HELP!!! I need my DB brothers and sisters!

[missmyfriend]

I am fortunate my mom and sister have gathered around me to try an help ease the pain but I feel such incredible sorry and loss. It is probably not realistic but what has happened recently is more than I can bear.

I know it has been awhile since I posted and there are many who dont know my story. Briefly, my wife left going on three years ago, and I would still say it is an MLC situation, and she left me with taking care of the kids, which I wouldnt have had it any other way. I love my kids and I like being around them. I have always come straight home from work to spend time with them and my wife.

My children are getting older. My D is now 17 as of a couple of weeks ago, my middle child, S is 14 and will be 15 toward the end of the year and my youngest son will be 13 next month.

My wife (now ex) had asked our D to come live with her back in Jan and I was not supportive of it because she works overnight during the week and I didnt like our D to be alone. They reapproached the subject in March and I caved in wanting to please both my wife and daughter. I thought my D would be back home at least every other week but she has come back rarely.

As of last Sunday, my wife approached me stating that our S-14 asked her to live with her. I was sad but I was focused on taking our daughter to practice driving. It really hit me Monday night and since then the depression and loss has been overwhelming. I thought I had sufficiently detached from my wife but it has come back as though when she first left but now is added that I feel I have lost my son and daughter.

I could enforce the parenting plan which lists me as the residential parent with at least 50% of the time having the kids with me but I dont want to do that. I spoke to a therapist on the phone (we couldnt get a meeting until the 31st) and he is familiar with what happened since he was our couples counselor before, during and after my wife left. He recommended that I do not have the courts get involved at this point and not to approach my wife about wanting the kids half the time, at least. Please understand that before I had the kids all the time with the exception of every other weekend from a Friday evening until Sunday morning for many months. I missed the kids when they were gone but I filled in my time with things I wanted to get done and didnt pine for them all the time. It would be the occasional thoughts of missing the entire family for activities we used to do together.

Anyway, the counselor recommended that I speak to the kids "hearts" explaining how I am feeling, even to the extent of the loss I am feeling and explain that I am not wanting to manipulate them by guilt. He said that I am the kids safe place because they know I will always be here for them and that their mom, as much as she does love them, has left them before and they are probably worried that if they dont stay with her, she will leave them again. He is concerned that she actually will even if they do stay with her as she has done it before and questions her motives. I personally am hoping my wife is on her way to healing by wanting the kids.

To add why I think she is trying to regain what she lost, is that I found out from my youngest that his mom asked him if he wanted to live with her. With that information, I dont think my D or S asked her if they could live with her but that she asked them.

The horrible feelings I am having right now are that I have lost my children. I do not question whether they love or like me. I know they do but I cannot stand my house being nearly empty. Even though they are busy with their friends and gone most of the time when they were living at home, they were sleeping here and I saw them in the morning and could hug them and kiss them goodbye.

Now I am tearing up writing this because of how much I miss them. I dont know if or when they may come home for more than a day. This is too soon. I know the natural thing is for them to leave when the go to college and when the get their own place. I was expecting summers for them to be home.

I need all of you. Please tell me what I should do. I cannot bear this.

mmf

[missmyfriend]

I wanted to add that I am considered the parent where the kids are to reside physically with my wife getting visitation rights for up to 50% of the time. To be clear, I have never discouraged my kids and wife from spending time together. This, though, is almost as though she has 100% custody with me seeing them for an evening but they go back to her place. I cannot handle that. I dont know how she was able to handle that for 2 to 2 1/2 years.

[dncrm]

Hi MMF,

I can feel your pain as I read what you've written. I'm so sorry.

Your C is so right. I have 3 kids all around the same age as your children and I agree with your take on it. You are their safe place and they know you were the one who was always there for them. You may lose them temporarily at least physically, but never emotionally. They are certainly old enough to understand what really is and they are old enough to decide where they want to live. That's not to say that I don't think you should tell them exactly how important they are to you. Kids can never hear that enough.

I know that said you thought your daughter would be home by now, but in the big picture she really hasn't been gone all that long. I think it could be vastly different with your son. Your daughter is at an age where she needs her Mom in a different way than your son needs her. If you are right in that your ex asked them to move in, she put them on the spot. She's lucky that your kids have the capacity to love her inspite of her leaving them. Sorry but I believe that this is the epitome of selfishness. Most Moms I know would sacrifice their happiness before they'd ever leave their babies no matter what their age.

Be patient, continue loving them unconditionally, and letting them know that they can always come home.

Hugs,
DSM

[forward]

MMF, I have a hard time imaging what you're dealing with. I'm glad you are getting help from a C.

I know this is what we say so much but how are you taking care of yourself and what are you doing to get through things?

[millicent]

MMF,

I think I remember you. I used to be W8ing.

I just started crying when I read your post. I just know, from my own perspective, that having the kids made going through all of this a little bit easier. At the beginning of the summer, my H wanted more time with the girls. It is just one more night every week and an additional night every other weekend. Not that bad, but I still hate it.

I don't know that I have great advice. Yes, I would avoid the court system if possible. I also wouldn't talk to them in a manner in which they would feel guilt. They really are in the middle and you don't know how the discussion went with their mother - if guilt played a role in that. But with all of this being said - I do think that kids need both their parents and the schedule that you described simply isn't enough and isn't healthy for your kids.

Again - I don't know that I have any magic words for you. I just wanted to let you know that I was so sorry about the situation you are in now. Please try and take care of yourself.

Millicent

[Grace_O]

((((mmf))))

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. It is a loss, if only of time. I know how you treasure all the little moments you have with the kids.

I have to say that if your ex is doing the asking it puts a different light on the whole thing. I agree that it really puts the kids on the spot and I don't know that she isn't using guilt. I would hope not, but...

If you can stay out of the courts, that's probably best, have you talked to your ex about how often the kids will come home? Does she feel it her "turn" to have them? Has she said anything about all of this to you esp acknowledging how difficult it must be? Is she open to negotiation?

My D's are right in the same age range as your kids and like you, I feel I'll be loosing them way to soon as it is. I don't have any wise words for you. It sux and it isn't fair.

Do talk to the kids about how you feel. They are your children and therefore I trust the can be compassionate and understand that you aren't trying to guilt them into anything.

Take care.

[MrBond]

MMF,

First off, I'm real sorry for the pain you feel. I know how tough it is not having your kids around.

Second, I'd like to say you shouldn't have given her the kids in the first place. You had the agreement in place for a reason. Because she walked out. Period.

If she wants to have the kids living with her, she needs to earn your respect. I have a feeling you've never detached from her and maybe funneled all of your emotions into your kids. Now that your kids aren't there, you have no emotional lifeline.

Well MAN UP! That's the reality.

Your W has been walking all over you. She's been cake eating from day one and she knows she can do it. She hasn't experienced the consequences of her actions. If you still want her to come back, you have to get her to respect you. You even felt worried about your kids' safety, and you still gave them to her.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I can totally see why you're tearing up inside. Just because she gave a few eggs doesn't make her a mother.

I really do pray for you.

[Grace_O]

mmf,

How are you holding up today?

HUGS

[missmyfriend]

Grace,

I'm doing pretty good. I was in good spirits yesterday since I picked up D-17 and S-14 at about 4:30pm and they stayed until a little past midnight.

Today has been a little tougher. I have had a few text messages back and forth with the both of them and it sounds like my D wants to spend some time with me after we do some driving instruction. I'm not so sure about S-14. I am watching S-12 play a video game while I am working on my laptop. I can tell I am still depressed because my desktop video card appears to be acting flaky and I cannot make myself swap the card from a known good machine to test it out. It is frustrating. I hate being like this.

I'm still trying to determine the best time to talk to the kids. I don't want to overwhelm them or make them feel guilty. I wish they could just be allowed to be kids for the few years they have left before college.

Grace, I really appreciate your posts above. I don't like seeing someone else go through anything like I am going through. I think what makes it more challenging when the kids are with the other parent is that we aren't together as a family. I have no issues when the kids are doing other activities.

Thank you,

mmf

[missmyfriend]

DSM
If I think about it, I know that I am not losing the kids. It is the missed moments that I hate not being a part of. I was so fortunate to have had the kids for the past 3 years. I appreciate that if their mom had to leave, she didn't take the kids.

Since their mom left, I have encouraged them to have a R with her and to forgive her enough to be willing to accept her reaching out to them. I have tried to explain that her actions does not mean she doesn't love them and at the same time, say that you don't leave your children. For a while, they blamed themselves but I am pretty certain they dont anymore. I am trying to help them build confidence in themselves.

Your final piece of advice is great. I need to remain patient and I need to continue loving them no matter what.

forward
It is challenging. It is more pain than I could have imagined. And I was totally miserable when my XW left.

When she left, she dropped taking care of the things kids need for school, their activities like scouts, etc. I was happy to get more involved, although it was challenging on my own. I don't know how single mothers do this. They should receive awards.

While I had a lot of other people recommend I start dating or get more active elsewhere, I found that after dealing with all of the activities that my 3 children were involved with and my workload from my job, extra time was spent doing fun things with the kids. Also, I have left a lot of things that need to be done to the house by the wayside. I need to catch up there. While I have concerns about what my life will be like, i.e. filled with when the kids are out of the house, I am not worried. I know I will miss them then but that is a normal change in life.

At this time, my focus is how to have a R with my kids if they are living full time at their moms.

Millicent
Hi W8ing! I do remember you! How are you doing?

Thank you for reading my post and sharing your concerns. I agree. I am not interested in involving the court. In fact, I hope that never is required and I don't think it will be. I can state she doesn't want the courts involved either. I also don't want the kids feeling guilty and coming back home for that reason. At the same time, I want them to know how badly I want time with them.

They are so worth it.

Stuck
I understand what you mean about not giving the kids to her in the first place. And I appreciate you being straight with me. I like to work on myself, evaluate what I have done and make improvements.

My kids are at the age that it is challenging to hold them back. I have encouraged them to have a R with their mom, even when they were spitting nails with anger toward her.

The agreement for 50/50 was to be put in place if either she or I were not happy with the arrangements. She seemed completely content with having the kids every other weekend until our D decided to move in with her last March. I was completely taken by surprise when our S-14 decided to stay with her as well just one week ago.

I do think it is important that the kids live with me at least 50% of the time and I will be speaking with them more over the next day or two.

I will not disagree that I am emotionally tied to my children. I have not detached from my XW as much as I had thought. At the same time, family is everything to me. Most people would think me daft for not moving on permanently from my marriage as it has been legally ended.

I haven't given up on her. I have known her for a long time and while she may never come around again, she is worth it too. When I said that I love her and said I would not stop through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, etc etc, I was serious. When I have had R end with others, I had no desire to pursue someone. I felt if they were done with me then the best course of action was to move on. Although I have never been married to any one else as comparison, I believe that would be the case with my XW if I felt that she was truly done with me. There are still sufficient actions, although rare, a past that cannot be explained away and knowing that she has had a past that has haunted her, requiring therapy and questionable choices that she is still making.

While I agree that I have been allowing her to cake eat, I have tried to balance out showing her unconditional love while protecting my children. The current laws do not see her doing anything that would be considered damaging to the children. On a moral stance, I have a lot of concerns.

I would love to have her respect but i think that it will be a long time coming.

Thanks for your comments.

mmf