well...I was actually gonna say that was a good job about the tilting head thing. Because, one, if she had opened up, she probably would have started crying..not entirely a good thing right now as it may put pressure on him. and two, because she was honest and didn't say "nothing", and told him what it was when she was ready. I think doing it in the text allowed her to keep her expectations at zero, and the fact that she said no response needed, let him off the hook (which I think can be a good thing, depending where you are at in your sitch) and she didn't force him to feel guilty, she just spoke her feelings, and no blame was given.
but M from ten...I understand where your coming from too.
I think she did good though.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thanks for checking in. Funny, I have logged on several times this week, with absolutely nothing to say. I feel like I'm going through a period of transition, hopefully one of strength and self honor.
Mike, I get you. I txt'd H for the exact reason ST mentioned above. If he would have asked, I would have cried. I didn't want to. He has postured himself to not being open AT ALL to discussing anything to do with us. Right now, with this DB technique of no R talk, it's no wonder he's much happier and joyful.
HOWEVER, I'm coming to realize it's sending me to a darker place, not conducive to enjoyment of life.
WTF
Off to the weekend. More soccer games, dinner w/friends and boathing. Joy. Game face on. Tired of a game face. At least it's getting thinner! LOL
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
No R talks... it is taking the pressure off him, and making him more comfortable. Obviously, at some point in time, there has to be an R talk. The trick will be figuring out when. I'm not at all sure what to say about that.
Please send some special prayers to Stacy. She could use them. I'm not sure how much she wants said, so I'm not going to say much, for now.
Tired of the same ol' same ol'. Starting THIS am, I've decided to turn the tables a bit.
H peeks one eye out from under a t-shirt he's put over his head. (I've taken the kids to school, walked w/friends, etc...) I'm now getting ready to shower, etc... Has some semi-sarcastic question about hearing all of the noise going on in here? Me? "No, I didn't hear a thing." (Normally, I would apologize, engage him to talk more, etc... F*ck no. We're moving down a NEW tunnel, starting this am!)
H makes another semi-sarcastic comment about me being really "out" when he came to bed last night, and I was lightly snoring, so he nudged me a few times, and I finally stopped. Me? "Must have been in the air, because I did the same to you." H asks, "Why didn't you tell me?" Me? "Because I choose not to allow petty things become a complaint."
More of me getting clothing out, etc... ZERO engaging...
I come out, hair done, make-up on, clothed (cute, too, I might add!). H says, "Geesh, what were you doing in there?????" Me? "Getting ready." H says, "ALL that time?" Me? "If you needed to get in the bathroom, the door's always unlocked, and I have never had issues with you being in there when I'm getting ready, or just being present. In fact, I enjoy it."
I walk out of the room. Again, ZERO engaging beyond answering his 'tude!
H follows me... (nice voice) "Wasn't that funny last night at dinner when...? Me? "Yes, very." H, again... "How about when....? Me? "Oh, yea, silly."
I keep walking into the hallway. H asks, "Where are you going now?" Me? "Into the next room to work." H asks, "Oh, yea, then where?" Me? "Well, I have all sorts of things to do."
He hangs... I add, "Do you need something? H? "No." I say, "Well, then do you mind not following me around? I feel like thedog has a twin!"
My phone rings. I grab it, QUICKLY! "Oh, HI, NEIL! Hahahaha Gosh, you are so awesome. I can't believe the genius you've displayed! How do I repay you? ahhhahahah" H walks in when I'm done... I ask, "YES?" H says, "Nothing, I'm showering." Me? "OK."
This is what he'll get this week. New approach. Me? COMPLETELY not engaging him. Cute, polite, and reactionary conversation only.
Doesn't hurt to have male's calling in his presence either. AND, with me laughing and complimenting them. (He doesn't have to know the dude on the other end is some smelly German w/the worst breath known to man!)
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
although when I read this, I'm reading it like your being snide, or kinda rude. perhaps that was not your tone, but the words seems to suggest it. I do like how he was following you around, but as an example, you say "well, then do you mind not following me around?..."
So how did he respond to that?
If he's not getting irritated or angry, then it may be a good thing to try, but just be careful so it's not on the verge of being rude. You still want to be mysterious, but more like playing hard to get.
was I misreading the tone?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Just be careful as you can see by my situation this did not work it had the opposite effect and now look at the position I am in, so just tread lightly with the change. You don't want to be where I am.
I understand the need to shake things up a little and break the cycles. Looking at the same thing myself!
For me, I have found if I make about 30% of the level of change I would like to make at one time it seems to have more impact with less misunderstandings.
What direction are you aiming to take things so you know when you end up there?
PS - looking foward to hitting the roped off area of your cellar when it works for us both!
I think I could soften it a bit. The not engaging part worked, though. Mostly because, H is a talker (not about anything personal thought) and so am I, so if I'm not engaging him, it's odd. I know I probably looked sad, so he was chasing me down to see if I was ok. You see, I know he doesn't want me sad, but, apparently, he doesn't want me happy either! If I'm the same ol' W, doing what he needs and wants for the home and kids, then all is good w/him! But, if he sees me a bit sad, he tries to change it, but not make me happy.
Does that make sense?
Well, word to the H, I'm NOT happy (in regards to us). I have a great, fulfilling life in so many ways, but HE has created this void in my heart. I say HE now, because I feel like I've done everything I can to help this situation. How about some forgiveness for my apologies and sincere efforts, and move on, OR NOT!?
Staying together for the kids, and me "behaving" and not stirring the pot is totally working for him.
God! Blech.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I bet if H found DR book, he'd fly to CO and kiss Michelle on the mouth for the peace he has now. I'm not bothering him w/M talk. I'm not crying to him. I'm not pleading. I'm not showering him w/unwanted affection. I'm not doing anything BUT what he wants. Taking care of his "life" and kids, and minding my business.
I am a freakin' PEACH of a wife!
I feel like a piece of sh*t.
I'm making an appointment w/ a coach.
Last edited by mindfull; 09/22/0903:31 PM.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
