County fair has been and gone. I didn't make it because the weather turned SUPER HOT! I'm not ready to deal with that. Stupid global warming. Still fair season, though. Maybe I'll make it up to the big one this year.
One of my horoscopes this week read:
Quote:
Your heart may be demanding a great deal of attention today, and it is quite possible that you are looking to a close romantic partner to take on this task. Make sure you are being realistic in terms of your motivations for staying in a committed relationship. Remember that healthy relationships require that each person is completely whole in their singular state. Don't expect others to fill your voids. This reminder is coming to you from today's opposition between Neptune and Venus.
Good advice for all of us.
Friends, I think I'm done. I will post more about particulars this week after I speak to DB coach Chuck on Monday, but H has passed a line that I set a long time ago: He has told the staff at his school that he is Med to ow, that they live together, and that he is now dad to her daughters. He freely refers to me as XW. I believe that he is severely mentally ill, much more than MLC, and he may be abusing Oycontin. That's it for me, I think. I told him a long time ago (and myself)that the end for me would be if he lived with ow. The lies to the colleagues are the icing on the cake. I believe that he is delusional. I can't make the Pieces match up to make a complete picture. He continues to contact me on his own, albeit rarely. We have ML this summer during that time that he was supposedly "Med" to ow. He is lying to me, to ow, to his family, to his coworkers. I don't think it's healthy for me to hang on any longer. He is much less than whole, and I can't be whole for both of us.
That's even more than I intended to post--too many glasses of wine. Please keep us both in your thoughts. I love him, but I can't do this any more. I 'll try to give a more complete picture after I talk to Chuck--and when I'm sober!
Be well, brave ones. Light a candle for me--I need your strength.
I actually do have a candle lit right now. It's cool and rainy and the wet dogs are in the house with me.
Your H has likely started thinking the life he is living with ow is a real life. Didn't he start some D paperwork? maybe he isn't smart enough to know he screwed it up!
I hope you'll be back soon to post an update, it's Tuesday now already.
(((amd)))
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
LB: thanks! I am plenty strong. I guess it's a matter of seeing the hard stuff through to the end.
WCW: Yes, he did file D paperwork 2 years ago. Turns out that he forged my name on it too--can anyone say federal crime? Major screw up.
UPDATE Part 1:
I meant to post way before this. Isn't it funny how life rages on while we deal with one part of it all? I had an awesome convo with Chuck, and then some stuff happened with H. Then I got a terrible cold.
And then my 93-year-old grandfather went into hospice care and I flew to TX to be with him and the rest of my family. I got there just in time. He knew who I was and that I was there. He was able to talk with me briefly a couple of times--I mean like a few sentences. And then every day after that he was a little worse until I left at the end of the week and he was nonresponsive, semicomatose, really. I got home in the wee hours last Sunday morning, and he died Sunday night. This is the third family death for me in 3 years, and it is the one I feel the most at peace with, mostly because I knew it was coming and settled things before he died.
So now I'm back in my reality and I'm about to embrace a major stereotype and hire a private investigator. Here's what's been going on with me:
First, my session with Chuck. Awesome as always. He believes that I need to make an announcement: I understand where H is at, I know that he's moved and is telling people that he's remarried, and that I've made a decision to handle it and move forward. This may force H to be confronted with reality--it goes back to the core beliefs of the WAS that the LBS never changes, that he knows me completely.
He suggests writing a letter of release. This is beyond the Last Resort Technique, which I've been living for a while. This is a letter that I can hand to H or mail. Here's the outline: * begin with appreciation for the role that H has played in my life * tell him that I realize that we're in a place where I need more, I need a real husband * tell him that I release him and am moving on, that I'll be filing my own D papers, and that I'll contact him with legal and financial stuff as I work them out with my lawyer.
I told Chuck about the forged signatures, and he approves of me not signing the papers that H filed. He suggested saying in the letter something like, "The lock's been changed, keep the key as a souvenir." He says to talk with a lawyer before I give H the letter--it makes it harder to double back and slip back into old habits, e.g. staying in the limbo rut when H is sweet and charming. He cautioned me that H may come back super-repentant. This is a big problem because it's tempting to go back to an unhealthy cycle. I need to be prepared to be clear about what I need to see to reconcile, and I should not agree to anything right then, just say, "I don't know if you can make those kinds of changes, H, I'll think about it." H needs to be afraid that he's gone too far, and I need to be committed to going through with this. It's how I respect myself and call the shots now.
IF H has some kind of epiphany, I must make him win me. He needs to learn/remember what it means to be loving. He needs to show sacrificial love, the kind that costs you with no guarantees that you'll be successful--in other words, the unconditional love that I've been giving these 4 years. H needs to discover his depth; right now he doesn't know if he has any because he's never tested it.
He says to be prepared for a response that's different than what I expect, to be PATIENT, and to make him win me.
His prediction is that in 2-3 years, I will be fine and H will be a mess. I've shown integrity, dignity, and selfrespect, and I have dug deep and know myself. H hasn't had to do any of this work, and he will be lost.
So the day after I talked with Chuck, I made arrangements for my paycheck to go straight to my checking account instead of the one I share with H, and for the car payment to come out of my account as well. I had just finsihed and was pulling in the dreivay when H drove in right behind me. AAAGH! I didn't know how to behave. I forgot to talk to Chuck aobut htat piece! I couldn't tip my hand at all...so I was sweet and loving and kind like I always am. H came in and sat down and started telling me all about the fish he's been catching. He has fish for me, appanrently, and he's been cutting up the fillets to sizes that are easier for me to use, he says.
Then he said he almost called me in August when he went back home to see his family and started telling me about that whole saga. Why on earth would he want to call me when he's supposedly remarried and thrilled about it? I said if he had I would have just laughed about the whole thing(you know how it is with old family patterns), and he agreed and said he would actually have asked me what I thought he should do. CRAZY.
Then it became clear that he wanted to ML. I was torn. I decided to do it and enjoy it, and I DID. I felt very powerful and pleased with myself. That sounds really self-absorbed, but it felt more like I was finally calling the shots for myself.
That was the last time I saw H. It's been almost 4 weeks. I have spoken to him a couple of times, however.
Like on payday when he went into the checking account and saw that my check wasn't there and called me at work to find out why.
He NEVER checks the bank account, and I really didn't think he'd notice that I made that change. I realized quickly that he was actually worried that his check was being held up, and I told him that I was trying to be more respectful of his request to keep our money separate. I told him we could put it back the old way if he wanted, and he said no, he didn't care, he was concerned that he had screwed something up and that he might need to call payroll.
I also called him when I knew I was leaving town, and it took him 3 days to get back to me. He asked me to call him when I got in so he knew I was safe. He NEVER wants me to do that. I was anxious that he was taking stuff out of the house while I was gone, but I was wrong. I texted him a couple of times while I was there, and he responded.
I called when I got back and then again when I knew my grandfather had died. he texted me the next morning after I was already at work and then called me later in the day. He also had a "business" question, which I afraid meant more money stuff, but it turned out that one of my former students was trying to pass off bad writing as something I would have accepted and even encouraged him to do last year. We laughed about it.
And finally he called me this past Thursday to tell me he's going out of town hunting. Why would he want to tell me that? it's not like I'm pursuing him AT ALL.
And maybe that's the exact reason why he's telling me. Maybe.
The weekend after I spoke to Chuck, I went to see my tarot reader Virago. As I've said before, she's a former couples counselor, and that's mostly how we talk these days. I told her about the letter of release, thinking she'd approve because she gave me similar advice in June when H said he wanted to D, but I was wrong. She strongly encuraged me NOT to do this until I have more info. She asked if it's possible that H is renting the house from ow and that she isn't there at all. Of course that's possible. It doesn't explain why he'd say that he's remarried, but it's possible.
I also think that we can all safely say at this point that H is not well and that he is suffering from something beyond MLC. One FF who is a counselor and has a lot of experience with mental illness says H's behavior is in the top 5% of behaviors that indicate mental illness. Virago said she spoke with a friend who is a therapist, and she suggested something like multiple personality disorder.
It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?!
So Virago suggested a PI to get more info on H's living situation.
I also drove past his new place the other night. The garage door was open, and I saw his car and another car that I didn't recognize. I don't know what ow drives these days, and both her daughters are drving now as well. Part of me hopes that it does belong to her so I can just be done.
That car could also belong to a roommate. Part of me hopes that it does belong to someone like that so that I can...I don't know what. Just know, I guess.
This is why I need a PI. I can't spy, and I can't ask friends to spy. I want this piece of info before I proceed further. It doesn't change how H has treated me or how he has behaved, but I want this fact. I will probably still file even if he lives alone or with a roommate, but I will know the truth. In one of the meditations that I use from Wayne Dyer, he says, "I am strenghtened as I seek to make truth my personal reality." And we all know that truth sets you free.
OK, I think that's all that's been going on with me since my last post. I was out with FF the counselor on Friday night, and she said she admires that I approach this and speak of it with such a sense of adventure. I'd never thought of that before, but I guess I do, mostly because it's so unbelievable and nutty that I have to alternate crying with laughing.
Good night, dear friends. Be well. I have candles lit for all of us and toast our efforts daily.
Wow, when you update you do it big! There's been a lot going on in your life!
I would do things different than what you are but you've got plenty of people telling you enough already.
You've been living your life physically without your H for so many years, have you thought about the reasons you would want to keep him or have him back?
Just like me, you've been reluctant to break any final ties with your H or make moves to really disconnect. Your H needs some major doses of reality!
Take care of you. (((amd)))
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I have thought about those reasons to have him back. I guess there's still a part of me that believes that we could reconcile. It's hard to face a final decision like D; I'm not afraid to do it--I just don't want to. Does that make sense?
What I really want is to be happy...and I'm not happy. I keep hoping we can be happy together, but he's not willing to put in the work to make that happen.
I understand that you believe and hope, and don't WANT to file. I 100% get that!
The one single thing that I think made the biggest difference in my sitch is that I told H that if he moved out and left then I would not let him back. H always figured we'd be friends and he could come and go as he pleased and still help me around here. I said no. When you drive out the driveway take a good look because you won't see it again. Now to clarify, in H's typical style, he stretched that as far as he possibly could. Even to the extent of he had his own secret place including utilities in his name that I did not know about, but he was always at home each night.
amd, your H has had free rein and you've always showed unconditional love. That's all great, but you haven't had many boundaries. Where is the reality check for your H? IMO, you need shock and awe - with love. Does that make sense?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Yes, it does. I went with this plan based on how I read DB and on Chuck's advice. I did tell H that if he was living with ow that that would be it for me, and that's what the PI will help me with. Even if he isn't living with her, I'm pretty sure that I'm getting off this ride. I've given myself 3 months to organize the PI, the D lawyer and papers, and my letter of release. That way I can also deal with holidays and GAL activities--which I really need to focus on more.
To that end, I'm going to a hot springs resort in OR this coming weekend for a meditation class. Can't wait! Also, I've been having a lot of work done on my house--big trees chopped down, new windows and insulation int he attic and under the floorboards. Siding and paint are next. The house looks and feels great, and now I feel like I can sell it when/if I'm want to. Feng shui rocks!
He says to talk with a lawyer before I give H the letter--it makes it harder to double back and slip back into old habits, e.g. staying in the limbo rut when H is sweet and charming. He cautioned me that H may come back super-repentant. This is a big problem because it's tempting to go back to an unhealthy cycle. I need to be prepared to be clear about what I need to see to reconcile, and I should not agree to anything right then, just say, "I don't know if you can make those kinds of changes, H, I'll think about it." H needs to be afraid that he's gone too far, and I need to be committed to going through with this. It's how I respect myself and call the shots now. 