New, my story

[Inaspin]

I am new hear.

I live in South Africa and have been married to my wife for 9 years, together for 14. We have a son of 2 years 8 months. me 30, W 31

2 weeks ago my w told me she did not see a path for us together anymore and that she loved me but not like she used to. She has done all she can and our differences are just to great.

We have had many problems over the years including drug, sex and infidelity from my side, I know we married to young (me 20 she 21) but for the last 6 years we have been stable. We had child and it felt as things were going to be happy ever after.

About 1 1/2 years ago we started to have problems again, I smoked marijuana and she "accepted it" she drank to much and became over weight after the pregnancy. Our sex life witch was never great disappeared. She met people through her work and started to go to kinesiology classes. I joined her but felt that they were trying to help our sexual problems and thought that this was not right and it felt to me like it was making it worse and stopped going. She continued and is now studying to be a kinesiolegist.

She has lost allot of weight and is exercising allot more now. She is allot more confident and I am very proud of this. She is also trying to get her own business off the ground again.

I never stopped trying. I stopped smoking marijuana 4 months ago. I have always tried to help her with our son, changing nappies, bathing etc. I play football on Thursdays and stopped coming home late on this night. Up until a month ago she was also still drinking regularly. I had made the decision to stop drinking all together before the bomb dropped as I felt this was the crux of all my problems. I was always determined to try and change but I have never been very good at following through on things I set out to do.

I was under allot of stress at work and we would both have a few drinks after work at night, but nothing to hectic. About a month ago I stayed late at football and drank to much, When I got home we had a huge fight and I told her I had done nothing wrong and that I was just blowing off some steam because I was under stress @ work. after that she was very distant to me until the "BOMB" dropped.

So this is 2 weeks later, I did everything that you are not supposed to do, I said what about our son, don't throw it away, I can change! please give me a chance to show you, and everything else you do when you are told the one you love does not love you anymore.

I have done some serious soul searching over the last couple of weeks, and realised that I don't like myself the way I was so how could my wife have loved me. I am really working on me and for the first time in my life I feel the beginning of a connection with GOD. (another thing that was a problem for her as she had always had faith) I don't want to tell her to much about this as I think she will think I am just saying that I believe in GOD to get her back.

I have backed off for a week now, my w still says "I love you" when I say it to her and still calls me "babe" she gives me a kiss when I leave or come home from work but that is the only contact we have. She is very cold towards me and does not phone or make contact at all like she used to.

The last thing she said about our marriage was she is going to let me try but it is not going to come from her and she feels at the moment that there is no way to save our marriage, but she did say she believes in miracles, so boy am I praying for one. I know I that once I have made peace with my self I will be a much better person, I only hope she will find it in here heart to let me in to it because I am sure together we could finally reach those heights she always dreamed of.

I love my son and here more than life and cannot think about a day without them in my life.

I am starting to work on myself every day, I just hope it's not to late.

[Inaspin]

Ok so this is 5 days after my first post. I have started to take a step back and have not spoke about our relationship problems. I am really trying to work on myself for myself, but I do worry that she only see's it as act to win her back.

I am working out, have not had a drink in 3 weeks and am feeling much better physically.

On Tuesday I did say to her that I respect how she feels but she does not have to treat me like [censored], as she had been very cold and rude to me. she said she is not trying to be like that and that was the last of the conversation. Not sure if this was the best thing to do, but can't go back and change it so just have to try harder not to react again.

There are days when my W seems warmer to me and we talk about our days etc. She even gave me a warm kiss on Wednesday evening and said "I love you" before we went to bed, but then the next day she was as cold as ice to me. I must also accept that it is only 1 week since I've started to implement changes and that "miracle" is going to take allot longer than that!

She is on a very spiritual journey at the moment and is very close to her kinesiology counselor and teacher. I do worry that he is validating her decision that she does not want to try and save our marriage. She really looks up to him and I feel he is telling her to be strong and stick to her decision.

I am having huge difficulty switching off my mind. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place, One minute I'm confidant, the next sad, emotional etc. and am having huge difficulty concentrating at work.

Patience is not my strongest quality, and it is taking a complete re-wiring of my mind to install this, but I know it is the only way, I will need to focus more and more and take each day at a time.

My relationship with my son is stronger than ever and I thank god for this. I have continued to pray and am feeling a presence in my life like never before.

I have ordered Mort Fertels "Marriage Fitness" audio program (I did this just after the "Bomb") but am a little afraid it may be a little to soon for this, anybody have any advice if I should try this or not.

I pray each day that she will open her heart to me again as I'm sure that if given he chance I will heal all the hurt I've caused over the years an Wright a new ending to this story.

[dolphin_05]

Hi Spin,

Welcome to the boards. I'm sure the posters here will help you immensely as you try to sort out this difficult life stage.

You've done very well over the past five days and your connection to God, working out and not drinking are HUGE life changes.

The journey we are on is so often referred to as a rollercoaster and you can already see this with your wife's warm, warmer, cool, cooler behaviour. She is probably really confused, especially as she sees the beginnings of change in you. She doesn't trust the change though, so you have to be consistent and keep at it eventhough it may not get the response from your w that you were hoping for.

You were right in your assessment of Tuesday....don't react. She's in a 'fog' at the moment and you don't need to chase her into the fog, rather you need to be the lighthouse. Be exemplary in your behaviour and notice the positives and ignore the negatives. The 5 Love languages gives a good story about that.

There's loads to be learned here on the board so read, read and read. You'll find wonderful support and help right here.

Don't forget to read and re-read Divorce Remedy, too!

All the best Spin. Catch you soon

Cas

[Inaspin]

Thanks Cas

Thanks for your words

I have already taken great heart from this board and the people on it.

For the first time I am really starting to get stuck into sorting myself out. When my W dropped the "BOMB" one of my first arguments was that I had been trying so hard to fix things etc. etc. But realise now that was all bull, and that although certain behaviors had changed, I had always been pushing her further and further away.

I am ordering DR today, it will take about a month to get me in South Africa, but for that time I gonna read the board and keep on keeping on.

[dolphin_05]

Spin, you might also try the library to see if you can get a copy there in the meantime

[Super Girl]

Sorry you have to be here, Spin. Keep reading and hang in there. You will feel better soon.

[SillyOldBear]

Do you have access to people who could help you, such as an Alcoholics Anonymous chapter nearby? Even if you live out in the sticks somewhere, you might be surprised. I highly recommend it. Bring other people in and let them help you!

Your mention of kinesiology worried me a bit. Is this "kinesiology" as in working sore joints, sort of sports medicine light, or is this "Applied Kinesiology" where you test muscles to diagnose allergies and other internal medical issues? If the former, it's fluffy but real, and maybe having an interest will help her. If the latter, it's a scam on par with homeopathy or astrology, and the deeper she gets involved in it the more she's going to get hurt when she realizes what it really is.
Quackwatch on Applied Kinesiology

The woo-woo kind of kinesiology is also called "Special Kinesiology" or "Energy Kinesiology." Don't be fooled by the scientific "-ology" name. It's no different than astrology in that respect, riding the coattails of the real science.

Now, is it a good idea for you to bring all this up to her? Maybe not, at the moment. But it's good for you to know what's going on. If she's involved in Applied Kinesiology and she's studying to be an AK professional herself, someone is taking her money and playing her for a fool. She's not going to be happy about that! If you're not comfortable being the one who punctures that balloon (I don't blame you) maybe someone else could do it.

[Inaspin]

It is the applied kind, and the teacher is also like a life coach, since she has met him things started to change between us. I went for a few sessions with him, but when he started to give me advice on our sexual relationship, I pulled away as I did not feel this was his place.

She continued with it and it is now a huge part of her life, she asks him to "test" everything, from where our son goes to school, to how long her Grandfather had to live. I read on his profile on the web that he helps people make important life decisions including relationships, so I wonder what "tests" he has done on me and our relationship.

It is really driven a wedge between us, and although she says he has never said she must leave me, I feel it is a big part of where she is.

Telling her it’s a quack would probably be the worst thing I could do, as she keeps telling me how I did not trust the process etc. so for now, it's good to know my feelings about it were not that far off.

I just hope that the changes I am making, therapy and time will at least get her to start thinking about just giving us another chance.

[Heartbroken20]

Inaspin - Your W's AK sounds a lot like my WAW's Reiki and Healing Touch aspirations. My W gets a lot of "guidance" from angels, animals, tarot cards, astrology and even God himself (he told her she needed to leave me, that's primarily why she finally decided to divorce me).

Her Reiki and Healing Touch "certification" has cost us thousands of dollars and she can now "see" the energy fields around people and knows when they will get sick or have health issues. No wonder, as her main mentor is Christel Nani (who also told her if she did not get away from my "negative energy" soon she would likely die within a couple of years). So now our divorce is a matter of life or death and "she wants to be around for her children".

My W also helps people "pass" and transition into the light. Unfortunately, that whole crowd is constantly reinforcing each other with how amazing their "powers" are that they eventually truly believe their own BS.

I have tried to be open minded and understanding and all that, but she is beyond all sense of reality now and has become a quack herself. A good-hearted quack for the most part, but a quack nonetheless.

Anyway, sorry you are here but wanted to know that there are others here dealing with similar MLC issues. Trust your instincts, if it sounds bogus, it probably is so don't get sucked up into their skewed view of the world.

Hang tough.

[Inaspin]

@HB20 My W is also into Angels and cards etc. Her kinesiologest also puts a big spin on God in what he does, so i just hope the fog will lift and she can see that she does not need me out of her life to be happy, because all that Ihave seen is that she is throwing out all the old things from the house, and I feel like one of things being dumped in the trash.

I need to stop getting so upset by this now and accept the situation as it is, I will only make it worse if I continue the way I have.

I am detaching today, will see how MC goes on Monday and go on from there.

good to know i'm not the only one with these problems.