Finally Letting Go

[SophieL]

Hi SueS

Sorry to hear you're having to deal with all this.

You did absolutely great on not talking the divorce with your daughter.

"He told me....you'll cash in on 600k for an insurance policy that will have you two set....they'll find my body in a ditch somewhere.

Does it really get this out of control and crazy?"

I know with my xH it did get really bizarre and crazy which was to me really surprising as xH is not a bad person. However, it did get really silly with him telling me I was out to ruin his career, I'd be responsible for him drinking his life into oblivion etc etc. Our divorce will be final next month, but he's already started a new business, is involved with organzing an international conference and is looking forward to a rosy future with OW, or rather his GF.

He consistently told me I was crazy, I was out of my mind etc etc. I began to believe I was crazy and saw a counsellor for almost a year before I believed I was not demented.

What helped me was to separate my life (we lived in the same house for almost two years after separating so this was really really tough) from his; and to keep our interactions focused on practicalities rather than emotion. Any time conversations veered into emotions, I'd say 'however, that's not the focus. let's deal with this 'issue'.

Sending you thoughts for strength.

S

[NoCodeBlues]

Oh, please! Your H is such a drama king(?) He's attempted all of these overly dramatic acts out on you before, if I recall correctly. He needs to get over himself and face his own demons. No one can do this for him. The first thing he needs to do is to stop trying to manipulate you.

And his using your D to try to get to you is just underhanded and pathetic.

Stand strong, Sue. With every word and deed, he just proves he is still only concerned for himself and no one else, and that he will use you, your D or anyone to preserve his own self-interests.

[dday101798]

Why is this man out of work, he should be nominated for best actor award and signing contract deal left and right

Holy bajezzes, 99.99% of all the things he's says as the WAS is we the LBS normally do.

"Cake-eating", oh yeah, for sure.

Do yourself a favor, if possible, have BIL keep tabs on him during his stay and monitor him so that you do not have to answer his calls and he can spend a few days processing what you are telling him and need to keep telling him, ENOUGH already.

All of his pitty party cries are of his own doing, if he has to move so far away, he should of thought about that when he tanked off to do whatever he wanted for himself and made those choices, and with choices comes reward or consequence, nothing more.

In the mean time, I second packing up everything of value that is yours an dget them somewhere safe. I was told that a little too late in my situation, so trust me. And also, document EVERYTHING! His comments to harm you, himself, hell everything he says is enough to justify you grounds.

[trytoohard]

Contact the authorities in IN in the town he is visiting and let them know that he has your 5 year old and has threatened suicide. He sounds like a cowardly sociopath that "probably" won't hurt himself but just in case, you want to demonstrate responsible behavior with regard to your daughter.

My STBXH used to do similar things as your H. After 5 years of separation, our D will be final in two days. He now tells me that he just thought I would always be there for him, no matter how sh!tty he was to me. It is JUST NOW hitting him that I am done!

Best of luck.

[SueS]

Thank you all!

H has already called twice today and emailed several times. Of course he's been polite each time. I haven't said much other than the yes or no answer to what he asks. I did talk to D5 twice now. She's doing well and is excited because she gets to see her 8-yr old cousin today. They get along well and she misses her.

I see how he's trying to use D5. I even told him that I see it and that it's unfair. At first he said, yes, I will use her. Then, he stumbled and said, but I'm using her not just for her but for us....I want us together.

What to do? In his last email, he said that he was glad that I talked to him last night. That he appreciated it. I had started an email back to him but I'm not sure if it's something I should send. He doesn't know that I'm aware of every single nasty text sent between him and OW just last week. You know, at the same time H claims to have been trying to figure out how to reconcile things with me, including going back to church. Oh yeah, and church.....the same church that D5 and I went to just a week ago (didn't go yesterday).

In my email response (not sent yet) I let him know what I'm aware of. I told him that words from him mean nothing to me anymore. He's even friends with OW, her sister & her brother on FB....and I mentioned that too. I mean, c'mon.

My sister thinks that I should let his family know that he's been telling me that he will harm himself. It's hard to reach out to them when he's there.

[dday101798]

My sister thinks that I should let his family know that he's been telling me that he will harm himself. It's hard to reach out to them when he's there.

Yup, I still hold that notion as well.

I wouldn't send the e-mail, or at least don't get specific, just say you know, not what you know, but you know.

My XW has and still does use the boys, pretty crappy and explicity written in the parenting agreement not to do, but none the less she still does, just no where near as bad as in the begging. Perhaps they do it because they (WAS) realizes that compassion for them from us is no longer there, but the kids will always have it, and are just trying to sap off of it.

[trytoohard]

Sue-
Don't send an e-mail and don't talk about any reconciliation or anything! Just communicate about your girl and that is it. If he pushes, tell him you don't want or need to talk about that right now and change the subject or get off the phone.
From experience....once he thinks he has you roped back in he will revert to the same behavior. Look at all he has shown you so far like won't work, nasty and mean when he doesn't get his way, stoops to trying to get a rise out of you by threatning his own life, is friends with a lover and her family on FB, need I go on?
Not attractive in any way. Just sit back an watch. Words should mean nothing, only actions at this point.
Good Luck!

[Yoyowife]

Oh honey, I've been off of the boards for a couple of days. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Wish I was closer to come over and give you a hug. Call me if you need someone to talk and vent to.

Hugs, Yoyo

[SueS]

Hi everyone-

Hi Yoyo. I've missed you!!

Life has yet again taken another twist. I received flowers today from H. Well, D5 said they were from her too. They are beautiful and something that I haven't received from H in years.

I talked to my BIL and he told me that H has been a mess since being home in IN.....crying, throwing up, telling them that he'll do anything he needs to do to not only do right by his family (me and D5), but getting his life straightened out.

H and I talked for a little while last night. The only time I've really seen my H cry was over the death of his mother and the birth of our daughter. I've never seen him throw up over anything. H said these things.....some of them while crying.

* You talked to me a couple of years ago about a program you wanted us to attend (Retrouvaille). I want to go. I want the information. I want to sign us up. I don't care what it costs or what I have to do, I want to go with you.

* I know that when I get upset I react and say things quickly before thinking. I know that needs to change.

* All these years whenever something got hard to handle, my first reaction was to run from it, whether that meant moving to a new state or an affair...etc. I'm tired of running.

* I need help. I need to talk to someone. I want to find someone that I can talk to, preferably a pastor.

* I know that you deserve more and I know that I don't deserve another chance but I just need the chance to prove to you that I can and will change for good this time.

* I want to be the father that D5 needs and deserves. I want to be there for her.

* I want to be the husband/man you deserve.

* I have told OW to never contact me again, that she will never hear from me. I have told her my decision is final. She is erased from my phone and in my mind, from my life. She and her family and any friends we had in common are gone from my FB account.

These are all things that I have NEVER heard my H say before. I'm unsure about things. I've told him that I don't think he can change. He said that he's certain this time that he can...that he's hit a bottom and realized what he had to lose.

I know that he has a long way to go in proving any of this to me. He said that he knows I won't change my mind overnight. I am very skeptical. I am also very confused.

SueS

[kat727]

Actions speak louder than words. He has to show you loud enough for you to listen. You are confused because you wanted this from him for some time and you want to know why now. The reason Why now is because you said no more, enough and meant it.

He is afraid(finally) that he might actually lose you. Make him walk that mile in your shoes and don't for one instant feel sorry for that. He sent you on a round trip to Hades, that is the least he could do.

hugs, kat