I think you handled the situation with your youngest son well BUT here is an alternative angle from his POV that you might want to consider.
He is the youngest of 3, all his life he has had to stand in line to get attention (as I mum of three myself I can say this with conviction b/c no matter how hard you try to split yourself equally it never really happens in reality as the one who shouts loudest usually gets heard). Now suddenly he has one parent ALL TO HIMSELF. Just consider for one moment how good that would feel in ordinary circumstances never mind for a child whose mother essentially abandoned them. He's told you how he feels, as young as he is (which from memory is about the same age as my youngest) he is still old enough to make up his own mind and know what he wants. Respect his decision and if XW asks make it quite clear that it is his decision. Given him this time and eventually he will miss his mum, perhaps get a little jealous over what the other two are doing with her and make up his own mind to see her. That way there is no pressure for either you (and hence no guilt) and eventually everyone is a winner. Trust me it won't take long before he is itching to go over there to spend some time with her.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
ACJ, excellent advice. I think he has heard that he is "safe" with me if he decides to "visit" his mom so I don't need to bring it up again, unless he does.
I am still working up how and what I am going to say to the two older ones. I have been fortunate to see them most every night but it isn't the same.
Thank you.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I am still working up how and what I am going to say to the two older ones
As someone who has learnt the hard way with my S17 I would recommend that you let them come to you and again don't say anything. You've set the pattern now. They will either keep it or they will tell you that they wish to do other things. That may not necessarily mean spending time with their mother. Just like initially we imagine the WAS and the OP doing all sorts of things together and having a fab time (when really it is far from that) it is the same with our children.
However, all of that being said you do seem to have 'nicer' children than mine so maybe you should go with your gut
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I wouldn't say I have "nicer" children. I have read what your H has done to them over the past couple of years and he has made it much worse on them (and you) than my xw has done to me.
I am considering not saying anything at this time and continue asking them over to visit. If it goes on too long, I will address it again.
Night!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I am so sorry that you're hurting right now. I can't really imagine. Perhaps you could drag S14 out tomorrow? Even when my D's say they don't want to do something, I can usually get them to having a good time. Usually. It's easier with one at a time b/c some of their tasts are so different.
But reality check. If you and your XW had remained happily M would you be expecting to do something with the kids every night? It's a sad fact (but maybe a good one) that kids cope with change far better than adults. Also your kids are at an age where they don't want to spend every waking hour with thier parents. So this is your need and not yours. Believe me I know how hard this is but just try to relax around them and see what happens.
P.S. I find it harder to carry out this advice than give it
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
