Got off work a bit early today, so I called to talk to the kids. Talked to the W a little too. She's really sick, doctor says she has the swine flu. I said "Wow, I sure picked a lousy week to go out of town!" In her new kind positive way she replies, sounding like death warmed over, "We're doing just fine, don't worry about us." She's so great like that now, so different than how she used to be. We chit chatted about a couple other things, then I said I had to go meet the guys for dinner. She lingered on the phone for another minute or two, then she said her throat hurts to talk so we said our goodbyes.
You know, I've been thinking about this. What do I miss about my W? I don't in any way miss many of the ways our M was. We were resentful toward each other. We had walls up everywhere. Every little issue between us just caused us to collapse in defeat one more little bit. My W herself was selfish, self absorbed, she showed me almost no appreciation and no affection. We were good together in some ways though. We shared some interests, like football, and we loved movies, and we love our kids. We genuinely like each other too. I think she is a great combination of intellect, humor, and fun. I always looked forward to getting her opinion on things I was going through at work, or on politics, or world affairs.
But really, what I've come to realize, is the biggest reason I want to be together with my W is because of who she is now. It's like all her best attributes have been amplified many times, and her bad attributes have significantly shrunk, or disappeared altogether. In many ways I feel like I'm courting someone entirely new, and I really like her. This gives me great hope that we can have a new, much better M.
Hi bluerain, no I haven't gotten a coach yet. Money is really tight right now. Maybe I should give it a try. I guess I've been hoping the collective wisdom on this board is as good as a DB coach!
My W called me tonight so the kids could talk to me. My youngest daughter was crying because she misses me. Had a nice talk with all the kids, then I told my W I was coming home a day early. She thought I would immediately expect to have the kids back when I got home, but I said "I know you might have made plans with them, so no big deal." She sounded off. She asks if she can call me later when she gets the kids to bed. I said sure.
So she calls a while later and explains how she has some plans already made with the kids for the weekend, since I wasn't supposed to be back until late Sunday night, but she offered for me to get them Sunday afternoon. I said thanks. I notice she isn't sounding right, and it's not just her flu. I finally asked "Are you ok?" She starts crying and says "No." I asked "What's wrong?" She says "We'll talk about it when you get back."
So here we go. I don't know what's going on. Given that she's been texting and calling me while I've been away, I sure wasn't thinking she was going to tell me our M was over for good. The last time she acted like this was when OM and her had a big fallout and they "broke up", so my gut tells me she told OM it was over and she's in emotional crisis. I don't feel I should be very supportive of her as she goes through this, but what SHOULD I do?
Of course it's also possible she was crying because she decided we're done for good and she's so dreading telling me. Last year when she told me she was leaving me, she was strong as could be. No crying, no emotion, just facts. If that's where she's at, she's handling it different this time.
I decided I wasn't going to sit in my hotel room and worry all evening about it, so I went out with the guys to have some beers. Had a great time joking and laughing, and I really didn't worry about my W or M much. I actually feel kind of numb about it all.
Funny thinking about how my life hinges on what is waiting for me when I get back home. One thing is certain though. My kids love me. They miss me so much, and are so looking forward to seeing me. Felt great to get that from them over the phone.
Of course it's also possible she was crying because she decided we're done for good and she's so dreading telling me. Last year when she told me she was leaving me, she was strong as could be. No crying, no emotion, just facts. If that's where she's at, she's handling it different this time.
Could be good or bad. Try not to put many emotional eggs into this basket. I remember the last R talk we had -- perhaps the last ever before we D -- and I got the "I never loved you" statement again and she choked up a bit because I was "forcing" her to say it again.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I'm trying to just hang back and wait and see. I'm succeeding mostly. Been at this for a while, and I'm getting better at it.
During the last several R talks we've had, my W told me she still oves me, so I'd be surprised to get something like "I never loved you." We've had a great time lately, and she's been treating me with more affection than I've gotten in the past five years. She's also been giving me "Remember when..." stories about our past, good happy stories, including ones about sex.
Would be quite a 180 for her to drop the final bomb on me, but I'm so numb from this whole ride, I don't know what to expect.
Yes. I can't relate. My W is so cold towards me. It's as if she's trying to wipe away the past 13 years. I know it's standard operating procedure for a WAS, but it hurts nonetheless.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Hi future, I think that I would be really surprised to find out that she had dropped the bomb.
But that being said, try, try, try to stay a little detached! Stranger things have happened. And if she scares herself, she might pull-back (probably only temporarily) but just remember that this is part of a long, long process, that for you guys at least is heading in the right direction!
ClingingtoHope, it seems like your sitch is still fairly new, so its totally normal for your W to be acting like that. Give DBing time- it works on many, many levels.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I am managing to stay a little detached, but it's getting harder and harder. Got back from my trip. W told me she was crying on the phone because she took the kids to see "Where the Wild Things Are" and at the end when Max has to say goodbye to his friend our youngest daughter started wailing and crying out "Daddy, daddy!" Was tragically sad I guess. Strange thing is, she called right afterward to let my daughter talk to me. I'm so glad I was available to take that call. W was fine during that call. Then she called me back a couple hours later after kids were in bed and that's when she broke down and started crying, but wouldn't tell me why.
Before I left on my trip she told me she needs more time. I think that's a total cop out. She said she needs to see if we can stay like this, rather than go back to the way we were. I do understand that, but there won't be any more "we" if she doesn't completely end it with OM.
We just spent the night texting back and forth about the Sunday night game, initiated by her. I am almost positive she will finally take that last step toward me if she feels me going away. Is that what I'm going to have to do? Can't she project ahead just a little bit and see the two possibilities? Why is it so easy for me to feel the tragic loss if our M and family don't make it, and yet she seems so blind to it? Or is she just in denial?
