Hey Gucci, Puppy, RobX and Coach!

[iwantittowork]

Actually, my W is very pretty, but she is far from perfect. My W is a normally passive personality who is currently acting out in a passive-aggressive manner. She does not like conflict and is generally a path of least resistance type of person. Basically her M.O. is to get me to hate her and to react the way she wants me to in order for me- not her- to do all the dirty work towards a D. Also, she needs me to get angry and hate her so she can feed off of it, work towards hating me more while justifying breaking up with me.

I just reread this part, and this is EXACTLY what my W is doing as well. I have hesitated at filing the D, as this is EXACTLY what she wants me to be doing.

How do you deal with this, when you know it is why she is pushing you?

The only thing I could think of was to really push for EVERYTHING in the D, as she has in her head the 'perfect plan' and 'fantasy' of what life during/after D will be.

Thoughts?

[Orich]

That sounds a lot like my W, too. I think she is doing things now designed to get me angry at her to justify her dissatisfaction with the M. We never fought in our marriage, always avoided it. Now she is removing me and my family from her facebook friends list and not wearing her rings at home. So far I haven't reacted to those things, but wonder if I should and how.

[BigJohn]

I'm sorry to hear about the S agreement your H is working on Hope. Keep your chin up, you really are off to a good start. I know the changes you are trying to make aren't easy or comfortable, but that will change with time. Once you reach your final destination with these changes you will be amazed at how much stronger and better you will have become. Hopefully your H will eventually notice and that will be the beginning of the end to his nonsense.

Hang in there!

[BigJohn]

Wow, I needed these posts today so much. Thank you all, BigJohn, I am near to your sitch, and contemplating filing for D myself when I get back from Business trip.

I waffle on this from time to time, but the more I stay in 'limbo' land the more my W seems to care less about me or how her actions affect the household.

Take charge time guys. Keep it up!

IWITW,

I've been checking out your sitch as well. It is a tough situation our W's are putting us in. As you know, I did not want to file for D but had to in order to defend myself. It really in many ways comes down to survival- looking at the big picture and how my W's behavior is affecting EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I simply don't have the luxury to allow this behavior to continue nor is it particularly healthy, I think, to be in extended limbo. Regarding your W caring less and less about your sitch, mine is the same way. I don't know if she is just numb to it all and/or has simply gotten to comfortable and/or accepting with the way things are.

Thanks for the feedback and stopping by. I'm glad folks like you are benefiting from my sitch and the exchanges on this and my other thread over in WAS.

[BigJohn]

I just reread this part, and this is EXACTLY what my W is doing as well. I have hesitated at filing the D, as this is EXACTLY what she wants me to be doing.

How do you deal with this, when you know it is why she is pushing you?

The only thing I could think of was to really push for EVERYTHING in the D, as she has in her head the 'perfect plan' and 'fantasy' of what life during/after D will be.

Thoughts?

That sounds a lot like my W, too. I think she is doing things now designed to get me angry at her to justify her dissatisfaction with the M. We never fought in our marriage, always avoided it. Now she is removing me and my family from her facebook friends list and not wearing her rings at home. So far I haven't reacted to those things, but wonder if I should and how.

IWITW/Orich,

My original defense to my W's behavior was to do a 180, let go of the anger and resentment, work towards detachment (and on myself) and hunker down for the long haul. If you've followed my sitch, you will recall that my W is underemployed and we have now developed financial issues that cannot be ignored. My W chooses to let this and every other issue be MY problem instead of OUR problem. My W's focus is on working out, working on her tan, her A with OM, having fun and vacationing. The financial issues have not only stymied my efforts to fully detach but have also created a situation where we cannot afford a physical S. My W knows that the financial situation is where I am completely vulnerable and therefore is using it as a wedge.

When I tried to push the physical S issue with her to make progress on that front and to get her a$$ engaged with the financial situation, she came home with D paperwork from the courthouse. That is when I turned around and filed for D the next day.

I would say that if you don't have any wedge issues where you are vulnerable and you can healthfully detach you may be able to continue a defense similar to the one I've employed up until now. But even if you can keep it going, you are still looking at the potential of a protracted period of limbo which in my mind is not healthy. So in that sense, I think there is some benefit to getting real with my W now and having to force her to learn about all of the negative consequences of her actions and a D. And truthfully, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I didn't hurt my sitch by not reacting more aggressively early on BEFORE my W acclimated to her WAW behavior and things like filing for D lost it's "shock value".

Hopefully with the help of the the guys on the title of this thread we can all get some good ideas on handling our WAWs and their passive-aggressive behavior towards us.

Thanks for the feedback. You guys are in my prayers. Orich, man I relate to you, we are a lot alike. It is easy for us to be misunderstood as guys not having self respect, etc. when nothing could be further from the truth. We just love our W's and families so much we will sacrifice big time for them, no matter how painful it might be. People just don't understand how a lion like me could take $h*t from a lamb like my W, but I'm sure you do. It ain't easy.

Take care guys.

[Sam1007]

I would say that if you don't have any wedge issues where you are vulnerable and you can healthfully detach you may be able to continue a defense similar to the one I've employed up until now. But even if you can keep it going, you are still looking at the potential of a protracted period of limbo which in my mind is not healthy. So in that sense, I think there is some benefit to getting real with my W now and having to force her to learn about all of the negative consequences of her actions and a D. And truthfully, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I didn't hurt my sitch by not reacting more aggressively early on BEFORE my W acclimated to her WAW behavior and things like filing for D lost it's "shock value".

BJ,

I've employed a strategy similar to yours in my sitch and I don't have any wedge issues where I am vulnerable as you mentioned. In a nutshell, my sitch is almost a year of living together after the bomb, mostly doing the wrong things, even though I was GAL'ing (hadn't read DR yet at that point). Now 14 months S, of which about 11 of DB'ing. I guess the difference with your sitch is that my W is not trying to get me to hate her. She's actively trying to be best friends. I have done a good job at detaching in a lot of aspects. She's noticed (wrote me this in emails) that I have been doing great, I am looking great, making lots of friends, men and women, etc.. But her conclusion from that is that she must have been the problem, so it confirms that we should D, because that would be better for me. This has been her position for the last 6 months.

Lately, I have been distancing myself more from her and pushed through the school preference that I had for our boys, told her that if she's sure she wants a D then go ahead and file the paperwork... It has made a change, as she's calling me almost daily, lots of times about trivial stuff, seems like an excuse for calling.

Where am I going with this? I guess your remark about wondering if doing this type of stuff earlier would have been more effective than now. I have been wondering the same thing.

[iwantittowork]

My original defense to my W's behavior was to do a 180, let go of the anger and resentment, work towards detachment (and on myself) and hunker down for the long haul. If you've followed my sitch, you will recall that my W is underemployed and we have now developed financial issues that cannot be ignored. My W chooses to let this and every other issue be MY problem instead of OUR problem. My W's focus is on working out, working on her tan, her A with OM, having fun and vacationing. The financial issues have not only stymied my efforts to fully detach but have also created a situation where we cannot afford a physical S. My W knows that the financial situation is where I am completely vulnerable and therefore is using it as a wedge.

Wow. Just Wow. This is exactly the same as my sitch. I am currently working the proverbial 'paycheck to paycheck' because of where we are financially, and my W could care less. She's been working on buffing her body, hair, wax, skin, new fake boobs, and now telling me a guy is asking her out from her gym... She's also 'staying at home taking care of my d8' according to her...

On the plus side, if I decide to D now, my finances are somewhat insulated by the fact of where we are, and I could come out ok in the end if we sell our house. That's a big IF though, and a roll of the dice for me.

I just don't see any other choices right now, and why I chimed in on your thread. I Need to re-read your WAS thread and catch up to where you are.

Man, it's eerie how close some of these sitch's are.

[BigJohn]

She's actively trying to be best friends.

Well that's very nice of her. Between trying to get me to hate her, my W has commented that "it will be good after we D because then we can become good friends again".

I have done a good job at detaching in a lot of aspects. She's noticed (wrote me this in emails) that I have been doing great, I am looking great, making lots of friends, men and women, etc.. But her conclusion from that is that she must have been the problem, so it confirms that we should D, because that would be better for me. This has been her position for the last 6 months.

Admitting that she is the one with the problem is certainly a step in the right direction. Very altruistic of her to be concerned about her behavior being detrimental to your welfare. Why is she so adverse to a win-win situation- you know, the one where she gets to keep her good looking devoted husband? Or is there a OM in the picture?

Lately, I have been distancing myself more from her and pushed through the school preference that I had for our boys, told her that if she's sure she wants a D then go ahead and file the paperwork... It has made a change, as she's calling me almost daily, lots of times about trivial stuff, seems like an excuse for calling.

The phone calls sound like a possible good sign. Something I've been second guessing myself over lately is letting the kissing/sex go early on at my W's request to give her "space" and not pursue. Not sure if severing those physical/emotional bonding acts was the right move. Don't know your sitch Sam- are you still intimate with your W? If not, why not try to steer things in that direction with your W? Just an idea off the top of my head. No pun intended.

Where am I going with this? I guess your remark about wondering if doing this type of stuff earlier would have been more effective than now. I have been wondering the same thing.

You know, the two biggest variables in my sitch have been OM and our financial problems. If I didn't have these two variables to contend with my original approach might have been more effective.

[BigJohn]

Wow. Just Wow. This is exactly the same as my sitch. I am currently working the proverbial 'paycheck to paycheck' because of where we are financially, and my W could care less. She's been working on buffing her body, hair, wax, skin, new fake boobs, and now telling me a guy is asking her out from her gym... She's also 'staying at home taking care of my d8' according to her...

On the plus side, if I decide to D now, my finances are somewhat insulated by the fact of where we are, and I could come out ok in the end if we sell our house. That's a big IF though, and a roll of the dice for me.

I just don't see any other choices right now, and why I chimed in on your thread. I Need to re-read your WAS thread and catch up to where you are.

Man, it's eerie how close some of these sitch's are.

IWITW,

I agree, the similarities in many of our sitches are crazy. I'm glad you, I and others are finding this out and comparing notes. That way we can find out together what strategies work best for our sitches and which don't. Maybe if we light up this thread more we can attract a lot of attention and get some more feedback from the big guns noted above as well as others.

NOTE TO DB COACHES LURKING ABOUT: How about throwing a couple of bones to us poor pauper LBHs?!

[Butterfly1]

Thank you, BJ.