Some of you know me, some don't. I won't bore you with too many of the details of my past. Just know that I came from the Infidelity forum. My H of almost 15 years (18 together) has had at least 2 affairs that I'm aware of. I feel like there have been more. He is also a functioning alcoholic who is an admittedly selfish man. He has vowed his love to his latest affair.
So, here I am. Those that know me are probably saying....what took you so long? I am ready to let go. I'm not sad at all. I'm more certain of the decision to end my marriage than I've been of almost anything in my life.
My H has been telling me for months, actually a few years now that he can't think of spending the rest of his life with me. I've gotten to the point where I feel the same way. My H has said some very, very nasty things to me and I'm done. I'm ready (in time) to find someone who will treat me right, as I deserve to be treated.
Even though my H has told me these things and is supposedly passionately in love with another woman, I'm ready for a backlash of anger from him. Why? Because I told him tonight that I am ready. That I will start the process and get it done. That it took me longer to get here, but I'm here. He has started to give me sh*t about it. He asked who helped me make the decision. Am I seeing someone else? Am I in a rush to get it done? That I'm cutting myself off from good sex. On and on and on. It's odd this time though. Nothing that he says hurts any more. I feel like a duck letting it all roll off my back. My best friend told me that eventually I would get here and she was right. It took a while, but I'm here.....ready to finally be happy. I don't want those that don't know me to think that this was an easy decision or that I see it as a funny thing. Those that know me known that I've gone through complete hell.....and I've finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel.
So, hello everyone! I'm back on DB after a bit of a break.
Have a good night and I'll see you all again soon!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
It is like they say -- only you can possibly know when the time is right in your own sitch to either call or fold. I, for one, know this has been a looong path for you to get to this point. Most of us here know just how long and hard you tried to fight for your M, and how many second chances you gave your H. And the real, unmitigated abuse that you suffered. As much as I am the sort to always support another person's M, I could never gainsay your decision that enough was enough -- because if you, Sue, say enough is enough, then it probably is by this point.
We love you and support you in whatever decision you make.
I second that. You have gone through the wringer over him sooo many times. It is all about you and your sweet little girl now. I am going to make it up North someday and I will let you know when. I will be here soon myself, don't think I fit in over in Infidelity anymore. My thread just keeps on going and going and going. Funny we used to complain how soon they would cut them off and now they just let them run! LOL
Have a wonderful day Sue. Thinking of you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Sue, we all know how hard you fought to keep your M. But you can't do it completely by yourself forever.
It is a process. It took me a while to get here too, slowly, slowly detaching. Everyone has different time tables for what they can handle.
I think most of us here, including you, really value marriage and don't mind putting in the hard work. That's something you should be really proud of!!! And you do deserve to have someone that will treat you like you should be treated--like the beautiful, wonderful woman you are!!! Karen
Well, the past 2 day have been 2 very hard days. As I said, on Friday night I told my H that I was finally where he has been for 2 years now, ready to be done. As the weekend went on, his anger and his attitute only increased. He told me that he wanted to try again. I told him that I just couldn't do that. I am done.
My H has gone from telling me that he wants to try again to telling me what a heartless, cold, uncaring b*tch I am. How I have no regard for our daughter. He'll tell me that he doesn't understand why I won't give it another try, insisting that I must be seeing someone else, otherwise I'd give it a try. When I insist that I'm done, he tells me that he hopes I die a horrific death in a car crash and that he hopes the next man in my life beaths the living sh*t out of me. My H has never been physical but has used as much emotional harm as he possibly can.
I know some may not understand why I still let him leave, but he took our daughter on a planned trip to IN to see his Dad. I did everything I could to keep a smile on my face for her, hating seeing her drive away.....as he flipped me off.
My H is not working right now. He has had 2 great opportunities in the past 2 months and has let both slip away. On Friday when I told him that I was finished, he asked if I wanted him to move. I told him yes. He asked me when. I told him that I would start the D process so when he was working and could move it would be done. Well, since then, he has told me that I'm kicking him while he's down. He said that since he doesn't have a job here and can't make ends meet on a lower paying job (which he has a possibility of getting an offer on tomorrow, that he'd have to move away to his Dad's in IN or to a friend's in NC. He yelled at me telling me that I'll be responsible for telling our D5 why she had to grow up without her father. He came into the bedroom last night and insisted that I tell her right then and there that I didn't love him anymore and that I didn't want him to live with us anymore. He ripped up pictures, broke picture frames, threw his keys at me.....etc. He told me that if anything every happens to our D5 that he'll kill me. This from the man that got so drunk last year that he flopped down on his sleeping child on the bed and didn't even know it. I had to push him off of her.
I'm having a hard time understanding why the man who has told me for months and months that he's done with me (in several different versions) now suddenly is so extremely angry with me for being at the same point.
Can someone explain? My best friend said that it's the lack of control. It's no longer in his court.
I called my FIL to make sure he knew H was on his way there. My BIL answered the phone. My BIL knows everything about our sitch. He's heard my H rip into me and compare me to the OW. My BIL told me that they knew he was coming. He said that he understands that a person can only take so much and that it's a good thing that I'm finally being honest about the situation. He said if I need to end it, then that's what I need to do. I told him about H's comment to me about me not having D5's best interest in mind. BIL said...you needed to tell him that doing this is exactly with her best interest in mind. My BIL wouldn't say that if he didn't know how his brother really was. My BIL loves my D5 very much and wants only the best for her.
Well, I'd love some input. I'm here by myself. Part of me is dying inside without my D5 and the other part is relieved that I don't have to see H for a few days. They will be back on Wed. My mom worried that my H wouldn't bring her back home. I told her that I'm not worried about that. And, if he threatens that, he'll have the law to deal with because not bringing her back would be a much bigger issue for him.
Thanks- SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I do think it is a control issue. He has gotten to do everything he has wanted and Sue always took him back. He can treat her badly and he can still come home.
Now you are standing up for yourself and your D and he is scared. Doesn't know what he is dealing with or how to get you back under his thumb. I think it is time Sue and I for one am here for you.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I had a tough, tough time when they pulled away. I sat here crying my eyes out. I called my mom and I was an absolute mess. I got on here and posted, which calmed me down. Then I reached out to my best friends. Same exact situation for her, just 11 years earlier. She helped me a lot. By the time my sister called I was angry instead of weapy. I just miss my D5.
My best friend did tell me that it won't get better any time soon. She said, I'm not trying to scare you, simply telling you the truth.
Oh, my H also took my diamond bracelet. WTH??
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
It can get bizarre. My x took the change jar that we kept in the house near the door when he left- we had used to use it for a every-few-years splurge. Probably had about $800 in it.
He won't like it, but you have every right to get the bracelet back. And an opportunity these few days to bring other valuable items that clearly belong to only you to a safe place while he is gone. It is probably another subconscious way to be angry with you - he took it, knowing you will ask about it, so he can go on about how he was the one who paid for it (and what a great guy he was to buy it - now you are a witch wanting it all).
I am sorry to say that he might be angry for a long time. My x is always angry at me - I am the reminder of his mis-steps that he can't get away from.
((((hugs)))) glad that you relied on your support people and are feeling a bit better. Stay busy.
Guilt, loss of being in control, loss of cake-eating, wounded pride and arrogance. All of these are the common reasons a WAS behaves the way your H has.
I can't be sorry for someone so grossly selfish and reckless.
Quote:
he'd have to move away to his Dad's in IN or to a friend's in NC
Oh, puh-lease! We don't need him in NC! We already have one too many such lowly, self-serving waywards in this state -- namely xW's OM. Just one is one too many.
H called 3 or 4 times on his way to his Dad's. I did get to talk to D5 for quite a while. She said, Mommy, if you let Daddy stay, he said he'd be nice to you. I told her that I didn't want to talk about that. I wanted to talk about her. I changed the subject and we talked about movies and what she was going to do when she got to Papa's house.
When I was on the phone with H, he would tell me how he wanted to change and how he knew that he'd done wrong. Then, when I would tell him that I just couldn't do it any more, he'd tell me what a piece of work I am and how I pushed him away and into the arms of the OW. Then, he'd stop that and start almost begging again. He sent me a text telling me the he knows he's a horrible person, that D5 and I deserve more. Then he said....after Thursday you won't ever have to deal with me again. That's when D5 and I are supposed to go to my parent's house for the weekend. He told me....you'll cash in on 600k for an insurance policy that will have you two set....they'll find my body in a ditch somewhere.
Does it really get this out of control and crazy?
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
