HELP!!! I need my DB brothers and sisters!

[ACJ]

MMF I feel your pain b/c it is also mine.

My D19 is away at uni and lives with her BF now. She wants nothing to do with her dad due to things he has said and done to her. However the other two are different thing.

My S17 has lived with STBXH for over a year now. I originally asked H to have him for a week b/c his behaviour was becoming more than I could tolerate and I needed a break. He never came home and IMHO never will. For whatever reason his dad has some sort of hold over him. The last twice he was supposed to come to see me he has let me down literally 5 mins before he was due to arrive. No explanation. I suspect H has something to do with it but can't prove it.

D14 now spends half her time with H. He definately ut pressure on her to do this at a time when he knew she and I weren't getting along too well. Within 24hrs of getting her to agree he had put in claims for benefits that I was entitled to. This was in March and I'm still fighting for them back. Interestingly this will have been around the time that his OW found out that she was pregnant. So it would seem like I'm supposed to pay for his new baby as well as the ones he already has with me.

As for talking to your kids about this then you must give it a go. I only hope you have better success than me. Whatever you say to them and no matter how much you tell them you aren't trying to guilt trip them they will feel guilty.

You are spot on about them knowing that you are the stable parent in thier life. They know that no matter how much they hurt you you will always be there for them. HOWEVER there comes a point when you have to stand back and say ENOUGH. YOU are entitled to respect and love just as much if not more than their mother. I'm at that point now.

For me it is the silence in the house that I literally cannot stnad. O've just had a week off work. It was supposed to be to spend some quality time with my kids. They didn't want that so I've barely seen them. The week before they wnet on holiday with their dad. They said they didn't want to go but did anyway to please him. I wasn't afforded the same respect when I tired to book a holiday for us a few weeks ago. He blackmailed them by saying if they didn't go he and OW would miss out on a holiday. Interestingly he and OW have already been abraod twice this year. This holdiay was only to an English seaside resort. As it turns out the only person who has missed out on a holiday is me.

I'll be honest I'm backing away from children b/c it hurts too much to be constantly rejected by them. I hope you never find yourslef in that place.

Take care

[Grace_O]

mmf,

I will not disagree that I am emotionally tied to my children. I have not detached from my XW as much as I had thought. At the same time, family is everything toI think what makes it more challenging when the kids are with the other parent is that we aren't together as a family.

Being emotionally tied to your kids is a great thing IMO. I know what you mean about the difference between them being at other activities and then not seeing them b/c they are living some place else. It's hard. I'm fortunate that I haven't had much of that...yet.

I know that we need to detach from our other halves, it seems to go against the grain to not go there. Like you, I haven't detached the way I probably should. However, I've got a great "gut" (as it were) and while it may be against common thought, I'm hangin' in there. "When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~Author Unknown

As for you being "daft"...hardly. I think you have terrific insight. Could you be wrong? Sure. Given the man you have shown yourself to be here over the years though, I doubt you will regret it.

If you ever need to "talk" you can always find me in FB.

HUGS

[happynow]

MMF,

I just read your post & my heart is hurting for you! I can't understand what you are going thru b/c I don't have kids, but I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you!

(((HUGS)))

[MrBond]

"I have tried to balance out showing her unconditional love while protecting my children."

That's the problem. She doesn't want to see your unconditional love. Let me put it to you this way. Have you showing your undying love for her worked?

No.

So do the opposite. Don't contact her and GAL. Get your kids back or confront her about how she is going behind your back to get your kids. She has to own up to the things she did. She doesn't get the chance to continue to walk all over your feelings.

The fact is that she doesn't respect you...period. Get that respect back by putting your foot down. Not getting angry, but laying down groundwork.

Did she leave for OM?

[missmyfriend]

ACJ
It is good to talk to you again. It has been a long time.

I am sorry what you are going through. I don't get it at all. I do believe, as my doctor (medical, not therapy) said, the kids will remember and they will appreciate you for what you have done. At the same time, it "sucks". I couldn't find a more accurate word.

The silence in the house that you described is maddening. It is one of the worst things you can experience when the kids leave before it is natural.

I don't know how I would handle being rejected by my children though. Are they really rejecting you or are they just wrapped up in whatever they are doing at the time? Have you spoken to them about how you feel?

I wanted to add that I do agree that no matter what I say, the kids will feel guilty. There is no way around it. They probably feel that way now without me saying anything but they are trying to recapture lost time with their mom while knowing the person that I am, I will (hopefully) be like the father of the prodigal son.

ACJ, don't give up on your children (not that you are). They have one parent that shows strength of character and the other one, selfishness. They may be attracted, temporarily, to the easy road of self centeredness but their mom showed what is really important. It may take several years but I think it is worth it.

I sometimes want to "run away" so I cannot be hurt anymore. I know that isn't the answer.

Grace
Detaching -- I think I have detached in the sense that I am handling the fact that my xw has someone else in her life, although I don't like to think about them being alone. I am trying to find that place where I can detach but I can work on our marriage without it being obvious. For the most part, I have simply not pried into her life and what she does. I do my own thing and treat her as a casual acquaintance.

Regarding going with your instincts in your R, I don't think anyone else can tell you when or what you should do. Plainly speaking, in the DivorceCare program, it recommends waiting to date according to the number of years after divorce so a person is ready to handle a new relationship. In the meantime, hopefully we are healing and changing things about ourselves so we don't take it into the next relationship and repeat an ugly cycle.

My "gut" is telling me to be patient. Now why would my gut tell me that since I am one of the most impatient people in existence?

Thanks, Grace, for the hugs! And are we already friends in FB? It is hard sometimes to know if we are with using different "names".

nlt

Hi! It's good to hear from you. I appreciate the hugs.

I am sorry for your sitch. I cannot believe your ex married the OW only months after your D! I can't help but think he made yet another huge mistake.

What are you going to do from here?

stuck
It may not sound like it but I respect your opinion. I do agree with you that she doesn't want anything from me, let alone unconditional love. Trust me when I say that letting her go, keeping my nose out of her business and not being harsh or judgmental regarding things she has done or is doing is showing unconditional love.

My undying love for her has not "worked" or at least it hasn't yet but that is the difference between unconditional love and conditional love. She doesn't have to do anything to earn it. Even if she would get "remarried", I would still love her, although it would not be in a husband/wife way.

It hurts that she doesn't show me respect or consideration. At the same time, I show her respect and consideration for multiple reasons. One is for my children. I want them to see that I will not resort to the same inconsiderate actions or words that others direct toward me. Another is for me. If I allow hate or other negative emotions in my heart, I have a challenge to have a place for love and forgiveness at the same time.

Coming from a guy that wouldn't take crap from anyone when he felt something right was being trampled on, turning the other cheek is much more difficult than getting even for what has been done to my children and to me. This is the ultimate 360 for me. My xw expects me to fight with her. She expects me to try and control the situation.

Look in cyberspace for "control freak" and there will probably be picture of me there as well.

My D was shocked (even 3 years later of seeing me change my temperament) when she accidentally dropped chewed gum on the outside of my car, making a tarry mess and I didn't become the Tasmanian Devil. I thought I had over reacted and apologized yesterday for how I had reacted to the incident that occurred a couple of weeks ago. Her response was that I was so casual about it she was shocked. She said it was a non-volatile reaction from me.

Don't misunderstand me. I stand up for myself in almost every other situation but now I think about things before I (over) react. If someone does me wrong regarding financial matters, I will discuss it with them and not stop discussing it until I either see it their way or get it resolved. Usually the latter.

When it comes to battling my xw, there will be no winners. Only losers. If my children are the casualties, then it injures me so grievously that it isn't worth it. Do they think I am being pushed around by her? I don't think so. I have conveyed enough, without causing them harm or providing more details than they should have, that I will not only show respect to their mom but expect them to as well. She deserves respect because of her position as mom, not because of her actions.

I cannot consider her someone who simply donated some eggs. I do know people who haven't done much more than that, as far as I know. My xw, on the other hand, was an incredible mom for at least 12 - 13 years, while I was an average dad, at best. What she has done, by leaving, is not okay and never will be.

I think you said more valuable things in your post such as not to contact her and to GAL. I agree. I only contact her with regards to the kids. No way around that. GAL. What does that mean? Is it the same for everyone? Does it mean to date others, join a club, travel?

While I do have some other activities, only a few are without my children. Even then, they have to do with personal improvement and being a better person and parent. I enjoy those activities.

Before they leave for college, I have my daughter less than 2 years; my son (14) for four years; and my youngest son (12) another six years. If I didn't have children, I could imagine being active in several different things. Since I do, I prefer to have activities that we can either share or I can assist with.

My dad, even though he had time, didn't spend quality time with me or my sister. He was so focused on his "fun" and being upset with my mom from leaving him (and she didn't want to but he was so self absorbed and allowed his anger to control him, making him hard to live with), we didn't have a good relationship.

I love to play chess. I am, in no way, a master at the game but as in the game, I strategize how I want my life to play out. I work my way backwards from my goal to the present and try to figure out my moves until I can reach my eventual goal.

My goal is to look back, when I am old and gray (well I am already graying, lol) and not regret the time I spent with my kids and how I treated everyone in life. I didn't always do that. Before my wife left, I would allow panic to set it and react to situations automatically. In many cases, everything turned out better than I had expected and most things that I thought were negative turned out okay.

While I still make plenty of mistakes, I would rather err on the side of being too nice or allowing someone to think they got the best of me, than worry about how I was treated. I would hope my kids and others, including my xw, would look back and have positive memories of me.

Trying to push my ego aside has been daunting and I am far, far from achieving that task. I am trying to be a role model for my kids that they would be above any petty reaction to what someone would do to them. I don't want them to not learn by their mistakes.

And I hope that I have a positive influence on my xw no matter what happens during the rest of my story. It isn't about me, after all.

Stuck, thank you for making me think about this.

[Grace_O]

My "gut" is telling me to be patient. Now why would my gut tell me that since I am one of the most impatient people in existence?

Like you,I am not know for my patience. Having said that, I have learned to be not only more patient, but to probe things in a more delicate anc compassionate fashion. ah, the things we learn in all of this.

Thanks, Grace, for the hugs! And are we already friends in FB? It is hard sometimes to know if we are with using different "names".

We aren't, but I am out there under my "name" here.

I think you said more valuable things in your post such as not to contact her and to GAL. I agree. I only contact her with regards to the kids. No way around that. GAL. What does that mean? Is it the same for everyone? Does it mean to date others, join a club, travel?

I have a life (as it were) outside of my kids. It isn't huge and tends to be spontaneous so that if they are available to do things....well that's where I want to be.

My D's are 17 and 14 and live with me 24/7. H comes to visit (at my home) once a week and sometimes takes them places. mostly they "hang out". that gives me the one day and it isn't always as convenient for me as I'd like, but I don't need to change it.

I tend to feel that the time I have left with them is too short. I've got plenty of time to do whatever strikes my fancy when they go.


HUGS

[missmyfriend]

Grace, I too have learned to gingerly deal with delicate situations rather than charge in and use my previous strong handed approach.

Kids are such a blessing. I used to think 18+ years was a long time to raise children until I became a dad. Now it isn't long enough. I admit, mine have made it easy on me. They truly are great kids. They aren't perfect but they are pretty close.

I am glad you have your Ds with you all the time. BTW, when did they grow up? Weren't they little just yesterday?

I am sure I will find you on FB. I already know where some of the old timers from DB are on the site.

[Grace_O]

With all I've read, I suspect you're better at delicate situations than I am, but I've gotten better.

I don't know what I'd do without my D's. As difficult as some of it has been(and in all honesty continues to be), I am sooo lucky in that regard. I'm working on a game plan now for when they're gone <sigh>. It feels like no time at all.

I agree that almost anything you can say to them they will use to make themselves feel guilty. They are old enough to understand that guilt implies you've done something wrong and they haven't. It's just that all our choices impact someone other than ourselves. That's not necessarily bad, just the way it is. When I'm having a rough time of things (for whatever reason), I can tell my D's that without any specifics if necessary. They may feel bad for me, but they're learning not to take it on as their fault or something they have to fix. I'm really proud of the amazing young women they are growing into.

[missmyfriend]

Grace, it is unfortunate that no matter what we do, our children will be negatively impacted by what has happened. The only thing we can do to help minimize the impact and to help them make better choices in their relationships by being a positive role model. I am glad your Ds have you.

[missmyfriend]

I have asked my two older children over to the house every night to visit and so far they have been open to spending time with me.

I am seeing some frustration in my youngest. He sees them come over and then go back to their moms. He feels as though they should either stay at home with us or not come over. I have explained that I love them all and will do whatever it takes to see them as much as possible and that includes him, if he is at his moms as well.

I asked him when he went to bed as to when he would be going to his moms. He said he wasnt sure if he would. I told him that although I would prefer to have him every night, his mom is important and he needs her as well. I told him that if he feels he has to show me that he is devoted to me, I already know that but at the same time, I would hope he has a R with his mom.

Gotta go back to class. Ttyl