

I can tell that you are a strong and amazing woman, and you have already put up with a lot! You need to remain strong for you and your kids.

If you are filing, just make sure it is not a bluff. You have to be willing to follow through.

One more thought... you do sound very emotional right now. When you are really emotional is not the time to make major decisions. There is no urgent rush to decide anything right now. Stop, breathe deeply, make yourself a cup of tea, let your emotions calm so you can THINK. Then you can start to strategize what to do next.

YOU WILL BE OK NO MATTER WHAT. Hang on to that.

[Coach]

Journal these conversations, take screen shots of FB and copy the phone records.

Let him know you are done. Go talk to a lawyer, learn your options. Tell him - "I won't share you with another woman. If you contact her again in anyway, I will pack your bags and put them out them in the garage. I want complete transparency, full access to your phone, e-mail and FB account. If you won't agree then you can I expect you to leave now."

You are going to be strong, confident and in control of yourself. The OW is going to self-destruct. You only control yourself and how you will let others treat you. You are not a victim you have choices in how you deal with it. You can handle it.

Cheers

[Ready2Change]

Journal these conversations, take screen shots of FB and copy the phone records.

Let him know you are done. Go talk to a lawyer, learn your options. Tell him - "I won't share you with another woman. If you contact her again in anyway, I will pack your bags and put them out them in the garage. I want complete transparency, full access to your phone, e-mail and FB account. If you won't agree then I expect you to leave now."

You are going to be strong, confident and in control of yourself. The OW is going to self-destruct. You only control yourself and how you will let others treat you. You are not a victim you have choices in how you deal with it. You can handle it.

Coach is a wise man. Read his words again.

[timehealsall]

Journal these conversations, take screen shots of FB and copy the phone records.

Let him know you are done. Go talk to a lawyer, learn your options. Tell him - "I won't share you with another woman. If you contact her again in anyway, I will pack your bags and put them out them in the garage. I want complete transparency, full access to your phone, e-mail and FB account. If you won't agree then I expect you to leave now."

You are going to be strong, confident and in control of yourself. The OW is going to self-destruct. You only control yourself and how you will let others treat you. You are not a victim you have choices in how you deal with it. You can handle it.

Coach is a wise man. Read his words again.

Technically, I have full access to everything. That's why he calls me matlock..

I am just done with all of this. I really am. She is already self destructing by the sounds of it. she is getting nasty and all her recent messages are calling him a liar and telling him he was the biggest mistake of her life and that she is done with him.

We shall see what happens. he should be home shortly with the kiddies. I am not even going to talk to him about this.. let him rot and think whatever he wants. I'll talk to him when I decide to. He's been enjoying this whole having 2 woman falling at his feet for too long.

I've been too vulnerable and too patient. he's used me as a doormat. And as I type this, I'm not crying or shaking.. I'm actually calm and am OK. I'm sure this is just an upswing on the rollercoaster ride, but I just have to believe that I WILL be okay.

Thank you all once again. Your words mean more than you will every know.

xoxo

[timehealsall]

Journal these conversations, take screen shots of FB and copy the phone records.

Let him know you are done. Go talk to a lawyer, learn your options. Tell him - "I won't share you with another woman. If you contact her again in anyway, I will pack your bags and put them out them in the garage. I want complete transparency, full access to your phone, e-mail and FB account. If you won't agree then you can I expect you to leave now."

You are going to be strong, confident and in control of yourself. The OW is going to self-destruct. You only control yourself and how you will let others treat you. You are not a victim you have choices in how you deal with it. You can handle it.

Cheers

Coach, my H is the type that won't do something because I TOLD him to.

He has told me he DOESN'T WANT me and isn't in love with me anymore. By telling him to leave, he will do just that. My kids are what is holding me back. I can't do this to them with the holidays here. I live 2000 miles away from my family.

[Ready2Change]

OK, Turning OFF my man side for a minute:

SOOOOOOOO, apparently she sent him 3 messages on facebook reaching out to him.. and called me because she is going nuts that he told her he'd leave me and the kids for her and hasn't done so.. and that he had called her telling her he loved her...when i tried to get more info from her she hung up on me..

I am so sorry. I know this is all crazy. I know it hurts. HUGS

I just confronted him on this and he said she is crazy and said that she sent him emails mad that i was on his FB page as a friend and listed as his wife (is she nuts? I AM HIS WIFE!).. and that she was tired of his games and that she quit.. and he just ignored them because he can't be bothered. he said he hasn't called her either.. (I don't know what to believe.)

I know it is confusing. Sorry you are going through this.

I am so done.. I am 32 years old.. not in HIGH SCHOOL!!! He said that he is done with both of us and that he's not with me and not with her.. is he smoking something? this isn't high school.. we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend. we are married.. with houses, cars, kids and bills!

It sounds like you are frustrated. We understand.

I just legal zoomed divorce papers.. I can't do this anymore.. i need this to set a timeline for myself. I feel like he is giving me no other option... I want to be happy and this isn't making me happy anymore..

Sounds like a good idea.

can anyone give me some words of wisdom here? i'm losing it right now and I refuse to cry anymore over this jerk.. I want to save my tears for tears of happiness!

I am sorry about the tears. It is hard when things don't go the way we would like.

Words of wisdom: Take your focus off of M,R and H. Focus on areas of your life that make you happy. I did the hard work to stay focused on the present, myself, and the well being of my kids. I found happy by focusing on HAPPY. I found happy by focusing on things I enjoy and not on things that were not making me happy. My happiness comes from within. I pass out what I want to receive.

I wish you well during this difficult time of you life. Just remember that everything will be OK no matter what H chooses. You are special and deserve happiness. Take responsibility for your own happiness and let go of H to find his.

HUGS

[Coach]

he's used me as a doormat.

"You stop being a doormat when you get up off the floor" - I can't quote who said that but it' a good one.


Boundaries will keep your sanity and self-respect.

[Coach]

By telling him to leave, he will do just that. My kids are what is holding me back. I can't do this to them with the holidays here. I live 2000 miles away from my family.

You aren't telling him to leave, you are giving him a choice. Either be married or have a OW but cake-eating won't fly with this chick. You aren't doing this to your kids, your husband is. Don't take responsibility for his problems.

[timehealsall]

By telling him to leave, he will do just that. My kids are what is holding me back. I can't do this to them with the holidays here. I live 2000 miles away from my family.

You aren't telling him to leave, you are giving him a choice. Either be married or have a OW but cake-eating won't fly with this chick. You aren't doing this to your kids, your husband is. Don't take responsibility for his problems.

You're right.. He is the product of a very dysfunctional family with 2 parents who HATED each other. Remember the movie War of the Roses? that's them.
So anytime I do anything like that, he calls me by his mother's first name.

You're right.. he DID do this.

He keeps throwing things back in my face about how I rejected him and that we got here because of ME.. that if I had showed him more love and not shut him out, he never would have gone outside the marriage.

I told him that he needs to let go of that resentment towards me.. because like it or not, we need to have some sort of relationship for these kids and he can't go on like that. But he doesn't get it.