Forgive AND forget?

[BeingMe]

It was in this post that I thought you were asking for something ... not sure what ... advice, ideas? Sorry, if I saw it wrong. You also seemed despondent.

Take care.

It's county fair time. I didn't even ask H to go with me, cheeseless tunnel, although we used to spend hours walking around hand in hand and socializing.
I had a good time on my own but I missed being with the old H.
I missed sharing a haystack of onion rings while we looked to see if our entries won any ribbons.
I guess the positives are that I could see what I wanted when I wanted.
The entertainment was fantastic!
I didn't reach out to anyone to go with me or meet me at the fair this year, usually I do. No one reached out to me either. That stings a little.
The real sting was coming home and H would hardly take his eyes off the hunting video to say hi. I tried to be chipper and engage him, nothing.
I am tired of wanting something simple and getting rejection.
I told H this morning that even though he thinks I am despicable and repulsive and I am used to it it still hurts.
He said what are you talking about?
Then texts me today about fair stuff.
How do I break the cycle and get off the merrygoround?

Showing my horse this weekend. If it's a super big show and I beat the pants off of everyone else I could finish a title on my mare but I don't think it will happen. That bites too because it would be within easy reach if I hadn't allowed H to control me with financial fear earlier this year and I missed a show.

Okiedokie, pity party over. Let the weekend rooollll!!!!

[faithisbelieving]

Not encouraging you to file WCW...nor have I implied that you are a doormat. I just read constant negativity in the posts I've read.

Filing is hell. I am the 'anti-matter' here. I filed on a divorcebusting site. I don't recommend it AT ALL if there is hope...REAL hope. Not implying you but there is too much denial and fear here....too much loss of life and time.

I am only saying what I have said to you live....do what makes YOU happy. If staying like this fulfills you; if you are happy living with this man..if you knew you only had 6 months to live and you could say, yeah...this is where I want to be....then .....

FIB

[WCW]

Tonight I was all settled in for the evening with the dogs and enjoying the campfire and full moon. H drives in to pick me up and go to town for ice cream.

BM, have you made it past the 'good friend' stage with your H?

FIB - 6 months to live? I'd be on the road with my horse to ride in each of states of the US. It's on my bucket list.

I heard a good quote today -
Life is managed, not cured.

[BeingMe]

BM, have you made it past the 'good friend' stage with your H?

If 'best friend' is past the stage of 'good friend', then I guess I have. There is no intimacy, but there is caring. He does care deeply about me, and the struggle with my health. He is very sympathetic and does all he can to make life easier for me. There was no romantic epiphany when we found out about the tumour ---- no "omigod, you could die, and I love you so much". By then, I had already accepted our R for what it was.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should've left 5 years ago when I discovered the EA. Perhaps, I might've had more passion and excitement in my life by now, rather than this constant reminder of what might've been. But, I am satisfied with my choice now. I spent at least 3 years waiting and hoping for some change, but eventually in the last 2 years I found acceptance and a measure of happiness within myself. I just take things as they are. We are family no matter what.

Our sitches are different really, except we have stuck to it for five years.

Love that quote --- I think I heard Dr. Phil say it.

[WCW]

BM, I wonder if our sitches are so different as you think. We seem to be in about the same place, both wanting more from our H's than they are giving. I've not settled yet though, I'm still pursuing life with H to a fuller R. Maybe I'll get there, maybe I won't, and I'll deal with it when I feel the time is right. When I don't have the gut feeling H has more to give.

Something coming more from H is his opinion on things again. It's good but hard to adjust after I've been doing things 'my way' for so long in his absence. He's got great ideas though! I have to be careful I don't fall back into the rut of running myself ragged trying to accomplish every one of his ideas.

I want more weekends like this. Not just the extra day, but the weather and the work we've got done! We worked on some that have been waiting for 5 years....
Nice.

[kat727]

Thinking of you. Glad you had a good and productive weekend.

kat

[WCW]

Thanks kat. How are you?

I know my life and my R with H is far far far from perfect, but after hearing stories from other women in the last few days/weeks my sitch feels like a pretty lush pasture!

I don't wanna be man bashing but is there really such a thing as a good ol' normal kind a guy anymore anywhere? jeesh!!

Off topic but another irritaion - for anyone looking for a job - be interview ready when you fill out an application! Don't show up in cutoffs and muscle shirts or spaghetti strap shirts with your boobs and tattoos hanging out.

[kat727]

I am doing pretty good thanks. Last weekend was really relaxing, didn't do much but isn't that what we are supposed to do? lol My oldest two are having their birthdays next Friday and the following Monday so I am gearing(resting) up for that very full weekend. Boy time flies when you are having fun!

kat

[WCW]

Remember being young enough to look forward to birthdays! weeeeee!!!!!
I bet you'll make it plenty special for them!

[WCW]

It's officially over - race season! My nephew had a good season overall. At one point about 6 weeks back he got wrecked and the car was 'totaled'. He was so disgusted that he was ready to throw in the towel and quit. The team pulled together and were able to fix it and he came back stronger than ever! Last night in a 40 lap special with a huge payout he finished 2nd! Awesome.

H is hopping around with cell phone carriers/plans again, trying to cut costs. I have offered him my discount thru work before but he would never take it, then I was contacted by my carrier and they were able to put it on H's account too. I told H, and said I had no knowledge of his private info! Now he may stay with his carrier. I did say the best way to save money would be for both of us to share a family plan again. The seed is planted but he's not ready yet. I have been after him to help me with the mortgage more than he has, only twice this year. H just won't manage his finances and will only pay the squeaky wheel after he pays and plays himself first.

H did me a big favor to help troubleshoot my internet service. I was plentiful with WOA for H. Better now but not okay and a technician is supposed to call for service.

Some friends of our bought a new place a few months ago, they're just 5 minutes from us now. We helped them move in. They had a bonfire the other night, I had told H about it and he wanted to go. They also told me they made a special call to H to give him a personal invite, so I am real glad I had already told H.

These friends are also builing a small barn to move their horses to their place. I've gone to help, and I'm the only female there with all the guys. All the other wives are shopping or playing somewhere else. Why is that? why don't women help more? I don't get it! Yesterday was a tough day but we got all the steel on the sides and on the roof. I got hugs when I left!

Today I have a friend coming to talk. I got this email from her, she has had a real tough summer in her M. I'm not quite sure how to handle all this, there is a lot of stuff buried in her words.

Hello,

I am writing to number one apologize for my behavior this past summer. I have been very selfish and cruel. It is my fault for laying my life out on my sleeve and getting everyone involved with my life's problems. I have taken advantage of you and I am very disappointed with myself. I want to settle up with you. I would like to get (horse) closer to home. I need to get back in touch with (horse). But for right now, the bills are screaming at me, and I need to cut costs.It is extra money I need to make to catch up with the medical bills for myself, (her H) and all I need for to take care of (horse).You are a very busy person and do not need to be burdened with me. The fears I face today are not all horse related. It is my self esteem and other personal problems that I battle today.

I have made a fool out of myself and I am very disappointed in myself for causing so many people so many problems and stress. Not only have I taken advantage of you, but (horse club) has too.

When would be a good time to talk with you and to come over to see (horse).I would like to come Sunday to see (horse), after Church, for a while. Yes, I will be there.

Thank you.