Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

I get it. I do the same thing with my H. I don't want to "reward" him by letting him go. But that's DB. We need to demonstrate the 180 of acceptance, or else they do feel controlled. They will never make the decision one way or the other to be with us as long as they are reacting to our pressure to reconcile.

My advice is more an inner attitude - doesn't have to be said directly to spouse. And it doesn't have to be as extreme as "If W does.... then I'll leave". It can be an inner attitude of smaller 180's - "if W .... then I will .... leave the room... not talk to her... watch tv or eat by myself... " the point being that your bottom line is for you and you alone. You know that in that moment you don't want to be treated that way so you won't. In that moment. Nothing even has to be said. They will notice.

Thanks. This helps me see it a little differently.

I have done some of these things. She doesn't seem to notice much. Maybe, maybe not. At least I don't have to sit there for it and I can go do something I enjoy.

I need to take care of myself better. I have to realize this is no good for me. So tonight, a small step. I will go out after dinner. When he is here, I will go exercise and go to the library to work or read books. I will take care of me. Not for his reaction.

Good for you!

Because I'm hurting myself by trying to convince someone who isn't ready to be close to me. It is kind of controlling. We need to recognize that.

I hadn't looked at it like tht either. You're making a lot of sense to me today.

[Butterfly1]

EB
I hope I have helped. It's an idea that just came to me last night. It's like - we are hurting ourselves by wanting someone to come back who is so distant and rejecting. We are then setting ourselves up for rejection and pain. It's still painful they don't want to be near us, but we choose not to step into a pond full of snapping alligators because we will certainly get bitten. No matter how much we yearn for a swim, the alligator bites are going to hurt a lot more.

I'm not planning on hanging out with my H tonight because I don't want to be disappointed. I have my plans. If he chooses to ask me to spend time with him, I'll do it only if it is nurturing for me. But if I am yearning for hugs and kisses, I'll be let down so perhaps my answer should be no at this time.

I hope you can protect yourself too. It doesn't matter if she notices. Someday, someone will. It may or may not be her. But if she isn't noticing and you want her too, again, you'll just be in pain. So do it for you. You deserve to be wanted and desired and loved.

[Energizer Bunny]

I have some vacation time to burn up, so I took the day off. I took S to school this morning then spent the rest of the day out. I hung out with my sousin most of the afternoon and evening.

W came up with a couple of reasons to call and text today (household stuff) then she went to GF's house for the entire evening. She took S with her. I wasn't home anyway.

When I got home she was carrying a notebook with papers in it. I think they are her house listings. I still don't know if she's picturing this as temporary or not.

We talked for a bit. I told her of my day, she talked a little of hers. Not much about hers. She asked about my cousin, our S etc. She really talks to me like I am just a roommate. She just seems comfortable living like this. We're just passing buddies....and she seems perfectly fine with it.

[Energizer Bunny]

She ended up coming in my room again last night. She said she was cold and thought she would be warmer sleeping next to me. We cuddled for an hour or so, I kissed her neck, she kissed me, and we ML. She stayed the night with me and we laid in bed for a couple of hours this morning. She made a big family breakfast...then went to GF's house. (I really hate the relationship she has with GF). She kissed me goodbye before she left.

All good right?

While she was gone I saw the notebook and peeked inside. She's still planning on going. Emails to her sister (W is so excited about new place), house listings and bank paperwork.

I know I can't control the outcome but this is crazy.

[Energizer Bunny]

She continues to talk about stuff in our house. Future things here.

I've fought saying anything about her moving i.e. "it won't be your issue" but I really want to.

Her GF relationship is so freaking over the top. If they're not together or texting. W even changed her facebook pic to a pic of her with GF's daughter!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm going to a Red Wing's game w/ son tonight. I need to not be here.

[Energizer Bunny]

Wings game was fun. S had a great time being a nut. His dancing even got him on the scoreboard.

Even with all of that going on, I had a few minutes of that odd crippiling feeling during the game. W used to go to these things with us. If she wasn't there, we would text back and forth. This time, nothing. Her sister of all people texted with me (she was watching the game on TV)

W was fine when I got home. We're roommates again. Roommates who slept together last night. Cuddles this morning and kissed before she went to her GF's house. (That is, the first time she went to GF's today. She was over there a couple of times in between her couple of hours on the phone with her...can you sense my bitterness?)

Now my roomie is back in her room.

I'm starting to realize that she's never really felt the need to hold onto me because she's never felt she could lose me. I know she says she wants to go, but I am really starting to wonder what she would be like if she really felt that I may not be here when she came back. Obviously I haven't detached enough to give her that feeling. It's pretty damn hard to detach from someone who occasionally still sleeps with and kisses me though.

What in the world am I supposed to do? I spend tons of time away. I told her I accept that she is moving out. I have lots of good times without her. The problem seems to be that I am there EVERY time she wants me to be. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Is she walking on me, or am I being a good husband to a wife who is going through a tough time in life?

[givingitmyall]

What in the world am I supposed to do? I spend tons of time away. I told her I accept that she is moving out. I have lots of good times without her. The problem seems to be that I am there EVERY time she wants me to be. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Is she walking on me, or am I being a good husband to a wife who is going through a tough time in life?

Live your life, on your schedule and based on what you want.

[Butterfly1]

What in the world am I supposed to do? I spend tons of time away. I told her I accept that she is moving out. I have lots of good times without her. The problem seems to be that I am there EVERY time she wants me to be. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Is she walking on me, or am I being a good husband to a wife who is going through a tough time in life?

I hear you - I really want to hold onto the good times too and create more of them. But you and I have that in common - we're always here when they want us. Not on our schedules.

I think you (and me) need to give more the feeling of we won't always be here. It's one of the basic counter-intuitive techniques of DB that I personally have avoided. It's the GAL - have a plan one night when they are supposed to be here. 180 - when they expect us to be here, dinner, weekend, whenever that is - DON'T. Be out doing something for us. I think you will really prosper from this technique. Why not try it?

[wanttobebetter]

I took the time to read this whole post. I'm hoping for the best for you. My wife is planning on moving out Oct 1. I have no idea what to expect or what to hope for. Best of luck to you EB.

[Energizer Bunny]

I took the time to read this whole post. I'm hoping for the best for you. My wife is planning on moving out Oct 1. I have no idea what to expect or what to hope for. Best of luck to you EB.

Hi. Welcome. Sorry you're here with the rest of us. I responded on your thread.

As for my sitch, I spent most of the day out of the house yesterday. Worked on my Jeep (I need to get it ready for the new owner. I sold it because I am preparing for financial issues after W moves out). I got out to have pizza and beer with a buddy for a couple of hours too. I left while she was at the grocery store made sure not to leave a note

W and I hugged a little yesterday. She sat with me on the back patio swing and she leaned on me for support after she hit the neighbor's dogs with the car after it ran into the street (dog lived, but is pretty banged up - didn't know this particular neighbor). She even came into "my" room and watched TV with me for about an hour before bed time. She went back to "her" room to sleep.

While on the porch swing, she started talking about the plants in the yard and what she will have to do with them next summer. She wanted her mom to see one of them and I suggested that she take a picture and E-mail it to her. W said her mom would see it the next time she came to visit. What I wanted to say ****"What? Visit here? Why sould your mom visit here? You won't live here! Are you playing a f-ing head game with me or what?"**** What I did say. "Cool. It was just an idea."

Good things are happening, but still no R talk. Still planning on moving as far as I know.

When I saw her bank paperwork though, I did see that she didn't qualify for as much $$ as she wanted too. This may make it more of a challenge for her as we have a pretty nice house in a nice neighborhood. She would have to live in a questionable place with less than high class neighbors.

She doesn't talk at all to me about moving, but I know she talks to her sis and GF about it.