K4D Rising #4

[C-Bart]

That, IMHO, is a great letter that should never be read by anyone other than the folks on this board.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I agree with C-Bart. Though I'd leave out the part about it being ALL your fault. That's never the case.

I don't think I'd give it to her. But show her. Show your kids. Show yourself. Live up to everyting you said in that letter, and you will be a better man than you were yesterday.

[Steve McQueen]

I taught you were standing for your marriage come hell or high water. what happened that made you want to walk away?

[C-Bart]

I don't think I'd give it to her. But show her. Show your kids. Show yourself. Live up to everything you said in that letter, and you will be a better man than you were yesterday.

Exactly! Put the letter in a drawer and pull it out once a month, once or week or whenever you need to remind yourself why you are working so hard to be better person. Pull it out in a year to see how far you have come. This is a historical document not a blueprint.

BTW...you don't make you self stronger by beating yourself up. You are a good person, flawed like everyone else, but a good person.

[K4D]

I taught you were standing for your marriage come hell or high water. what happened that made you want to walk away?

I am standing for my M. I didn't say I was going off with someone else. I am just not interferring anymore and I have come to realize that there is just so much work to be done on me that the best thing for W to do was leave the situation.

At a later time, if I ever get to the point where I have truly changed myself and proved myself, maybe W will rethink about things down the road. Maybe she won't. But I have not made things better by the things I have thought, said and done. If there is ever a chance for us to get back together down the road, this has to happen.

Kevin

[ugetvince]

Kevin,
Im new to this so I dont know how much my words mean. Its like evrything you said is excatly how I feel. Im only 4 weeks into my wife leaving to go stay with her parents. Is the letter meant to scare her into coming back or is this just something you want to get of your chest?

[K4D]

ugetvince,

The letter is meant to acknowledge and validate what she has said. There is nothing manipulative or controllling in it. The only purpose is to say that I agree with her and then move forward with my work on continuing to change me regardless of the outcome.

Kevin

[GoBison]

I did a lot of thinking last night and this morning. I'm still in a lot of pain from what I did and said and what my W said and is doing.

But I finally realized that I have a lot of work that I have to do on myself that I cannot just get through faith. I have to make real changes and get help making those changes in who I am as an overall person.

I see this now. Its not enough to just have faith. You have to put work into changing you also. It was a hard realization to come to. I didn't want to admit that I couldn't do it alone. But I can't. I don't have the tools to do it alone.

I am handing my M and W over to God and I am putting my feet forward in getting the help that I need for myself. I know that until I do, nothing will ever change between me and W. It also hurts knowing I am back to square one. But that is the reality of the damage I did this weekend. 11 months if there was even any progress made was just wiped out by me not being smarter and realizing I have issues that have to be worked on.

Today is going to be a hard day as I continue to self analyze things and look in the direction I have to go without my W being by my side.

Kevin

Kevin this is from August. Don't send the letter to your W just do what you are saying and what you have been saying every week for the past several months. Leave her be work on yourself. Let her do what she needs to do on her part to get through this. She doesn't need you to set her free She is already free and on her own. Why would she need you to say ok now you can go? Seems like you are still trying to control her or think that you have control over her.

[C-Bart]

Don't send the letter. Nothing good will come of it.

If you want to apologize do it with actions not words.

[JTJ]

Kevin,

As an admited Controlling Abusive husband. I would hold onto your letter and work on fixing yourself. Right now you may not be in the best position to do everything you wrote on a consistent bases. Your W will call you on this and it will remind her of all the other times you promised to change and didn't. She may have heard this all before. All you are asking for is her to call you on everytime you revert back to the controlling, manipulative and verbally abusive behavior you've shown her. The letter is like putting a magnifying glass in your wife's hand to see you through. You need time to heal and as she see's you healing only then she will start healing and maybe you will have a chance with her down the road. If not your kids will still have the best dad in the world.

I admire your strength to admit here what you've done to your family and yourself.

How are you getting help to change your past behaviors? You can send me a message if you would like to talk. Good Luck and God Bless.