And I've dreaded being called controlling and manipulating if I decided to say a word about any of it.
how did that work for you?
It sucked!
So what is your solution to avoid repeating this? This is a big issue for you and your marriage.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
At this point, I'm just doing my own thing and she's doing hers.
ANYTHING that I say about my thoughts, feelings, etc either shuts her down or sets her off. I have tried to address things in a different way. Tried to be uber sweet. Made sure I wasn't demanding. Tried to E-mail instead of face to face talk. I haven't had a lot of success here though.
I have recently just let her do her own thing. She knows how I feel on most things. She does the things that I hate just to "show me" that she can. Funny thing is that when I don't say a word about it she seems to lose her motivation for doing these things. If I continue to keep mum, she ends up feeling guilty.
Suggestions? Thoughts? Am I missing something? (I've been known to miss things right in front of my own face)
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Simple. If she does something (her behavior) that bothers you then bring it up. Very calmly, state the boundary and the consequence for breaking it. Lot's of info on the web about setting boundaries.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'll read more about it. ANY time I have even started bringing up something that bothers me though it shuts her down or sets her off though. I have heard "I'm sick of hearing what you want," and "It's always about you," so many times. Sometimes it gives her a roadmap of what she will do next. The very thing that I have asked her not to do!
I have had a habit in the past of not letting something go if it bothered me. I have gotten a lot better at that now.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
ANY time I have even started bringing up something that bothers me though it shuts her down or sets her off though. I have heard "I'm sick of hearing what you want," and "It's always about you," so many times
Give a specific example of what you said and why and her response.
There are always consequences.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It's really hard to think of specific examples right now. I'm all weird at the moment. I will have to make a point to go back and review some of these times this weekend.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Funny thing is that when I don't say a word about it she seems to lose her motivation for doing these things. If I continue to keep mum, she ends up feeling guilty.
Suggestions? Thoughts? Am I missing something? (I've been known to miss things right in front of my own face)
That's your answer, I think. If you have had trouble letting things go in the past (I do this too) then do a 180 - don't say a word. The lack of reaction seems to change her behavior.
W called as I was leaving work on Friday. She told me she was going out of town to her parent's house for the weekend. (4 hrs away). It was kind of a surprise. We had a movie that we talked about watching this weekend. She gave me a hug before she left. Interesting. She called only twice to talk to S over the weekend and didn't even call Saturday night to talk to S. On one of her calls though, we chatted for a few minutes. Good, upbeat, "what are your plans for the day" kind of stuff.
(yes I know she was at her parent's house...caller ID and S went from talking to W to talking to his cousins that were there)
S and I had a good lazy weekend together. Worked on a lot around the house. The feeling changed when W got home though. IT seemed like she was "on" again. I say this when it seems like she is trying a little too hard to be the cool kid in school. She has done this a lot since this all started. She starts acting a little too happy (singing, dancing, talking about her great weekend, blasting mushc, gabbing with GF, and texting up a storm)
As soon as she got home I just didn't want to be there anymore.
While my S was playing with neighbor kids, I was talking to their mom this weekend. It was disturbing to hear that back in May my W was at her house smoking up a storm and getting drunk. I remember the night vividly. It was the first time she came home and told me she wanted a D. She was so full or anger. It's hard to see my W being this way. She has always been the "Good Girl" and is trying so hard to not be that person anymore.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I am reflecting on last week when W was looking at real estate online. She made a point to tell me she felt it was going to be temporary.
When I was talking to neighbor yesterday she told me she talked to W and W told her she was moving out for a little while too. It seems as if W really feels, or is trying to convince herself, that this is temporary and something she "needs."
I've been feeling pretty detached, but the impromptu weekend trip, followed by making only enough dinner for her and S last night (when I came down to eat she said..."Oh, I didn't know you were hungry") really hit me with a sense of rejection that I didn't think I was subject to at this point.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
