Just catching up tonight - thanks for the posts! Pam, I hope David does start reading. THere is a lot of hope and possibilites of the future expressed on this BB.
Alaska - I'm so tickled to see you in piecing!! THis is a strange phase to be in -
Karen, I agree that would be nice. W just isn't ready for it. She's really aware of the boundary thing now, and it's essential for her healing. I'm realizing how much is there for her to get over. Optimist hit the nail on the head with issues from her past. This might be a long road, really, W has a lot of things to heal from and a lot of things to discover with vunerability, intimacy, and boundaries - as do I, but in a different context. She's working on it, she's working on it hard in therapy, etc. and the best thing I can do is not pressure her. Give her time to work on it.
I told her tonight that I get very anxious about making a mistake and pushing her away, and she said that she could understand me feeling that way, but she doesn't need me to be perfect and what I've done so far she's found amazing. I need to get it in my head that we're on more solid ground now, feel good about that. There's just more work to do is all. More time until it's 100%.
Totite - thanks for the input! I tell you, most of my hang-ups and sources of embarassment are long gone at this point. Kind of liberating! The couple of months before the bomb, we were talking a lot more about what each other liked, were finding promising positions (and other details) - I think once we get back to that point, we'll be in a much better position to investigate this further. I think that I'm much more comfortable personally addressing these things than I was. I'm also speculating that W's change of perspective on intimacy and working on it as hard as she is may affect a change in this area too. We'll see. As this point it's my goal to be completely supportive of this whole process, and when we get there we'll have fun with new ideas.
Yeah, our house is about to undergo a major transformation. W is definitely nesting... nice to see her investing her time in this house, this home, and making it ours. Called about indoor cabinets today; still need to call more landscapers to finish all that off. I've seen your posts about the wall - sounds like a lot of fun! I love projects like that.
Well, it's 11:30 and I'm about to fall asleep at the keyboard (hopefully this posts reads well and makes sense, cause I don't feel too coherent). Type at you later!
You don't know how many times I have started a post on this thread and either lost it or had to shut it down because something else needed my immediate attention. So if I'm a little bit behind on things please forgive me.
I can understand perfectly your wifes intimacy issues as well as her frustration over not being able to have an O during sex. I have seen where you have already been told that statistically W is in the majority rather than the minority I also see a lot of emphasis on clitoral O which in essense IS the easiest to achieve due to the location of the clitoris and it's accessability for manual and mechanical manipulation. If your wife is like I was though...THAT just isn't enough She WANTS that supreme moment during intimacy that transcends everything else. I would hazard to guess that she blames herself and her boundary issues and maybe even feels like she is "broke" by not being able to achieve what she wants and she probably even feels that she is failing you in this area as well. I have felt all of those things and it is no walk in the park...I didn't have my first O during sex until I was 30 yo. When it happened I nearly cried But like your W I had to get over my issues first. That you are so supportive and patient with her during this time is SO admirable...that alone will help her probably more than she will ever let you know
Does W have anyone to talk to that has shared similar boundary and intimacy issues? Has had similar experiences that led up to the issues? Basically someone to help her realize that she is not so alone in her problems? I think that if she could find someone like that it would also help as well...kinda like this BB is for all of us ya know If I could have found someone who had the same experiences I had I think I might have gotten past some of it a lot more quickly. I had to struggle through on my own though and while I got past it eventually it was one heck of a long road. You might approach her about looking for some form of support group...not one of those "ALL men are evil, we are justified in our issues", angry militant groups though OK. They only make the problem worse You would have to watch how you approach this issue though...you don't want her to feel as if she is being pressured just so the 2 of you can finally have sex though. I'm sure you would go about it the right way so I don't know why I caution you about it
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Thanks for the post - I really appreciate your willingness to share this personal stuff. My sincere thanks to everyone who has been willing to do so.
You hit the nail on the head with the way she feels. I know she's tenatively sought support from others over the years on this with no real response. I think even her mother was kind of "whatever" (MIL isn't the kind to be sensitive about it either). W has talked to our conciller about it though.
I'm going to take it easy at the moment. I did, however, order some books from Amazon today about, um, things I can do for her. I showed her the printout of books I ordered tonight and she said it turned her on just reading the titles. This is a big 180 for me - although I was supportive before, I think my clinging to my conservative backgroud made me somewhat unapproachable on the whole thing.
Things are going to be a LOT different for us when we get to that point.
So, W went to C today - our counciller is worried about her, she's not sleeping, feels a lot of anxiety, and feels generally numb emotionally. C is worried she's headed for depression again. I personally don't know about that, but she definitley needs to get some good sleep.
We're looking forward to this trip we have planned for the weekend too.
Bill, could you stop by my thread and give me some of your always-appreciated feedback? I have a letter I'm thinking of sending to H as a response to his.
Good going on those books! You just keep rocking and rolling forward, my friend.
I also see a lot of emphasis on clitoral O which in essense IS the easiest to achieve due to the location of the clitoris and it's accessability for manual and mechanical manipulation. If your wife is like I was though...THAT just isn't enough 
She WANTS that supreme moment during intimacy that transcends everything else. I would hazard to guess that she blames herself and her boundary issues and maybe even feels like she is "broke" by not being able to achieve what she wants and she probably even feels that she is failing you in this area as well. I have felt all of those things and it is no walk in the park...I didn't have my first O during sex until I was 30 yo. When it happened I nearly cried 
