"The difference is, I still don't want to get divorced"
I am not sure that there is that much of a difference......
Sometimes I wonder....we have two nice ladies who have husbands which have been less than honest and quite frankly disrespeceted them....over and over. I believe both would want another shot and are hanging on to that hope. On the other hand, there are guys on here who have been "normal" husbands and their WAWs have decided to walk for no apparent reason. Where is the justice? All I can say is regardless of what happens to all of us going forward, there are good folks out there. It's just a question of opening yourself up enough to see it and perhaps experience it.
Thanks for the feedback, guys. This is why I think I need therapy. I have an incredibly hard time answering the question, "What do I want?" I apologize ahead of time for a longish look at my feelings...
Actually I can answer the question half the time but the problem is, the answer might change day to day.
Originally, my answer was "I want my husband back, regardless of anything else, we can handle that later, I just want him back".
Over time it became, "I want my husband back and my family healed, but only if it is a true recommitment, with genuine change and dedication by all of us to growing strong together and making our marriage and family the best we can make it."
That changed after he came back last fall and I realized that living with a husband who was only going through the motions was actually more painful than living without him. I didn't believe it until I lived it.
Once he told me last week that he could not be (would not be? it doesn't really matter now) the husband I needed, it changed again.
The answer was now "I want to have as amicable a divorce as possible" (realizing any dissolving of a marriage is no picnic), and "give our kids the most peaceful, loving family experience we can". Think Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, they each have remarried but they still do things together with the kids and have for years.
So Monday we went to the movies with the kids even after I had just emailed him the terms of our settlement. And had a great time. Last night I had the kids in the city for allergy shots and he called and invited us to dinner (it was his night with the kids anyway after allergy shots). Dumba$$ me went. And we again had a nice time, joking and laughing with the kids. Then I went out and he took the kids for the rest of the night.
Once I got home last night after kids were in bed, I asked if he had gotten the form signed. He said no but he would do it today. And that he would return the draft of the settlement to me, he agreed with it.
Then this morning he texted me about an inside joke we have re. our trip to Mexico.
And yet, I am not 'happy', even though we are doing the things I said I wanted. I think that if I did not have any desire to have him back in my life as my husband, then this would be great. We could spend time together with the kids and hang out and have fun and there would be no problem.
But because I still do want that committed marriage thing, I am torn. Don't get me wrong I can't have him as my husband, not now. He hasn't made the genuine changes he would need to make, not by a long shot. But I think internal desires color things. Kind of like two long-time friends where one secretly wants romance with the other. The more time they spend together, the one who wants more starts reading into things and ultimately gets hurt when the other says, "Woah, we are just hanging out having fun here! I don't want any more than that from you." In this case, Dan made it clear he doesn't want a future with me.
Ok so I know I am rambling...I need to grow into my life without Dan. I need to be honest enough with myself to admit that I am not really 'detached' enough to spend this much time with Dan. Maybe down the road after the d goes through, the dust has settled, and I know I am strong enough.
So how do I handle that now? I don't want to be the superbitch (soemone on here has the tagline "your mood swings are giving me whiplash") who does an about face with no explanation and suddenly ignores all of his calls and turns down every invite with no explanation. After all I am the one who first thought it would be great for us to do things together so the kids know their whole world isn't changing and they still have a famiy, just a different kind of family.
I have an incredibily hard time trying to figure out how you ladies could have any love left for your husbands after all they have done...and have a harder time still...trying to figure out how you all could go on as a family after all this has happened..
I would like to think that everything you are feeling is absolutely normal because that is exactly how I have felt the past 18 months with my W. What you typed is almost verbatim to how I have felt and the process I have gone through. I believe it is similiar because the common variable is that we both simply wanted our marriages and the life that we had chosen to survive. It's hard to let that go, no matter how much of a dumba** our spouse is being.
I am right with you Mike. I could never regain the love and trust after someone has done what Kalni and Bobbi Jo's husbands have done. And I apply the same to my own X. But in her case, I would be reminded of her betrayal every time we would make love because I would have to wear protection so as to not get her STD.
But I can understand how Bobbi Jo and Kalni dont have the same perspective as you have right now. Heck, you got a great lady and are living life to the best with minimal bat chit crazy being injected. Just be ready for the eventual loss that the Tide will have this year to either Tennessee, LSU and/or Mississippi.
This is what I told my H when he was spending 16 hours a day at our house and then leaving at night and attending functions as a family. I told him it made it more difficult for "right now" for me to spend that sort of time around him. It still caused a lot of confusion and that my Pschy and heart wasn't healed yet and it would take time and in time maybe we could do stuff together. But I was honest and shared with him that it hurt to not be able to touch him when we were spending "family" time together, not be able to "share" with him like I so needed..... I was honest with about why it had to stop and he understood.. I wasn't emotionally ready to do that. Plus it confused the kids and made them have hope that we were "working" it out and such so for that reason and my mental health I had to stop it. Just explain it to him. It will confuse your kids at this point to continue on this way.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I apologize ahead of time for a longish look at my feelings...
NEVER, EVER APOLOGIZE FOR EPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS!
You know we understand them, have been there, are there, feel your hurt and confusion, and sympathize.
Quote:
I need to be honest enough with myself to admit that I am not really 'detached' enough to spend this much time with Dan.
Bingo. You are a smart cookie and already have identified one of the sources of your mixed feelings.
Therapy? Yes. Do it. It will be good for you to get that outside opinion and assistance. It will help you grow your new BBJ into a more independent thinker. Stopping your thoughts when planning things from being about 'us' to being about 'me' is really hard.
I agree with Sandy about the kids being confused by the situation. If they were older, it wouldn't be such an issue. They are just too young to separate a friendship between their parents from the M relationship they have always seen. Do them and yourself a huge favor and stop the family outings with Dan for at least a few months.
Of course, school events, meetings, sports events, etc. you should both be present, just not for the extras. Dinner out, movies, trips into the city, etc.....no.
Find a good Christian counselor and go BBJ. You will sort out your feelings a lot faster and better that way. It only took me 1.5 years to admit that and break down and pay the darned cash for the help I needed.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Just be ready for the eventual loss that the Tide will have this year to either Tennessee, LSU and/or Mississippi.
OMG..you had me right up until this last sentence...Tennessee sucks..they have no chance of beating Bama...I'd be more afraid of LSU and Mississippi...of course the War eagles come rollin into Knoxville this week and will be 5-0 when they leave..
Just be ready for the eventual loss that the Tide will have this year to either Tennessee, LSU and/or Mississippi.
OMG..you had me right up until this last sentence...Tennessee sucks..they have no chance of beating Bama...I'd be more afraid of LSU and Mississippi...of course the War eagles come rollin into Knoxville this week and will be 5-0 when they leave..
My take, BBJ, on the "friendly divorce" thing like Demi and Bruce is that you just aren't there yet. Dan still needs to get help with his depression/sex addiction/misogynist tendencies and he has the perfect life now.
He has his kids, his farm, his own place, freedom to get his "needs" met anywhere he wants and hey, if he wants a family/BBjo fix, she is right there. You are doing all the work fairly dividing things up. Organizing the kids around his time.... I can't believe you joined him for dinner last night. ARGH. This needs to be YOUR choice again. YOUR rules. He absolutely believes he has you wrapped around his little finger because he DOES. He will never change until it hurts more to stay the same than to change..........
Drop the rope girl... just for a while... he is NOT your friend sweetie. Not yet.
(sorry for t/j-ing BBJ