Glam, Well, the mystery is solved. Is this your debt or his? If it's his or joint debt, he will need to get involved. I'm surprised that a a police department would be involved in serving such papers, but it sounds like they are taking you to court, maybe small claims court. I think you are wise in getting a lawyer. It never ends, does it?
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I came here to save my marriage. That didn’t happen. What did happen is that I found myself. I have a better understanding of who I am and what I want out of life. I was not a good DB’er. I did my best, but seemed to always blurt things out before thinking. That was so hard for me. Just found it hard to control my mouth.
What I did do well, is have patience with my h. I spent a long 3 years waiting for my h to return home. Just like many of you, I had the hope and desire that he would return. I prayed daily for my h, that he would have the desire to want to return and be with his family. That didn’t happen. I prayed for signs and wisdom from God on what to do and say. Patience was the hardest thing I had to learn. I kept asking God what was it that I was suppose to learn from this whole ugly experience. I wasn’t sure, what I could possibly learn. Well, I think that God was trying to teach me patience, understanding and forgiveness. Probably qualities I lacked prior to all this happening.
One of the best things that happened was that I focused on getting healthy and fit. I currently spend 6-7 days working out, eating a clean diet. So far I have lost 20 lbs, over the course of 15 months and lost 6% body fat. I dropped 2 sizes. My goal is to lose another 20 lbs and another 10% body fat. I am finding clothes in my closet that I haven’t worn in years. I look better now than I have in 5 years. So this has been a real plus.
The hardest part of this journey was to accept my h for the person he really is today. I really didn’t think my h had it in him to do the things that he did and then not want to do anything about it. I lived much of the past 3 years in denial. Once I got out of that denial I could see my h for who he really was. Not a bad person inside, but a person that for whatever reason made poor choices and then didn’t know or didn’t want to do anything about those choices. The problem is when they make those poor choices they affect all those who’s lives they touch.
I had many questions that never got answered. I spent a great deal of time wondering why and was stuck for the longest time. For me, I guess if I just knew why then maybe some of what my h did would make sense. Well those answers never came, nor do I ever expect those questions to be answered. Some how today it doesn’t really matter anymore. I guess that is what happens when you let go and move on.
As far as my relationship with my h, we will be good co-parents to the kids. I should consider myself grateful that my h is somewhat involved in their lives. The most saddest part of all of this is the abandonment of the kids. I am an adult I can process this much better, but for the kids I see how they hurt and feel. I see the awkwardness of when the neighbor kids taunt them with questions as to where is your dad, why doesn’t he live with you. Bless s7 he defends his dad and makes an excuse for him. How sad that at such and early age they being taught secrecy and excuses. I also see the kids disappointment when they ask their dad why he doesn’t live in the home and my h has NO response for them. My heart aches for them. Not for me! I can manage through my feelings better. All I can do is be the best mom that they could possibly ask for. I did it with s20 and can do it with s7 and d5 too.
We most recently got a puppy. He will be arriving early Oct. The kids are excited and can’t wait. He won’t be much of a guard dog, but now I can hopefully feel a sense of security in the home. It’s one thing that I miss the most not having a man around should something terrible happen. For some reason, I fear someone breaking in. We live in a good neighborhood, but still anything can happen.
As far as my h, nothing was ever resolved with his issues that have come up. He doesn’t choose to include me in his life or every day dealings. This is where I finally had to get it that my h was NO longer my concern. My h did share with me that he didn’t want to return and be a part of our family in that respect. He wants to be part of his kids lives, but not in the caretaker capacity living in the home. He point blank said because “he doesn’t want to”. That was hard to hear, but it really helped me to clearly accept him for who he is today. Once you get to acceptance, you have no where else to go but forward. Once you accept they are not returning it’s easier to plan your future.
How am I doing? I have my good days and bad. I still spend time grieving over the lost relationship. I think for me, since I most recently accepted h not returning I am still going through the grieving. I am just most sadly that we let our kids down. Meaning, they were just so young to not have both parents in the home. They will be forever scarred. I know this will affect them as adults. The whole abandonment issue. I am also so sorry that my h couldn’t see that or if he did that he didn’t want to fix it.
If you look hard enough you can find a silver lining. It has been interesting. My ex from first marriage has been in contact with me. We are re-hashing the past. My ex so regrets loosing me. He said he kicks himself everyday for being so stupid. Yeah, that makes me feel good, but also sad that it had to take all the pain and 15 years later to see it, but at least the apology came even if it’s too late and years later. He finally saw the light and has a relationship with God. I was so happy to hear that. He has invited me to come bring the kids and move in with him. He says he would take care of me. That was nice to hear, after all these years. S20 will be seeing him in Oct when he goes to visit for his 21st birthday. See some good does come out from all the bad. Maybe another lesson God was showing me in all of this.
Me? I look forward to the future and am excited about the prospect of meeting someone to share the rest of my life with. I so wanted that to be my h, but I had to let go of that and finally face reality. Sometimes you just need to let go to allow newness and freshness in. I started signing up for some meet-up groups and have most recently gone back to church. For the longest time I was so buried with all the pain, I couldn’t even think about having time for a friend. This is not what I expected for my later years, but am doing the best that I can ask of myself to embrace the life that was bestowed upon me. Every time I get a little down I reach out to God and he is right there to pick me up and carry me until I can stand again.
I don’t post much anymore, but do read now and then to check up on those that gave me so much encouragement when I needed it the most. Thanks to all that lifted my spirits when I was so down. If you find yourself here I hope your journey is enlightening and that you find much comfort in the words of others.
God Bless!
Glam
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Hey GG, I have though about you often. We all get to a place of acceptance and letting go when we do. There is no right time or right way. Just your way.
I am sorry that your marriage wasnt restored. But I am so happy that you have found you. That is the most important thing in the world. Once we find ourselves, we find our way. And then we can concentrate on the people and things that make our life richer.
So, my friend, you are a success story. You need to go through the whole process and I have no doubt you will come out the other side happy and healthy.
You are a wonderful, compassionate, loyal person. I know there is someone out there who will appreciate that one day.
Do check in from time to time. Let us know how you are doing.
GG we started posting around the same time You are quite n inspiration Yes, we come to learn the lessons we need the most I guess and I realize this journey was absolutely needed for me Unfortunely our spouses wanted the other road, one that maybe appeared more fun, easier or prettier they couldnt see the choices would lead to destruction some worse than others So happy your H is at least steeping to plate as a co parent part time soem do not and mine is fading quick into his disastrous choices we cant save them we were not meant to so neat that your first H can see the light even years later, he is still thinking about what he lost You will create all you want b./c you have the thing you needed yourself peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Same here guys. I started around the same time. Mine is not even close to reconciling. I guess I really don't want the man he has become. I don't like what happened, but I will accept whatever gods' plan is. One really beautiful thing that happened out of all this is the wonderful people I have had the chance to meet and talk with on this site...
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Just wanted to wish you a good day and keep looking ahead. I am so sorry that it didn't work out between you and your H.
I found it very intersting that your XH finally noticed after 15 years that he made a mistake and is kicking himself to have let you go!! Thank you for letting us know. It is obvious that at one point they do wake up.
H's family called and his mother went to ER last night. I texted h and let him know. NO response from him. I asked in the text if he wanted to go to CA to see her. It sounds serious, so not really sure at this time what is happening. She was experiencing chest pains, but had bypass surgery about 5 years ago.
H and I have a good co-parenting R now. He did say he would like to talk with me on Sunday. Not sure what that means, nor will I try to figure anything out.
Getting everything ready for arrival of new puppy in 12 days. The count down is on. Staying focused on me and the kids.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
