Thanks Dudess - words of wisdom for sure! After my earlier post it got me back to thinking exactly those things...why did I fall in love with H? So maybe it would help me to write a list of all his positives and why I loved him:
1 - He took the initiative and kissed me out of the blue right before I left that first night I met him.
2 - He's tall, good looking. Has sexy nose, hands, and hair.
3 - His sense of humor is a little bit different than mine but he mostly "gets" me. (Many guys don't)
4 - He learned some things about me that some men would not be able to accept but he did and was supportive.
5 - I was in the military when I met him and he was man enough to appreciate that and not feel threatened.
6 - He was willing to try new things I wanted to try.
7 - Great sex.
8 - He's dependable and stable.
9 - He's smarter than he realizes or gives himself credit for.
10 - He treated me like a gentleman.
11 - The depth of his love for me was unlike any other guy I had ever dated....I thought his love would be the rock that would make this marriage survive.
Feeling similarly apathetic. I will try the list as well. Good idea!
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
So although I'm still giving myself room to work out my feelings of disappointment, jealosy that he's had an EA in the past (and uncertainty as to whether he could be having one now or the ghost of that past EA still haunts him), and my stubborness of "Oh, no you didn't!" as far as him falling out of love with me...
I also have learned what my part in this marriage falling apart was. I can also picture the possibility that with what I now know about men...there could be a very different and much happier type of marriage in the future if we stay together and are both changed from this experience.
I have no doubt that if we divorce, I would make some other man very happy, very quickly and I wouldn't remain single very long at all... but a different man would not replace my current H - he's a one of a kind! (Both good and bad I guess-lol!) Another other guy would have his own good points but why trade in a good guy? I guess I would have already given up if it wasn't for learning very painfully the things I did wrong and realizing I didn't want to do those things anymore. As for his side of it...I can't force him to change and I'm still coming to grips with what I'm willing to accept and what I am not.
My list made me sad that the person I fell in love with is reemerging but that she blames me for suppressing herself.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
I see what you're saying. I think that is what I call the "ego" trying to get you off track. I've been pulled down that path quite a few times already in the past few months but luckily have turned to either friends, books, or internet support to make sure I explore those feelings without taking it out on H. Also I keep reminding myself that life isn't fair and I'll be constantly unhappy if I don't accept that. Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? I wanted to be right for a long time...now I want to be happy instead. I've learned that sometimes people can have completely different views of something but they can both be right...
Now to share some good news! I achieved a small (but significant to me) goal last night!!! H moved over in the bed on purpose to be closer to me for awhile. No cuddling but our arms were touching for awhile. On my end I had kinda pushed my comfort zone and tried something new to me last night...I didn't have any expectations that my action would lead to any reaction at all on H's end (did this more because I wanted to...kinda a 'if our marriage is falling apart anyway' I don't really care how he'll judge me for this) but it did affect H in a positive way to my great surprise. He was also in a good mood this morning and chatted a bit before he went to work.
I don't want to get all TMI but it's related back to something Dia had mentioned a few days ago.
I think that Dia's thread has an aphrodisiac quality, don't you? It seems that folks who follow it have become inspired. Don't know what really happened with you and H, but it sounds positive. This is basic DB-ing --- try something new and monitor results.
Regarding some of your previous posts, I read somewhere that God made M to help us grow. It sounds as though you ARE growing and becoming a better partner (for this or a future relationship). Remember, even if it is not apparent that H is growing too right now, he may be. The forces of the universe are at work in all of us. In my sitch, my dinner convo with H 2 nights ago revealed that H has been having some realizations, even if he doesn't state them in so many words. One important realization for H seems to be that life really isn't as rosy 1 year after the bomb as he expected it to be. H told me he isn't planning any vacations because he spent too much on his house and furnishings. He said that he thinks God is responsible for his hectic work schedule (H left me because I worked too much, now our roles have completely switched. ) See what a difference 12 months can make?
Thanks GAGirl! I have no doubt my H is growing - I can't read what's going in his mind of course but I'm sure he'll grow from this experience even if he thinks he won't. Yes, my situation is not to where Dia's is at all yet but her inspiration has been very helpful to me in keeping up hope!
Well today has been a day of conflicts! I don't want to bore you all with details so try to be brief. Began the day with noticing that H did something that has been a trigger point for me in our marriage. He took only his clothes out of the hamper and washed them the night before - twice he's done that this week. First time I took a deep breath and let it go. This time I went upstairs and told him how I felt. He started out defensive but when I stuck to my feelings about the situation he seemed to stop defending and listen. I told him that maybe it was wrong but what I felt was that it was his way of showing me that I was not doing enough around the house. That I felt he expected me or wished for me to keep up everything around the house and work fulltime but that I had told him honestly in the past I could not handle full-time mom/full-time housework/full-time work all at the same time. I was trying my best to do more around the house but it's exhusting. I would never be able to live up to that standard that he wanted. I was upset but not yelling - more trying not to cry. I ended it by saying that it might be wrong but this was how I felt. He said "Message received". I went out with the kids for awhile and things were normal when I came back.
Then our next conflict was that some classmates wanted a playdate with my kids so I said yes on the phone without asking H. I had no idea he had plans to take one of our kids out somewhere. He'd mentioned it but had not told me any firm plans for when this weekend. He was annoyed and upset. I did think about it and realize that I hate this when H commits to somthing without asking me (and he does this often) so I went up and apoligized. He took it pretty graciously and agreed to change the time for his plans.
So turns out the father of the classmates drops them off and he is going through a divorce - his wife is the WAS. So he talks about that a bit - and I can only imagine what my H was feeling while the guy was complaining about his WAW's crazy behavior. I was supportive but careful about what I said. He really stressed how hard it was on his kids and all the custody and money settlement issues he was going through. Kept my mouth pretty much shut about that.(He doesn't know as we've only told mostly close family and friends so far about the seperation.)
I won't go into the details but later on we had a conflict about money. I think this one is something normally we wouldn't conflict about but he's touchy this evening: all the other conflicts maybe even though solved...the comments of the guy getting divorced...who knows? All I know is this one was not my fault anyway and I handled it very well.
So H was in a good mood this afternoon for a bit and talked a little bit about a female friend who he went to high school with on facebook. It was a pretty innocent thing - certainly appropriate comment to something I was doing at the time. I have mixed feelings. Glad that for the first time in ages he's mentioning something about what he does on FB. It's a nice new step. On the other hand of course when you're separated you can't help but wonder "Is this a possible EA or a very,very well hidden PA even?" I didn't get that impression from him but in general with the amount of texting he does - a lot might be job related but I know it isn't all... Tons of time spent on FB! (I did unfriend him after the bomb - otherwise I would be constantly checking his page for updates I know.) I don't really think there is a PA (he's home so much - where would he fit the time?!) ...but I highly suspect an EA.
Well overall I'd say it was certainly a day to put in practice a lot of the good advice I've learned from the LHF program. Just trying hard not to let all those 'unknowns' get to me today!
Good for you for maintaining your cool and "acting as if" in the face of multiple frustrations. It sounds as though the universe used your child's classmate's father with the WAW to send a message to your H. The universe has a way of taking care of us, doesn't it? H was probably able to hear this message coming from someone other than you, even if his gut response may have been to discount the message (just thinking this would be a walk-aways natural response). He is probably thinking more about these things than he lets on. I am surprised by a few things that H said to me when we had dinner together a few nights ago (convo on my thread).
Do you have a list of things that have elicited "positive" and "negative" responses from your H? My coach had me start one of these months ago. It is really helpful. Just keep doing the things that elicit positive responses and try to avoid things that elicit negative responses.
Thanks GAG! Today started out worrisome because H never came to bed last night at all. He slept on the couch. Am trying to not read into it. Almost wonder if it's a kinda test by him to see if I'd get all upset about it? (I did in the past.) I didn't comment on it and was normal & pleasant to him this morning.
Things that seem to be received positively by H: - Compliments. - Ask his advice on something and follow it. - Me leaving the house to go do something either with or without the kids. - Listening without offering advice. - Ensuring to greet him when he comes home with the door open and taking something out of his hands if they are full. - Doing things around the house. - Listening undistracted to him when he speaks and telling the children that they can not interrupt when he is speaking.
) See what a difference 12 months can make?
Tons of time spent on FB! (I did unfriend him after the bomb - otherwise I would be constantly checking his page for updates I know.) I don't really think there is a PA (he's home so much - where would he fit the time?!) ...but I highly suspect an EA.