Thank you SOOOOOOO much for this post (and give BF a great BIG kiss for sharing! --- you don't have to tell him that's what it is for ). I have read this post over again and again. I think I am going to have it laminated. I've been missing male companionship and have been struggling with whether or not to call a man who gave me his phone number a couple weeks ago. Frustrated with H because the 1 year anniversary of the bomb and 3 year wedding anniversary is approaching in 2 1/2 weeks and divorce is due to be final in 2 1/2 months....but I think that the universe is telling me to continue DB'ing. I received a number of 'signs' over the last 2 days to continue, with your conversation with BF among them. (Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
he says it will never happen again, that he made a terrible, insane decision (to leave and then another, to date nightmare ow) and from that 2 years, he has learnt "a million things"
I guess that since we have all been working so hard to figure out 'what went wrong' I've been guilty of thinking that our walk-aways just had their heads 'stuck in the sand'...but your BF and other walk-aways say that they DO learn while on their own, so it appears that it can happen.
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
a culmination point of years of low self esteem and being a people pleaser and silently seething at not being "listened to"
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
If you are unhappy with something, but act like you are fine, you are not being honest and true to yourself and you cant expect others to read your mind!
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
I had stopped listening to him, or respecting his decisions at least and he didnt handle that well - instead of telling me, he "gave up" (again thats his depression he says now) and saw things in a very negative way and he says now it was insane, but he felt I didn't love him!
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
So in terms of those triggers, I am careful to let him make decisions now, I am gentler and actively listen, as they call it. If that helps!
All of the quotes above really resonated with my situation, so thank you VERY much for sharing that information to all of us.
Hey kat.. its soooo hard not to ask stuff sometimes, but I do bite my tongue more times than not. The convo we had was literally as I typed above and then I changed the subject, so maybe a minute out a week?
GAG - I really wanted to post stuff to help, even if it is just one person at least, because I really dont know what I would have done without this board and DBing and being able to post every night to people around the world that made me smile and laugh, often. I wanted to try and give some answers, although I know all sitches are different. Still, I think there are common threads and principles amongst us. Interesting you say it really resonated?
Last night he added more.. he said he was "mental" at that time. I said, do you really think that? He said yes, he felt mental and he isnt anymore, that it was for quite a while and the way he behaved and decisions he took were "madness". I am also no longer wearing makeup or smart clothes all the time and got back into my yoga pants some nights.. I was very worried about this and said I felt worried, but he insisted last night I no longer need to worry like taht, that its my home and I am just relaxing at home and thats normal and how it shuold be and anyway, I always look lovely.. in fact its "wearing" that I keep worrying when I really dont have to, he wants me to be reassured.
Its so hard to be ok, when I think back, I never ever thought he would leave me and I trusted him 100%. Now I look at him and I wonder if I ever really would feel that secure again, or perhaps just not yet hey.
Al, please enjoy the life you have. I know its hard to deal with the scar, I am sure it will fade as time passes by...
Bring back some joy and happiness in your life. No talks, no worries, some pure fun (sexual or plain)... Read the love bank theory, remember the 5LL, BULD on what you have, dont just sit there and wish things were as they were. NO matter what he says, something wasnt perfect back then. You had enough time analysing things, make wiser choices... Love M
Hey girls! its wierd, it feels like a scar, but already I forget often that he went out with someone else for 8 months in the middle of our longterm R!! Wierd huh. I think its just I post here the "db" stuff, or bad stuff, but you are right and we are having lots of fun...I make time for him, we are together every day and we have gotton into this habit of waking up very early every day and having tea and toast in bed, a cuddle and chat, Millie the cat gets in bed with us.. we get up later and later, rush home to see each other, listen to music, then I make sure to surprise him with interesting new things, like last night I booked badminton for us and the night before swimming, or nights out with friends and we cook yummy meals for each other.
Its these things that make me so grateful and is a 180 on the life we led before. I NEVER woke up with him (which upset him). I had no interest in sport. I stopped arranging nights out. Our lives are better for the bomb and S and we are happier and so for that, I am glad he left me..I just wish he hadnt dated her..
Talking of wise choices K.. we need to find a place to holiday in Greece!! We both want to combine the holiday with a visit to Athens, partly to meet you (yay!) and partly as its one the greatest cities in the world we both want to visit and have never been to. He was thinking Stoupa, but I think maybe Tollo.. or maybe one of the islands off Athens.. what do you think? We must talk !
Stoupa is where H went to that villa with the jaccuzi and had a romantic getaway...
We need to talk yes. Not Tolo!!!! Bliax!! Maybe Hydra, close to Athens and wonderful!!! Or Spetses... Fly to AThens and take a one hour ferry to these places... Google it!! K
Ali, I am so excited to read your most recent post. "What you focus on expands", right? I love about your changes of waking up together and playing badminton. I love how they are 180s but totally organic and authentic to you now. So of course things will come up and still be unsettled, but focus on what is working for both of you--so joyfully--and Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!!! LOVE T
Ali, I agree with transformer and really appreciate you sharing examples of the changes that you have made to build a stronger relationship foundation with BF.
Originally Posted By: transformer
I love how they are 180s but totally organic and authentic to you now.
Your examples give me concrete ideas of activities that would have meant a lot to my H (one of my H's LLs is quality time).
My H grew up with an alcoholic mother and a father who used his work as an excuse to avoid the chaos at home. My H was essentially abandoned by both his parents. I now realize that he has been grieving this his entire life. Everyone sees him as a confident, successful, outgoing, gregarious guy who would do anything for his friends. My sister and I never guessed the sad, shamed 'boy' that was inside him. Your comments about BF's thought processes ("silently seething at not being listened to", "instead of telling me, he "gave up".....(and) felt I didn't love him") have given me valuable insights into my H's thought processes. I thank you and BF VERY much for your gift of understanding!!!
Over the last week I have spent a lot of time listening to Dr. Daniel Amen's CDs about his brain imaging findings. In a previous career I did medical research, so his work is very interesting to me and seems legitimate. I'd like to share a few points with you that gave me insight (and compassion) for my H and might do the same for you with BF:
An area of the brain called the cingulate gyrus (CG) is often overactive in children who grew up in alcoholic households. The CG is the brain's "gear-shifter". It allows for flexibility and cooperation. People with overactive CGs appear selfish on the outside, but they are really just inflexible. They tend to worry, hold grudges, and they get stuck in certain mental thoughts. For example, you may have made one negative comment in the context of many positive comments, but the person with an overactive CG tends to focus on the one negative comment and in their mind, they heard you say it 1000 times. At the moment that they are responding to this criticism, they are feeling a level of hurt that is disproportionate to the criticism. They are out of control. Could this be what BF is referring to when he says he was 'mental'?
Overactivity in the CG is associated with a deficit in serotonin. ADs increase levels of serotonin but there are other natural ways to increase serotonin as well, and these are things you could incorporate into your routine. Dr. Amen talks about these on his CDs. For example, high carbohydrate foods (e.g. pasta) and exercise increase serotonin.
I'm writing this to you because you or someone reading along might find some of this helpful in preventing triggers from breaking down communication in the future. Hope there is a nugget you might be able to use in this.
One, the scar will always be w/you and although I pray that you'll be able to feel 100% confident w/BF in the future, the fact that he should always need to "prove" himself to you is his pennance for straying. I'm not saying you'll never be completely at ease, but you'll have your moments and in those moments, it is BF's job to go out of his way to reassure you of his love and committment.
That I see as natural and human.
Two: be careful w/BF's quick dismissal of going to therapy. I realize I'm a huge proponent of it, but I also know that none of us are experts in that field, so in my opinion, you'd be very wise to always keep tht door ajar in case you need to explore it either as individuals or a couple in the future.
). I have read this post over again and again. I think I am going to have it laminated. 
I've been missing male companionship and have been struggling with whether or not to call a man who gave me his phone number a couple weeks ago. Frustrated with H because the 1 year anniversary of the bomb and 3 year wedding anniversary is approaching in 2 1/2 weeks and divorce is due to be final in 2 1/2 months....but I think that the universe is telling me to continue DB'ing. I received a number of 'signs' over the last 2 days to continue, with your conversation with BF among them. (Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!)