I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[Ready2Change]

What you've told me is what I've read that I SHOULD do but it's hard for me because it doesn't feel right.

Everything you need to do is COUNTER INTUITIVE and goes against YOUR natural instinct.

I'm sure many understand how that feels.

We all know how that feels. That is why we are here supporting you now. You have a choice to continue doing what IS NOT WORKING, or change and do THE RIGHT THING that feels uncomfortable.

Anyone on the outside looking in would think things are fine and we're just one happy family.

Are you happy? It is very important to do things that make make YOU happy. There is a great story about owning your own happiness in this book:
The Mastery of Love
I highly recommend reading it.

I ignored him ... and he squeezed the back of my neck and stroked my hair.

Did ignoring him work?!!?!?!? Keep doing more of what works! Rejecting him. Works. It is counter intuitive.

I just don't get it....but I just don't understand it.

That is why you need to listen to us UNTIL you GET IT.

Make positive changes in YOU without focusing on H.

People want what they can't have. Look at yourself. What do you want? You want the man who rejected you. Reject him. He will want you. Move away from him.


Become the new sexy YOU. Put yourself out there and enjoy attention from Men. Keep your boundaries. If it feels uncomfortable, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

[timehealsall]

Thank you so much. I need to read what you all write. it motivates me.

I have continued ignoring him and he's being extremely nice to me. even at the gym, he's been going in the morning like I usually do and he'll come over and want to work out with me and I'll see him looking for me. I just need to keep it up.

He confronted me about our situation the other night to ask me for his passport that I had taken from him in an argument. Apparently, he will need to go back overseas (where OW lives) for business (i knew this was coming from a few things he had been working on and had discussed with me prior). I'm literally SICK to my stomach. I know he won't go there without contacting her and I'm beginning to believe that this is why he implemented the whole "friend" thing so that if he did end up doing something, I couldn't accuse him of leading me on. It took all of me to get up and give it to him but i realized that I cannot keep him hostage like that. And I need to show him that I will survive.

I am starting to believe, and please shed some light if you have any thoughts on this, or if perhaps I'm losing it, that this whole "friend" thing was centered around his having to go back there (giving him a pass to continue having contact with the OW). like that by being "friends" he can go and be with her and I can't say that he was leading me on b/c we're "friends" and he made clear about how he feels about me.

I remained strong throughout our convo and then he tells me to just relax and let things happen. what does that mean? it's a different tune from his wanting to get divorced. (not that I'm unhappy about it, but rather that I feel like he's cake eating?) he said that he needs time to clear his head (which I agree).

Sorry if I'm rambling. As always, my thoughts are all over..

and ready2change, I want to be happy so BAD! Leona Lewis' song Happy is my new inspirational song.. I find myself not being AS sad as I was before. I just need to control what I allow myself to think about. I quickly try to change stations in my mind from thoughts of the OW, D and memories of what we once were to rather thoughts of my kids and other happy thoughts.

[timehealsall]

lastly, with doing the 180, how do i handle the fact that he works out of the house and I often help him with projects? we have a big campaign we are working on and I have been a big asset to this. I am trying to just keep it business.. is that the right approach?

also, he's been joking around with me calling me matlock (lol) because I find out about everything. I thought that was funny but it's true! lol

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You need to get strong enough to set and enforce boundaries concerning the OW.

Have you done this?

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I remained strong throughout our convo and then he tells me to just relax and let things happen. what does that mean?

I don't know, but to be honest, it REALLY creeped me out. Like made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

fwiw.

Puppy

[timehealsall]

You need to get strong enough to set and enforce boundaries concerning the OW.

Have you done this?

Puppy

I have.. this has been THE problem..I will work through our marriage and try my hardest to do what it takes but I will NOT have another person in this marriage. it's like he was/is addicted to this girl. he will tell me that he would end things with her but then I'd find out that he'd emailed or IMd her.. he doesn't get that in order for us to move forward and salvage anything, he needs to have ZERO contact with her. I know he has feelings for her (he's admitted it) and I know they can't go away in a day but how can he work on us if he still has feelings for her? So far (as far as I know based on computer records/cell phone records) there has been none.. but who knows what'll happen when he goes away.

Also, we had had a falling out with his family right before we moved here and hadn't spoken to them. This hit us big time because we are very close to both of our families. he has said to me that not having his family around created an even bigger wedge between us because before, he always had them to fill that missing void... but now he is starting to patch things up with them (which I'm happy about).. so I don't know if they will be enough to keep him away from her.

[timehealsall]

I remained strong throughout our convo and then he tells me to just relax and let things happen. what does that mean?

I don't know, but to be honest, it REALLY creeped me out. Like made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

fwiw.

Puppy

I think he means that before anytime we'd say we'd work things out, I'd hover and bother him all the time and we'd argue. since we're now friends, i've become stronger (on the outside) and we've been able to enjoy ourselves without arguing... and he's been able to gather his thoughts? what do I know..

[Ready2Change]

and ready2change, I want to be happy so BAD! ...I find myself not being AS sad as I was before. I just need to control what I allow myself to think about...thoughts of my kids and other happy thoughts.

The key for my happiness is living in the present. When my brain diverts my attention to the past, then I can be tricked to feel other than happy. When I realize this,I say STOP in my head and refocus on the present. I can also intentionally thing of Past positive experiences and jump start the happiness. Feelings follow thoughts. Dwell on the negatives and guess what....

I enjoy being alive "Right now". I wake up, and ejoy a few deep breaths. I enjoy the feeling of my sheets. I enjoy the feeling of the hot water in the shower. All day long I enjoy what I am detecting with my senses. This keeps me in a "Happy state".

It is our choice to be content in the present.

Do things that make YOU happy.
DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY.
Do things that make you HAPPY.

Enjoy life right now.

[rockedworld]

Hi (((THA)))

So sorry you are here, but welcome. You are among friends who understand.
It sounds to me like you are still really motivated by fear... you are fearful that if you respond one way, say something, etc. it will provoke a response in your H that will set back your progress.
I can't say this strongly enough.... YOU NEED TO CONQUER THE FEAR!
I know this is not easy, I still battle it every day in my sitch. But, one thing I have learned is when I stopped letting fear control me, and I took back control of my own life, I started to find the strength I needed to make the choices I needed to make. That is when I could take a stand, stay calm, and assertively communicate a boundary. When the fear was in charge, I couldn't have a convo with my H without falling apart, being pathetic, crying, etc.

If you haven't already, read BobbiJo's thread on "Rock the Freakin' Boat Already!" It addresses this really well. What we fear, our WAS are often ALREADY DOING! So, why not rock the boat?

Figure out what you are afraid of... maybe even write it down in a journal, and then tell yourself why you don't need to be afraid of that.

eg. "I am afraid of losing my H"
answer: In many ways, I already have... so what do I have to lose?

or: "I am afraid of pushing him closer to OW"
answer: He already turns to her regardless of what I do, so what have I got to lose?"

Do NOT let fear rule you! Take charge THA! Then take a calm, loving stand, communicate that and stand your ground. GAL, do 180's and focus on you and the kids. THAT will get his attention!

Take care.... and keep coming back here for support!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You need to get strong enough to set and enforce boundaries concerning the OW.

Have you done this?

Puppy

I have.. this has been THE problem..I will work through our marriage and try my hardest to do what it takes but I will NOT have another person in this marriage. it's like he was/is addicted to this girl. he will tell me that he would end things with her but then I'd find out that he'd emailed or IMd her..

And what were the consequences of that violation of your boundary?

Puppy