Trouble is one of his problems with our M was that he felt that I didn’t really need him so asking him is a sort of 180. Having said that I did ask him to do stuff a few months ago and he completely ignored my email. A friend did do something for me a while back and my H was very put out by that. So I seem to be getting missed messages or maybe I’m just over analyzing. What I’ve done is borrowed a piece of kit from a friend who then offered to do the job for me. I’ve said yes and not informed my H. The kids will no doubt fill him in anyway – remaining mysterious is difficult with 4 kids. My approach is that now we’re separated it’s not fair on him for me to go running to him every time I have a problem we both need to lead our own lives. This is what he said he wanted and I’m hoping that the reality of that isn’t as great as he thought it would be.
Firstly, what are the jobs? Secondly last time, how did you ask him? This could be an opportunity here to do things differently AND appeal to man's instinct to help. You can also massage his ego a bit by him feeling good doing them and you complimenting him on what a good job he's done.
Maybe ask him for some help, letting him know that a friend has offered help if he "isn't able" to help you. That way he knows he is needed and his ego is built, but he also knows that if he chooses not to help you, you will be ok - but someone else will be there to fill his place.
As long as this doesn't come across as an ultimatum, I don't see the harm. But you know your own situation!
JCJ – it’s building stuff round the house, going up ladders (I’m too scared).
Last time I asked him by email and I’ve just re read it and it probably did seem to him to be too pushy, didn’t even get a reply to that one. That time I got it done and paid someone. If I phoned it would put him on the defensive I’m trying not to do that. Still at the rebuilding friendship stage.
I think it might be better to get on with it on my own, I’m sure he knows what needs to be done, if he offers I will of course accept.
Unfortunately his ego is pretty big enough already, OW plays the simpering little woman card and he’s being doing work round her house for months. So basically he’s paying for someone else to do up his house whilst doing up someone else’s for free – so who’s the mug?
Yes, but that is the key to the OW! They build up their ego and you are perceived to be bringing him down. Who are they going to look to be with - the positive or the negative??
Does he ever come round to the house? Perhaps you could be doing the jobs when he does and ask him to hold the ladder for you. I betcha he would take over and do it for you.
Hardly ever comes round and I'm not expecting him to.
Good plan though, me up the ladder with the H down below. Hold it, more like knock me off it!
I'm not the simpering type and that's what he loved about me when we were M, he was proud of the fact that I could do anything. Apparently that's not what he wants anymore - he told me as much. It's the old it's not you, I've changed routine
I ask H to do things for me but I always give him an out- I was wondering if it would be possible for you to..... and then add that it's no big deal if he doesn't or I understand if he can't cos he's busy. Most often he does help. For example he picked up my new dryer (it sisn't fit in my car), hung it and took away the old one.
My friend’s done the job so if my H upset that I didn’t ask him it’s too late.
OK I’ve been trying to get some sort of ongoing email conversation going in order to open up communication between us. It started well and he responded to an email that didn’t really need a reply which was good, I then replied and asked a question about one of the kids so far (although it’s only been 1 day) no response. Yet the other month when I asked a question about the kids I did get a response. I’m finding it hard to determine a trend here. Of course as we don’t have day to day contact I’ve no way of knowing if he’s even read it yet.
Not much further to report still no answer to my email.
I'm getting impatient and finding it hard not to obsess about OW.
My H seems to be further distancing himself from both me and the kids. He's got a scheme whereby they visit him once a week and occassionally one day on the weekend, but doesn't seem to want to have much to do with them in between those times. It's not what they need/want and it's making them lose respect for him, that's their R and I shouldn't interfere, difficult though
