Is there something I could or should do to give her just a tiny signal or lifeline though? Probably just my insecurities talking, but I worry she's throwing in the towel because I seem so distant, and that she thinks I could never forgive her. Her mother says I should tell her I could forgive her. I resist pro-actively doing that. Why doesn't she ask me?
I think whatever happens in the next few weeks is going to define our entire R moving forward and I don't want to screw it up. If I let her off the hook too early, I fear I will lose all the respect I've worked so hard to regain, and thus doom our chances. Nor can I hold her actions against her too long though. Ugh! I am a blind man trying to thread a needle!
Hi Future! Found you! I think that you have a really good chance here. But realize that you have gotten where you are by doing what works, dont stop now!
I understand what your saying about letting her off the hook, maybe you could let your actions show you that you can forgive her... after all, would you be allowing a relationship to grow between the two of you if you werent willing to forgive her? If it were to come up later, after a reconciliation, maybe it would be ok to tell her that you forgive her, but now I think that it may disrupt her building respect for you.
I think that if you can afford it now would be a good time to call a DB coach.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Good to hear from you! Yeah, as my situation changed, I thought I'd start a new thread. I have been following yours, although I haven't had any great insight for you lately. Your H seems to be in such a "dead" place. I think you're doing what's right for you. Although there are similarities in all our situations, it's amazing how they are different too. The thing about mine that gives me hope is that my W still seems so emotionally connected to me. She was in real pain as she packed up her stuff in the house, and this is now 8 months after she moved out. Better yet, she wanted to tell me about it, see how I felt, then share some precious memories from our history. I think if she is willing to believe we would be different now, she'll come back to me in a heartbeat.
I've been thinking just what you said. I've been showing her I can forgive her by maintaining, and even growing, our R through this whole thing. She can see I still care about her, and that I enjoy her company. I engage her in conversation, and I flirt with and tease her. Not exactly the acts of a man who feels he has been unforgivably wronged. I've consistently told her that I know I had a part in all of this, and that I blame myself too.
Hmmm... hadn't thought about calling a DB coach. Not a bad idea. I'll consider it. Thanks!
Something remarkable happened. When transitioning the kids today, my W and I were working out some of the minor expenses the kids are incurring due to school and sports. We did fine with all that, and after we were done she said "H, I want to tell you that I wasn't a equal partner in our finances before. I see that now, and I want to tell you I'm sorry." She was very contrite. Again, I was blown away. Money was a HUGE issue in our M. I tried and tried to get my W to control her spending, but no matter what I did, she couldn't stop. She always portrayed me as just being unreasonably tight with money. I eventually got extremely resentful and passive agressive about it. For her to admit it was her fault, and apologize is enormous movement.
I was so affected by it that I asked her to go with me into the other room, away from the kids. I told her that it meant very much to me for her to say that. We hugged long and hard. She then said "Now that I have to run my own household, I understand what it must have been like for you to have someone always bleeding you dry. I would have been angry too." I said "But I didn't handle it like I should have. I should have had more compassion instead of anger." She disagreed and defended me. There we were, each defending the other. Wow. We hugged again long and hard. Of course she had to throw in "But it doesn't change the other things." I just ignored that.
I felt a great weight off my shoulders after that. My mood was previously fine, but now it was great. I had lived for so many years feeling so taken for granted financially. We went to say goodbye, and I felt more affection for her than in many years. In fact, it had been so long, I had forgotten how great it could feel. I looked at her and with 100% sincerity said "You have an awesome day!" We hugged again long and hard. She looked happy and said "You too."
Then I had the strangest realization. I realized how far apart we had gotten. The genuine affection I felt for her was so unfamiliar, it changed my view of where we need to get. Now I know why we are apart. That's how we should feel all the time, or nearly so. All this time I've thought we were good together. Now I know we still really aren't. We still have so much healing to do before we're ready to reconcile.
Wow future. Does this change your goals? Have you had contact with her since then? I could imagine the two of you needing a day or two to sort through the talk.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
bluerain - I haven't had much contact since, except for some kid stuff. In fact, she's been mighty quiet. As usual, my feelings were to keep going with it and reconnect with her. When I realize she doesn't want to, I feel let down. Oh well, that's par for the course these days. She needs more time, and I fear OM is still involved, confusing her even more.
As for my goals, yes this does change things. I now know I need to keep working on healing myself, and keep giving her opportunities to express her healing to me. I now have a better idea where we need to get. I'm both excited and frustrated at the same time, because I realized how good it can be, but how far away we still are.
Now tonight the kids and I are watching the football game (good game!), and she calls to talk to the kids, then wants to talk to me. She says the kids sound very happy. I said we had a great day, and that they're happy because I gave them Doritos to eat while watching the game. Then she says she wishes she could be there with us. I was silent in reply. What am I supposed to say to that?
Later after the kids were in bed she texted me the most vulnerable message. She commented on her favorite team, then asked how my favorite team was doing so far this season, and put a smiley face at the end. It was the most blatant "Have mercy on me, I'm lonely" text message I've ever gotten. I actually got a little emotional when I saw it. She was soooo reaching out to me. I couldn't ignore it, so I sent her an amusing little response. Probably a mistake, but I'm human.
It seems like there are two big parts of DBing. Assuming the M was quite bad and the WAS is justified in their unhappiness, the LBS must show consistent behavior that leads the WAS to believe things could be different. If there is an A involved, the LBS needs to establish clear boundaries, and cut most contact with the WAS, forcing them to feel the consequences of their decisions.
In my case, my W wanted to feel more pursued and cherished for who she is. I don't blame her for that. Of course she found that with OM. I am constantly bouncing back and forth against the two DBing strategies. They seem so at odds with each other. When my W reaches out to me, and I ignore or rebuff her, I feel like I'm just validating her unhappiness with me in our M. If I connect with her and/or pursue her a little, I feel I'm sabotaging my DBing efforts by allowing her to cake eat. It's infuriating!!! My wife, the woman I love, calls me and says she wishes she could be there with us watching the game, and I give her no reply. Truth be known, I could tell by her voice she wasn't expecting a reply, but I still feel like I'm in a lose lose situation.
How do I walk that line? Should I even try to, or should I pick one strategy and just go with it?
Man I hear you. I think she is playing you just like I get played sometimes. They want just enough rope to know that it is still there. Just a tug. Makes it 10X worse when there is OM involved. I wish you the best.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
Previously I felt I was being played. Now it feels more authentic. I have become the pro-active one pushing for our legal separation, which is the first step to divorce, and it has her questioning everything. I know she doesn't want to move back, but she doesn't want to lose me. I can't tolerate this limbo forever. If she was willing to totally give up OM, and tell me she wants me back, I'd be willing to discuss a new future for us, with us living separately for quite some time, then eventually a new house for us all to have a fresh start in. I think she'd be enthusiastic about that possibility, but I can't be the one to offer it. She has to take the first step. She keeps dropping little hints along those lines, but won't just come out take that step.
