Urgent Need Advice please!!

[Inaspin]

For any body who can gove me advice my sitch is below.

My W agreed to got MC. We have only been for 1 session. this morning she told me that she has made her decision and that she wants out, but she is prepaired to go to MC as we may be able to learn to comunicate better and it will help with our S if we divorce.

I said I did not see the point of going to MC as it will cost allot of money and we will need all the spare cash we can get if we are going to separate and the point of MC is to try and find a way to heal our marriage, she said she would go, her feelings were her feelings and she does not think MC will change them. She has done all she can and does not feel like giving it another shot.

She is still prepaired to go MC, should we go, her heart is not in it and she is making it very clear that she is only going to MC becasue I want it. I am not sure what to do so any input will be greatly appreciated. Should i still say lets go to the MC or should I tell her that I will respect her decision and let her go? I am scared of both!

[Forrest Gump]

"My W agreed to get MC"

"We have only been for 1 session!"

"This morning she told me that she has made her decision and that she wants out."

"She is prepared to go to MC as "we" may be able to learn to "communicate" better and it will help with our S "if" we divorce.

To help you some I restated what you said. I corrected some things. Spelling was one of the things. The biggest things I changed was where I placed the "emphasis". When I write things here I use "" for words you need to define. I want you to "define" them because it lets me "see". Yes.. I am crazy. Read what I re-posted and pay attention to the punctuation. Answer the questions that are in there.

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"I said I did not see the point of going to MC as it will cost allot of money and we will need all the spare cash we can get if we are going to separate and the point of MC is to try and find a way to heal our marriage, she said she would go, her feelings were her feelings and she does not think MC will change them. She has done all she can and does not feel like giving it another shot."

To be honest that is one really long sentence. Yet in that really long sentence you summed up what the issues are. I want you to post.. I want you to think. I am hitting you hard right from the start. What is my issue with what you just said?

"She is still prepared to go MC"

"should we go?"

The question is.. are you prepared to go? How much steamrolling can you take?

"Her heart is not in it."

To a point yours is not either.

"I am scared of both!"

Fear.. leads us all astray. Fear is the result of not knowing the outcome. If you react to the fear.. things can go really bad.

What is it your "fear".

I would like to see you give your best "emotional" response to that question. Just spew it out on the page my friend. You never know what might happen.

I have been in your shoes and I know why you are posting. Now you just need to catch me up.

[Walking]

Should i still say lets go to the MC or should I tell her that I will respect her decision and let her go? I am scared of both!

Why are you scared of going to MC?

If you want to save your marriage - you are going to have to do the work, and that should include some type of marriage counselling.

Think about the message you gave her when you said you don't see the point of going because it will cost a lot of money. You told her you consider money more important than your marriage. Not a good signal my friend.

[Inaspin]

Hi FG

Thanks for fixing the spelling, was in a state this morning.

My emotions are all over the place at this moment. Like you said my fear is of the unknown.

She has said this morning that she is only going to MC because I want to and to respect my wishes.

I guess the question is, is that good enough for me? That is where my emotions go for a ball.

On the one hand I want to go and see that maybe there is something that could happen that could help.

On the other hand I feel like I am delaying the inevitable from happening.

I have said to her that I only want to go to MC if she will shelve the decisions to leave until after the 12 sessions recommended by our MC and follow through on any work we are given.

I realize now that it is not possible for her to do that and that my request is trying to manipulate her into something she does no want to do.

My thought at the moment is to open the cage. I want to say that I love her and will not stand in her way and that if she truly feels like she does not want to try then I will not ask her to . I WILL respect her decision as hard as that will be.

I personally cannot take much more of this. I know I need to move forward either way, but that fear has paralyzed me.

The more I look at it, it is not so much the fear of losing my W anymore, it is the fear of losing my S.

I know I will not lose him and he will always be a part of my life, but it does shatter allot of my dreams I had.

My W will want to live an hours drive from where I will have to stay. She says we will have joint custody and that she will not keep him from me, it will be very hard logistically.

I think the time has come for me to ACCEPT! I just wish I knew how

[Inaspin]

Hi Walking

Probably no the best thing to say, I know.

I know that work needs to be done, and I am prepared to do the work. My problem is that she says she is not prepared to do the work and that she is only going to MC because I want to.

I realize now that I need to make the decision whether that is good enough for now?

[praying_in_GA]

Inaspin - you sound a lot like I did my first few days here...confused. Try to take some time and figure out where you are and where you want to be. You need to decide how hard you want to work for this.

[Inaspin]

Ok well just spoke to W

I suggested we go to MC and see where the process takes us. I said that I accept the way she feels and realize that I cannot say anything to change that. She agreed to keep going.

I am going to a Christian councilor tomorrow. I need to really sort my head out. I do not feel very strong or like I can cope at the moment.

I just hope I can detach now, I want to but I am really battling to get it right.

[pitinmygut]

"The more I look at it, it is not so much the fear of losing my W anymore, it is the fear of losing my S.

I know I will not lose him and he will always be a part of my life, but it does shatter allot of my dreams I had.

My W will want to live an hours drive from where I will have to stay. She says we will have joint custody and that she will not keep him from me, it will be very hard logistically."


Above, is the HARDEST thing I am trying to cope with right now also. My W has moved an hour away from me already and now I get to see my S on the weekends ONLY due to my current employment situation. I feel like a lot of my dreams (with my son) have been shattered....ie: participating in his weekly sporting activities and any other activities that he may partake in during the week.....it is VERY disheartening for me.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. It is disheartening. But that is your life today. That doesn't mean it'll be your life six months from now.

If your M doesn't make it, there may be chances to move closer, and perhaps you could fight for joint physical custody eventually.

[pitinmygut]

True CTH, but both scenarios you state above are 99% unrealistic due to the logistics of my sitch.