On being the best O'Dog I can be #2

[orangedog]

Random thoughts:

If I had to boil it down to one fatal event it would have been the argument mid-summer. Youngest asked "Dad, are you ever going to move back with mom?" I answered "Maybe, maybe not. Who knows?" Wife just lost it after this and accused me of giving the kids false hopes. W uninvited me to go with family on long-weekend vacation (in hindsight I'm glad I didn't go) and said she'd proceed with divorce paperwork.

When I mentioned this to P-doc at recent med check his attitude seemed to hint that comment was the worst possible thing I could have said.

I think her response after this argument really ended it for me. If I was holding on to any rope I dropped it after that.
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Separation utterly killed any progress. I felt like I was doing well towards getting us to spend time together and talk but after the move-out, we spent one weekend together with kids, part of an afternoon at a movie, and that was it.

I feel the separation helped me in some ways. I am a lot calmer. I do a lot of fun things. I feel the time I spend with my kids is richer. But it's lonely at times and not what I wanted.
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She's so intent to fast-track this thing to provide "clarity". She apologizes often. Like she has to justify this or something.

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There are some indications that she is struggling (billable hours low, moody, and a few other stats).

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Initially I thought we could continue to be friends or almost family-like after all I knew her for 18 years. However I can't do it right now (or ever?). I had incorrect attachments to that possibility and the best way I can handle it is to detach completely. A H/W relationship is not the same as a family-like relation. All that negative stuff (sep and D) seems to overshadow the other connections.

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I let go of the rope shortly after move-out. Any relationship after that was up to her. I think she expected me to do something but I felt I'd done what I'd done and if she wanted anything else then it was up to her. If you want to be friends then be one. Otherwise I'm content to let you go on your happy way.

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Reconcile? Well never say never but I feel I'm past that and I feel her comment when she delivered the paperwork ("You never know, couples get divorced then ending up remarrying each other all the time.") was just trying to deliver a nicety in the midst of bad news. Kinda like the cop saying, "Have a nice day" after he's written you a ticket. There's too much negative inertia. BFF is settled in for good. Paperwork in progress (maybe even signed this week?). Separate lives. Extended families seem to have bought into sitch. And she's pretty stubborn.

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Whatever!

[orangedog]

Email convo with WomanFriend. Told her I tried but W didn't buy. I'm taking my toys and going home. She replied:

"You put your heart into trying and you can't look back w/regret. This only gives you the chance for something better in your life! Damn exciting if you ask me! "

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When this is over (next week, next month, whenever) I'm going to do something crazy like get a tattoo or go bungee jumping. Just for me.

[healthydad]

Hey OD,

Bungee jumping sounds like a great idea...I've been thinking along those same lines lately...that sometime in the near future I'm going to have to do something to mark the end of this phase - at least until the next transition take hold.

Reading your post before this most recent one, I felt like I was reading a summary of my own situation...our separation also just put an end to it...mostly because of me I think - since she doesn't talk about anything openly enough to make it clear what she wants - even the divorce.

Keeping taking care of yourself, my friend.

-Carlos.

[orangedog]

Supposed to have documents ready by Monday. Haven't spoke much in the last week or two. W has been very bitchy about the whole thing.

W pointed out how good of a deal I was getting on the settlement. While she was getting the house, I was getting a big contribution to retirement funds. Whatever. It's supposed to be an even split. I don't want to get into it.

BFF is starting to become a go-between on kid matters and seems to be more of a mother than wife is (or was). I talk to her much more than W.

Like I said. Whatever.

[robx]

I hate to say I told you so but I did.
You should never have moved out, you should have stayed and let her deal with finding a new place. You should have stood your ground, being nice to an obstinate spouse who wants to separate and live the "single" life never works.

The attitude has to be fine, live a single life, I don't mind if I do the same thing but since you're so hell bent on separating, you leave, find yourself another place, I like it here and I'm not going anywhere.

The bitchy attitude is part of the WAS personality. Getting everything they want gets boring after a while, regardless if people admit it or not, people want a challenge. Boredom sucks and I knew her best friend moving in wasn't going to be temporary, I think I mentioned that before too.

You need to start doing what's best for you.

And if you haven't heard from Gucci or Puppy on this (and you may have heard it from me), you need to start dating other women - no one is telling you to sleep with anyone or fall in love, all we're asking you to do is show that you respect yourself enough to not let someone disrespect you as much as your wife currently does.

You currently have no value in her eyes, if you did, she wouldn't have let you go, she knew she could have you at any time and that made you less desirable from her point of view.

It's time for O'Dog to start dating and showing the wife that he will "move on" faster than she will, when it becomes your decision instead of hers, the dynamic in your relationship will change and you will see a change in her perception of you.

Please don't tell me that you're against doing this on the grounds of your marriage - do what works otherwise expect more of the same in your situation.

Sometimes we don't see what is so clearly laid out in front of us because we're too close to the situation to fully grasp everything that is going on. I hope this 2x4 helped.

[orangedog]

Yeah, I knew I would get an "I told you so". Have no problem with the dating thing. Currently not sure if even want to bust the divorce. In any event O'Dog won't isn't going to lift a finger to do anything about it.

[orangedog]

I hope this 2x4 helped.

You know I think it helped. I know I don't want to waste my time on this stuff anymore. I knew the risks, took 'em, and you were right. Thanks for making your point well after it needed to be made. Like I said earlier, whatever.

Orangedog is moving on.

[robx]

It's not wasting time if you start charting a direction in your life that brings you to the place where you want to be.

It sucks when you think you're doing all these things so that your spouse will notice, shake their head a bit (or pull it out of their a$$) and rethink what they're ultimately doing to their marriage and you finally realize that they're stubborn and set in their ways and you aren't going to pull the rabbit out of your hat this way.

Detach, move on, start dating, reclaim even more confidence, discover yourself.

This is when you will gain value not just in her eyes but in your own which ultimately more important.

When you start to move on and on your own terms, she will see this and that's when she will be changing her mind and asking you to give it another shot.

The only pitfall with this that i've experienced is this,
when you detach so much that you actually move on with your life and the WAS notices this, it's often too late because by the time they get it, that it's now your decision to move on when all along it's been them that controlled the shots, you're not interested enough to consider them as worthy of you as a spouse.

Who knows what happens at this point, whatever does happen though, it will be on your terms and you will be calling the shots, and life will be much more enjoyable because of it.

[bluerain]

Hey Orangedog, Im sorry that things have gotten to this point. But you seem like your coping well...?

I think that regardless of what happens with my H, or the D, I am in a better place because of DBing, the positive changes that I was encouraged to make have been good for me. I hope that you have come away with a similar feeling.

Did you see my blip in the ADN on the 13th? Its called please dont kiss the wildlife. Really, thats the title.

[orangedog]

1. Still no paperwork. Everything's been approved but no word on the signing party I got a gift basket when I closed on the house. I expect at least as much from this event, dammit! It's a drag on me to mentally prepare for this then have to wait.

2. BFF has been supermom. Lately seen at the elementary school chumming around like she's one of the parents. W called me yesterday out of the blue and said that even she felt upstaged. While it's nice to have the help, I'm not sure about having a third parent.

3. Got torn up bad this week by "The Black Dog". Hard to work. Hard to concentrate. Hope those bites don't become infected. Was fine until this week - not thinking about sitch much. I just want this sh over so I can get back to my own show.

4. Been leaning hard on WomanFriend this week. Her best words this week were, "Keep being true to yourself."

5. Working on zen. Letting go. Living right now. Trying not to make sense out of things that don't make sense.

ReligiousFriend keeps asking me to go to his conservative church. I enjoy his insight and reflections but it's not something I want to do. In life outside this forum few know my practices and beliefs except maybe my kids (not sure W even knew). Sooner or later I need to come out...or not.

6. Latest distraction. Old classic motorcycle. Cheap but fun. Ride it this summer. Restore it this winter. This was my one 'pull money out of savings - do something crazy' thing allowed. My kids love mc s too and enjoy riding along down the quiet city streets.

7. Yes, I realize it's a perfect opportunity to read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"

8. Bluerain. I looked up your article by title and I promise not to pick up cute cuddly otters. The kids and I got to meet Chance the fox at the AK Zoo so I can understand now how people think these animals could even be pets. Let me know if you're ever up here in A town.