Interesting GIMA. I'll have to process this and see if I agree. The problem as I see it is we, the LBS, have made major changes in our lives. At the same time the WAS as avoided any type of change. As there is always to sides to the story one party is moving forward while the other is standing still. Until such a time that the other party starts to address the real issues what is the hope of reconciliation?
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
She's angry, insulting, hurtful, has different morals and values than she used to (claims she was always this way, I just didn't know it).
I have no interest in spending the rest of my life with her the way she is now. If I think that she is going through a horrible time and we will go through a great deal of personal growth together from this and end up closer than ever I want to keep going. It's hard to see that right now though.
Funny that I keep getting called too logical and not emotional enough (most men are) when it's the logical part that's keeping me going at this point.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Interesting GIMA. I'll have to process this and see if I agree. The problem as I see it is we, the LBS, have made major changes in our lives. At the same time the WAS as avoided any type of change. As there is always to sides to the story one party is moving forward while the other is standing still. Until such a time that the other party starts to address the real issues what is the hope of reconciliation?
The deal as I see it is that from the day the bomb is dropped, we LBS's are playing catch-up. The WAS has already detached from a long time leading up to the bomb day. Once detached, and fueled by negative emotions for which they blame the LBS (some valid, some not), the WAS can make the announcement that they are "done," "ILYBNILWY," and so forth. So, we LBS's then start the proceess, after getting over the initial "shock and awe", the WAS has already completed - detachment.
IMO (and after learning from Coach), our goal is to work on ourselves and get ahead of our WAS's by detaching. It is only from that perspective (if you aren't the lead dog, the view never changes) that teh LBS can begin to lead the M and create an environment where the WAS thinks it's worth working on the M. Maybe by this point, the LBS has begun to see things objectively and sees aspects of the WAS the LBS does not like and will not tolerate in the future. I think this is normal. Along with this comes doubting the MR. Again, normal. But, until the WAS is ready to work on the M, it is not time to address those concerns or issues (boundary line issues excluded obviously).
The big difference I see b/w the WAS and the LBS who has caught up with and passed (hopefully) the WAS is precisely what you point out - the LBS has not only detached, but has also made major changes to improve themselves. The WAS, most times, has simply detached without "doing the work." Perhaps this is why the changes in the LBS confuse the WAS.
Until the WAS is lured back into a state of wanting to work on the M, reconciliation will not happen. (Sort of begs the question of what is the definition of "reconciled" but that's a whole other ball of wax).
So, the issue seems to be whether the LBS is willing to "do the work" to create the possibility the WAS will want to work on the M. This is what we all signed up for when we started DB'ing. Maybe the M is saved, maybe not. But, we have to be the ones to carry the water and do the work until the WAS is ready to hop back in the canoe and help paddle.
She's angry, insulting, hurtful, has different morals and values than she used to (claims she was always this way, I just didn't know it).
This is good. She has a lot of anger/hurt/frustration bottled up inside. She NEEDS to get it out, and venting it on you is the only way that's going to happen. That's why it's so important to validate what she complains about.
Do you have any suggestions on how I can be supportive without coming off as trying to "fix" her?
listen, agree with her (validate her feelings)
read what is going on over at Thinkers thread.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks GIMA. So if I get what your saying once we have arrived at this point (ILYB) we are on equal footing as the WAS. Then we just keep going in the direction we set forth. If the WAS chooses to follow good, if not good. Either way we have become better for the experience.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
So if I get what your saying once we have arrived at this point (ILYB) we are on equal footing as the WAS.
Not really so much equal footing as ahead of them. I like to think WAS has detached and the LBS, at this point, has detached PLUS made changes to be happy for themselves.
If the WAS comes back, then good (if that is what the LBS still wants). If the WAS does not come back, that's ok too, b/c LBS is this new and improved, AND HAPPY/FULFILLED person just like they are. At that point, it's the WAS's loss.
