I agree. It's hard, but be patient. The conversations are SO MUCH better when it was their idea to initiate it. Then you know that they wanted to contact you, even if it doesn't seem like it in the tone.
Just keep remembering how much you do appreciate him. Pray for him. Think kindly of him. Be patient. Your attitude will come across to everyone and he's bound to hear about you from others, even if he is not having contact with you. And if he does have even brief contact with you, he will be able to see your new attitude.
If you have already sent the "thank you email" about the drive to the wedding and the help with the move, etc...., and you haven't gotten a reply yet be patient. I assume it was two days ago or less, give it time. If you try and respond right now you will come across as desperate and chasing.
Find comfort in the fact that you stepped out on the limb and offered an olive branch of friendship to H. I am sure he received it and was accepting of it. For now DB would be to have no expectations of a reply.
Out of curiousity, what did you say in the last email you sent?
This is a hard part. Muster the patience for H and give him time to do his thing. Patience isn't always easy. That's why we GAL. Try and keep your mind off a reply from H by staying busy.
Irish is right here. Keep thinking good thoughts of H so that when he does contact you come across with kindness and admiration. No matter what H does, you have to be the bigger person and you have to be able to greet and treat him well.
IMO, Your H still goes for the strong, independent and capable type. He still loves you, he always will.
IMO, The OW is a distraction for now. It is a big boost to his ego. It is all temporary. It is a MLC delusion. While the relationship is new it is fun. When he tires of the whining and insecurities and controlling demands and immature behaviors he will begin to think again that it's not worth it. That is why you change, gal and greet and treat him well til things change on that front. They will change. Her true colors will show and H will not like them so much. If we were not to change our Hs would go from that bad relationship right into another bad relationship. If our Hs like what they see in us they are more likely ro re-visit their marriages, especially those who really can't seem to go through with a D from us.
Love H from afar for now. Let him make his own choices. Be there when he wants you. It's not over yet!!!
Take care and hugs, I know how you are feeling.....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
It’s been two days and no reply. I wasn’t really expecting one but it would have been good.
I decided against thanking my H for taking/helping. From his perspective he was helping the kids not me, so not wanting to interfere with their relationships, it’s up to them to thank him. I did thank him for the one thing he did for me though. Then put in a short chatty bit about the wider family.
Trying hard to be loving from afar, I will keep Irish’s and Sanderik’s comments with me – it’s a good idea to keep thinking good thoughts and let my actions or interactions with others speak for themselves. I’m working hard to validate his actions to the wider family and am not being vindictive. Difficult though.
I agree that it is sometimes hard to stay loving when the wider world (and especially family) is angry with the choices he is making. I faced so much vindictiveness from family and friends, so much venom, and I just decided that if I let that in and wallowed in it I would just be bitter and angry... not what I wanted to be. So it has not really been a difficult thing for me to be loving from afar, because that is how I feel. It has been much harder for me to ride the roller coaster of HIS emotions pulling me close and pushing me away.
Assuming you have not had a reply. Don't let it bother you. Let it go....
Hope you are doing OK.
Maintain your PMA and Patience....
Take care,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Yep no reply although I did receive an email from him on a completely unrelated subject.
So now I’ve got two goals.
1. To get an email correspondence going. I continue to do that as it’s a bit too soon to work out whether or not it’s working. Not sure whether this is specific enough and also any reply from my H is out of my hands, but I’m going with it for a bit longer.
2. Do the loving from afar thing. I’ve noticed that putting this to the forefront of my mind is changing my attitude towards my H for the better. All we need now is for him to notice the change – that’s the difficult bit. Still early days. I see this goal as working on me rather than directly putting the M back on track.
I hope you can get the email going back and forth. Just remember to keep it light and positive and no negatives.
Men speak in logic and have no use for emotional stuff.
Love him from afar, he will notice. He is watching from afar for sure. Don't disappoint him.
I think with time, after friendships are(re)built, is the only time a reconcilement is ever possible. The friendship must feel good on both sides and be free and fun. As long as OW(s) are in the picture it cannot go beyond a friendship. This is where DB gets toughest. DB is all about getting you back and second getting H to notice and hopefully want to come back to us.
Keep working towards your goals. You will be the better for it.
I am a downer right now. I have lost my get up and go for a bit. I am sorry if I come across that way. I am looking for better days.
Take care,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Feeling positive about me which is the best feeling. I know that I’ve changed loads for the better since my H left, I look better, I act better, I’m more honest and open, I do more interesting stuff and I don’t smoke. I don’t cling to the past and whine about what could have been and I’ve allowed my kids to grow up into fantastic people who are discovering their own way in the world. They know I’m there when needed. My H has noticed of that I’m sure, but don’t think he act on any of it, that’s his loss. That’s really out of my hands and therefore something I can’t worry about.
The door will always be open to discuss reconciliation if he so wishes; friendship is another matter. Not sure that mine and his idea of friendship are the same, friendship just on his terms when he wants it is not good enough for me. Had enough of crumps. Continue to love from afar though, not letting that go just yet.
Cas, JCJ, Sandrerika and Co welcome to my fabulous world – join in it’s great. Chin up girls best foot forward
