An update: Getting more and more comfortable with the direction of my relationship w TJ. He has kept up a steady stream of contact, since Xmas. He initiates almost all of it. Hallmarks of the relationship are: 1. developing a friendship first. I think we are there. Our convos are mostly all text, he is more comfortable that way. 2. I lower my expectations every chance I get. Lord, grant me patience,,,, but hurry! 3. I try to match his mood, mode of contact, and the tone. 4. I think he has to be aware that kissing and the almost daily contact seem like we are dating. Not committed, just easy kind exchanges. Today, I sent out a test balloon. I was prepared to be shot down. I asked him to cross his fingers and toes because I want a snow day. He responded quickly. I end the convo before he does. I think this is very important. 5. An air of mystery, holding back full details of my life. Not offering that my vacation plans are with a girlfriend as they are every year, but only that plans are being made. ( an expample of what mystery looks like.) I will answer any direct questions honestly. I justs don't come out and say, I am sitting here waiting for you.
I really really think this is happening. Very ssslllllllooooooooowly.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
But ... but ... but I thought you were sitting there waiting for me. If TJ snaps you up ... who will dance around the pole ... oh the humanity!!!
Hey - things do look like you two continue to be better friends each day/week/month. As long as the trend is going in the right direction, don't rush. Fight the temptation to ask questions that might spook a skiddish pony or fuzzy bunny.
Continue to enjoy the feeling of restoring an old friendship and let it happen naturally. It will happen, just maybe more slowly than you would prefer. When you get anxious ask yourself "am I okay with this friendship if it just levels off at this point?" It might help you find patience, ground your emotions, and reflect on how much better things are lately.
Let him run and jump around thinking he's in charge. He'll keep circling by for another nibble as long as he feels safe and you keep it interesting. Remember - he's still circling back and forth between you and the safety of the tunnel that's been his comfort zone for a couple years. I bet he'll stay longer each time until he decides the tunnel no longer meets his needs and he becomes more comfortable in your world. You're both doing great.
Don't know why I find myself here again, but here it goes.
Since Christmas, TJ and I have seen each other, and continued a text conversation. It has been fun, and sweet. He is still dragging through this crisis, and I am afraid to put it in writing, but I think he is in acceptance. Don't have a scan of his brain, but his actions, behaviors and words say he is resolving his issues. Then about 8 weeks ago I received an amazing text.He wanted to buy a vacation home with me. He set it up, and 5 weeks later we had a bid and a purchase agreement. I got the speech each of us dreams of when we know your spouse is coming back. The end result of all this is, we are seeing each other, and trying to put our relationship back together again. It has been 4 1/2 years, a divorce, with all the MLC trimmings. We are planning a future. We are spending time with the kids, and each other. I would not say he has expressed determination to see this through. He is not sure he loves me, but his actions are so loving. I know this takes time. I'm in no hurry. For the first time in SO long, pain is not my constant companion.
We did have a premature return 2 years ago. But really, this confirmed for me that this pattern was going in the right direction.
I am making my faith my primary relationship in my life.
It was in my power to keep the relationship cordial and respectful. I did this for me. I never got nasty, or irrational. I just accepted.
I have made many friends along the way. I probably won't post much anymore, as I will be spending time with TJ at our new place. Then school starts, and I have the added burden of taking a college class to keep my licensure. I'll be busy. Just wanted to pay back all the hope that I received here.
If you continue on this path, I would like to add a bit of my own advice. Do what will make your life more livable. If you want a shot at making a return to your marriage, do what is right, and good. I can live with whatever the outcome because I conducted myself with dignity and grace. I believe that is very attractive. Good luck and God Bless you all, and support you through this time of your life. Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Holly, Your post is a gift to me! I am fairly new to this site - but the support has been amazing. Your remark about keeping things cordial and respectful is so dead on to what I'm trying to do. Your post came at a much needed time! Thank you! IrishBlessings
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I've been wondering when you'd stop by with a progress report, and I did expect one. TJ has been setting a pace that is safe for him, and you've been patiently letting him. Now you're both enjoying the rewards of your efforts, at a safe rhythm. His MLC had its own time zone, and timeline. There was no way for either of you to rush it, and you both have more work to do. But this will be the work you wanted to tackle and you are ready.
I believe the growth will continue and that in time you'll both reflect on the past few years without as much of the pain or hurt that is the world of MLC. Grace and forgiveness will bring you great reward, and lead to a beautiful life.
Couln't be happier for either of you, although TJ took our pole dancer from us. He's a lucky man and I hope he continues to earn your heart. If you don't stop by so much we'll know why and continue to cheer for you and TJ. Warmest wishes ... me.
