I will NEVER set foot in that infernal house again.
How bout having a close friend or relative do it? That's just weird to me she would do that....How did you find out about that; why did she do that? Sorry for the hijack, NC!!!
When I brought the last of my XW's stuff to her apartment, included was alot of the 'momentos' from our marriage of 7 years. I felt that because it was her that left, she must carry the burden of sorting through our stuff. It was my way of letting go and moving on....she gets to carry the baggage now.
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
Long story short, the house is in her fathers name as we couldn't get a good interest rate. So, now it's rented out and they are sleeping, eating, bathing, you name it with all our worldly possesions. I kid you not, my clothes and collectables were all I was able to get out when x-FIL "gave me the boot".
That whole family is so messed up it's not even funny. Her mother has to be turning in her grave so badly it's registering on the rhictor scale.
Thus, any "friends" involved in that situation are no longer frineds of mine, don't need that kind of company that support destroying your family. Close family, well, I know my cousins have all volunteered to go back and get my tools and things, but I just tell them to let it be, it's better for my sanity to just leave it alone.
At any cost, X left in 7/08. I held out as best as possible until 2/09. Neither of us want anything to do with the place, it's kind of taken on a "Amittyville Horror" ending, the family up and left and never returned for their possesions.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
When I brought the last of my XW's stuff to her apartment, included was alot of the 'momentos' from our marriage of 7 years. I felt that because it was her that left, she must carry the burden of sorting through our stuff. It was my way of letting go and moving on....she gets to carry the baggage now.
Not me my friend. I had to live with 'momentos' of X's first marriage randomly packed away in the house. I refused to let any of mine be that way, period. So, I set a deadline for X to come get anything she choses from the loot, and assure me it will not end up as such. Otherwise it will end up like our marriage, thrown away.
She apparently thought I was joking. And in the state of mind I was in at the time, it was very very bad to take anything I said lightly.
I kept one picture at the alter, a video of the day, and my champaign glass we would drink out of every anniversary, that is all.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I went to the IEP meeting at S8's school today, burning up yet more of my dwindling vacation hours (gee, thanks, exW.) The meeting went extremely well, and I really like S8's teachers and staff, especially this year. I had been warned by others with Autism Spectrum kids that third grade is often a very difficult transition for these kids -- I am very thrilled and relieved that S8 seems to be handling things well. Compared to last year, S8 is doing fantastic.
During this meeting I sat with S8's primary teacher, his CCR teacher, the school's assistant principal, and my exW. The problem arose because everyone seemed to defer to exW by default. Most glaring to me was that the CCR teacher seemed to address everything to exW and not me. I was sitting front and center, with exW next to me on my right, and yet the CCR teacher, who was doing most of the talking, was always facing exW and making eye contact with her. Only once in a long while would she cast a brief glance towards me.
It was very disconcerting. I tried to engage and make eye contact with everyone present, and still they focused on xW. I was thinking to myself, "Hey, I'm right here! I am S8's parent too! I'm not here as window-dressing or to be a fifth-wheel. I need to be just as involved as his mother."
And then when it came time to sign the paperwork, the CCR teacher gave the forms to exW first and allowed her to sign in the blanks labeled "parent" -- I had to squeeze my own signature in around the other lines. It's like I was just an afterthought.
I've searched my thoughts and feelings on this, trying to be realistic and asking if I am being just a bit too sensitive. I think partly so -- but I know I feel slighted just the same. This was nothing personal, I know, but it reflected an insensitivity where male parents are concerned. The automatic assumption is that the father is just along for the ride, and less concerned about the details or the decisions regarding their children. A definite gender bias.
I can't say that I blame them personally for this unfortunate tendency to focus on the mother of a child to the exclusion of the father -- as when ex and I were together I did indeed delegate a lot of decision-making to my children's mother. And how would they know our situation is any different from so many other "normal" households.
I am thinking that this attitude only discourages father participation in their childen's education (that's how I felt, certainly.) And the resulting lack of participation by these fathers only feeds into this biased attitude about them. Thus it only helps perpetuate a vicious circle.
In all honesty, it also grates on me that exW just ate this special attention up, particularly because it came at my own expense.
But in all humility I have to get over this and move on. I'll nurse my wounded pride and my injured sense of fairness. I just wish people would realize that their biases, innocent as they might seem, can still cause harm.
that was pretty rude! sorry you had to bear that. I wonder if she's said anything to them?
I'm not one to keep quiet, if that'd happened to me I'd write all the T/teachers who were present, an email (or letter) thanking for their time and letting them know that you want to be fully involved with your child's life and that any desicion (academic, scheduling meetings) has to be done jointly and that you appreciate them keeping you informed and abreast of anything related with your son. Do they know you guys are D'd? if not they add that due to strenous circumstances you appreciate it the school contacts BOTH parents about your son.
bleah... will she ever grow up? ... you just reminded me of this week when I found an airbrushed tshirt we got at the beach with x's and my name on it...I chuck it into the bag I was filling with clothes to give to a charity, hope they get a buck for it to help someone, lol, it's out of my hands now.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I don't think teachers give a thought about the role of fathers in their students' lives. I think they're just so used to the modern family model where the husband is too busy with work to really get involved. And I also suspect that, that to them, D doesn't change their observation of parental involvement.
I suppose a widower would be a different story because the mother is simply not going to be present. But that's not the case here (although I feel like I've been widowed sometimes.)
I suppose I will just have to win them over by participating all the more harder, to prove their misconceptions wrong through actions and words.
Fridays marks the transfer of custody each week. My week with our S's ended yesterday morning, while the ex's began after they got home from school.
Yesterday also marked the end of the school term for S8. He is now tracked-out for the next three weeks. So xW is taking them out of town on vacation, to Myrtle Beach. I hope they, my S's, have a good time if the weather holds up. But I am concerned now because I am certain that the OM is going along (S8 has assured me that his mother is including him.) What I am most concerned with is if xW plans on OM sleeping in the same room with them -- that would be a direct violation of our Parenting Agreement and consent order.
I would hope she would have enough common sense and enough decency to have separate rooms at the hotel. But I suspect that xW is brash enough to violate our legal agreement, to cast caution to the wind. Heck, she doesn't give a rat's petard for the sanctity of M, so why would she care about honoring any other legal agreement made with me?
I don't want my kids exposed to that, their indiscretions. I am tempted to take measures to get evidence of their violation of the signed consent order. But I am too broke to do anything about it.
But in all humility I have to get over this and move on. I'll nurse my wounded pride and my injured sense of fairness. I just wish people would realize that their biases, innocent as they might seem, can still cause harm.
OK, I'm sorry you had to go through that too, but I think if you do just continue your usual efforts to be a loving, involved dad, that at some point they'll realize the truth. And if they don't, well does it really matter, what they think of you? It matters that you and your boys know you're a good dad I think, but that's it. I think my only concern would be if they are keeping some info from you and just giving to your XW, but then I would just address that issue and say that as you are an involved parent, you think it's best for the boys to have both parents involved. And then if they don't keep you informed after that work your way up the chain: vice-principal to principal to school board...
And re: the having OM in the same hotel room (you think she would have him share with your boys?). That would be horrible. You know my pastor has offered to have some of the Ls from my church help me out if needed (I have my own though), and I wonder if your church would help out in a case like that? That is so against our churches teachings that they would probably be thrilled to help if you find out that happened. I mean your W doesn't have tons of money to fight a legal battle either does she, and could just be a letter or a few hours work for the L?
I recall you too have been through some issues with your school system too. My concern is just as you're stating -- that because they assume I as a father am not as involved, the school staff and teachers are not conveying all information to me equally as they do exW. I am gathering from the conversations I have been privy to that there are some things I was not being informed of. For example, the assumption was made that everyone knows what a CCR teacher is and what their role is in our school system. (Heck, I had to google CCR for myself to get the scoop.)
But the addressing the conversation almost exclusively to the person sitting right next to me is just so... disrespectful ... and ignorant on their part.
AS for the wonderful little vacation exW has taken our S's on, along with the fat b*stard (OM), it is not that exW has the boys together with the OM -- although I have to say that would be bad too -- it is prospect that all four of them are in the same hotel room. To have another adult, unrelated by blood or M, under the same roof is expressly prohibited by the parenting agreement we signed in August.
I have since called my S's this evening, as usual, and S8 was more than ready to give me the full scoop about the sleeping arrangements, or as much as had been revealed to him as yet. They are currently in a two-bedroom suite with adjoining sleeping quarters. S8 tried to say something confused about the OM sleeping in a tent out on the patio/bacony -- but that makes zero sense. And I don't believe for one second that that sleeping arrangement will be maintained once the boys drift off to sleep.
Obviously, my ex has no conscious and even appears to be trying to scamm the system she agreed to.
I will certainly be bringing these matters up to the parenting coordinator when I meet with him next.
...
Right now I am extremely sore and exhausted from helping a friend all day long move into her new home. I'm now going to go crash in bed...
