A wonderful post and one that I'm sure will help so many. It is so difficult to be patient and keep your heart open when it seems the situation is hopeless.
I'm doing my best to keep my mouth shut, a real 180 for me, I'm a get it all out there girl and then move on whilst my H brews a problem for ages and finally explodes and it takes ages for him to get over it.
H took D to the wedding in my car which was odd as he's never shown any interest in driving it before (got it after he left) and also helped load up van for the the other D. Quite a good few hours actually saw him smile, a first for several months. Feeling positive about all this especially since last time we spoke he shouted at me down the phone that I was keeping the kids away from him (I'm not that's his spin on it). And eye contact!!! he's avoided that since I found out about OW. So all good.
It's not exactly a baby step but it's a positive.
I will email a thank you next week and take it from there. My goal is to get an email correspondence going as that's non threatening and is to his work so he can choose not to tell OW if he so wishes.
Bonny that is great! Doing what works, even though it is often counter-intuitive, is so satisfying, it is what I love about DBing. Yay, for a positive interaction.
I'm going to wait a day or two to reply to any emails so I don't look too needy, desperate and pushy. I'm not actually I've come to realise that whilst I do love my H I'm doing great on my own, sometimes it's easier and to be honest more fun.
I would like to develop a friendship though I believe it's important for the kids they all think it's awkward when we meet up and I want to avoid that. But friendship has to be a two way thing.
Also I'm suspicious of why he was friendly to other day, guilt cos he'd shouted down the phone at me, realised that he'd over reacted or trying to soft soap me for the next step? Over analysing I know, but in the past he's been friendly and then dropped something bad in, I'm trying not to be suspicious but the next time we speak I wouldn't be too surprised if he asked for a D. We shall see.
This is hard, it's nice to be here with people who have been where we are sharing their wisdom and focus. The information here is invaluable for sure.
Hi Bonny,
You don't always have to reply to H either.
For instance when he left your D's, or vice versa if you left first, did you thank him then, if so that's sufficient for that momment.
The next email to H could be something like:
D really loved riding to the wedding with you, I am glad you took her. So how'd ya like my car, drives really good doesn't it!! By the way, D is really enjoying her new place, thought I would share that with you. Glad you were on hand for the heavy lifting. Have a great work week.
You should be careful to mix up the reasons for your emails. To always let's say use them as thank-you's will become boring. H will see your mail and think..."it's Bonny, what's she thanking me for now?"
If you give H some gratitude in the round about way by stroking his ego and mentioning a few things as little nudges to open conversation he will eventually take the bait sort of speak. At some point, and be patient, H will respond to your email with the same. This is how the friendship will begin, teeny weeny baby steps. It has to always be lighthearted, fun and validating while being free of problems, confrontations and negatives. H has to learn to trust and feel safe, let go of the fear. It's like teaching a baby how to walk. They hate to let their guard down and trust that they can do it. They learn to walk though by letting go of the fear.
Bonny even if your H comes back with a D paper in his hand it doesn't mean it's over. I am proof positive of that. Don't dwell there yet. It's not wise....Think good thoughts and be positive.
I do know what you mean though about suspicions. It does seem when they are nice they want something. In my case, I have found it usually isn't/wasn't a bad want though.
You seem the opposite of me on this one....
In my case when H came by and was aggravated and irritated and distant it was when he was really pondering a D. That seems when he was most likely to mention it. I learned right from the get go that it was also the same time OW was pushing hard on him to get one.
Keep the faith, girlfriend....
(((((Bonny)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Some great ideas here Sanderika thanks. I will continue to attempt to get an email convo going but will mix it up a bit so it’s not just about thanking my H for something or another.
Bait not taken so far, but then no one ever said this was going to be easy.
Could do with a bit more help round the house, H knows it needs doing, hasn’t offered so far. I’ll just get on with it then and see what if I get any reaction to that.
They don't come around in thinking for a very long time and it takes lots of repeat performance on your part to "crack the nut"!!!
Eventually it "cracks" and then it is still only with caution that they let their guard down converse with you and open up.
Maintain a certain behavior and practice patience is really all you can do at this point in time. The rest is up to H. If you create a Bonny H likes, how can he D you??? That was kind of my goal. I have succeeded here, at least for now. It's still all about time and patience.
Exactly Bonny, attempt to fix things up yourself. When H sees your accomplishments he will be proud of you even though he won't say it. Don't feel the urge to run and tell him either. He will notice or hear about it even without you telling him. Should you get something taken care of, to act "as if" it's really no big deal looks more attractive. However, if H inquires how you did it or offers a compliment for a job well done, make sure you give him a brief answer and thank him for his interest and obviously thank him for any compliments. Thank you's are always validating to his thoughts and feelings and so it serves to boost his opinion of you.
Remember, you want to look strong, independent and capable and strong, independent and capable are beautiful qualities.
You can do this....what would you like to tackle first?
Will chat later,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I think part of the trouble is that I’m already strong, capable and so on. My H complained that I didn’t need him (one of the reasons he left) and OW is certainly the simpering type. He will I hope revert to type and decide that he wants someone a bit more independent. However if I ask him to do something for me (a 180) he ignores my request. My view is that I have to get on with it, I don’t expect any comment much less compliment. That’s just the way it is.
Dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t.
This will be a hard nut to crack.
Email conv not going well, still being ignored. Continue for a while longer or do darker?
