Trying to stay strong

[hopeful_cb]

Well I think I'm gonna respond to this tonight bc it needs to be sorted asap. I'll have to try and get in touch.

[hopeful_cb]

Journaling...
Ok, so instead of thinking about what to say and worrying and waiting, I decided just to send a message regarding the bills. I did get angry I just stated that this has put me in a hard place bc of the timing and to let me know when he was free to discuss this as I had a couple questions about it. and that I wish he would have come to me about this issue.

I dont know if that was 'right' but it felt good to be honest about the predicament he had put me in. At first he responded that he was going to bed so can he call me the next day. It was only 9pm...so it seemed to me he was just avoiding dealing with the issue. But I just said ok and when I would be available (ie not while at work) but then he called anyway(what happened to bed time?) I started out very calm and speaking slowly but then while trying to explain myself started speaking faster and he said, ok (understanding the problem) and said calm down (guess the agitation showed a bit there, will have to work on that for next time?) and we talked about things and he could see where he put me in a hard place and offered to help and be flexible so we could sort something out. I also mentioned I had not addressed any of the other things he asked me in his message bc I only just got home and not had time tonight. He followed thru today on what he had agreed to.

He sent a msg earlier updating me on things. I feel like I want to respond and say I appreciate the help with this and his flexibility, or something like that. Does that sound too needy/pursuey? Since he is a WOA guy I just thought it might be good to recognize verbally but dont want to go over the top. He has responded well to this in the past. Maybe I am at the complete wrong place to be thinking about this tho?

Enough about H now....I have had a good week, one of the best in a while (minus the blip w the bills), I feel I handled it ok, got it sorted and moved on, no worrying, obsessing, or dwelling. And the anger only lasted a little bit before I got back on top of things. Work has been good all week, and I have been to another class at the gym tonight and am feeling good for it. I have had nice comfortable evenings and cooked myself a nice dinner each night. I have entertained myself, since most of my friends I know in town are all down with the flu. After I have done all that each evening after work theres not actually much time left before I go to bed! I am planning for and looking forward to the next few weeks and doing more thinking about what I want.

[hopeful_cb]

Not anything new happening. Work week finished, overall a good week. I have felt more like my 'old self' this week than in a really long time.

My plans for the weekend fell thru, so I will find other things to keep me busy and try to aim for doing something more next weekend.

Been doing lots of thinking, not much to say right now really, but its all in my head.

Not heard from H since his email tues in which he was pretty talkative, wrote about his work, his new meds, being stressed out, apartment hunting and bills. Longer than usual and more open. I responded a day or so later, but didn't try to 'fix' any of his problems. I think I need to keep validating but not much else at this point. I will keep working on this as I find it difficult sometimes.

[hopeful_cb]

I am doing my best to keep busy this weekend with gym, swimming, cooking, watched confessions of a shopaholic last night, and going for a coffee with a friend today.

I had some crazy strange dreams on friday night. trying to get those out of my head. In one H and I were being chased by a couple angry Giraffes, v weird.

H text today saying he hopes im well and that he thought he'd see how i am getting on? with a smiley face.

It seems he does want to talk to me which makes it hard. I want to be chatty and friendly and talk, but then I think should I just be 'busy'? I guess thinking about how things have played out in the past the 'busy' routine has never given me any positive results, he just stops contacting me. In fact he even told me when I dont text/email him back or leave it a long while he thinks I dont want to hear from him so stops.

I guess I am just 'thinking' thru my worries here to get them out.

[mac-ct]

Good afternoon Hopefull,

You do seem to be doing a fair bit of journaling.
While this is good to get stuff off your chest, I can't help noticing that you seem to be concentrating on your sitch and nothing else.

You really need to try to take your mind of things. Especially the mind reading, and trying to foretell the future.

I don't mean to say that you should forget about this stuff in your life - just try to downgrade it a bit and focus on yourself.

Chin up!

Mac

[hopeful_cb]

Hi Mac, yeah I guess you are right. I am trying to focus on me and things I am doing. I haven't been talking to people so much about H in RL bc I dont want to focus on it so I guess I have been using this to get it out with journaling.

I'll work on changing my focus this week. I did have a really good week but the weekend has been slow so that doesn't help, but I am trying to balance it out with getting myself busy. So think less, do more.

I found a really good group that runs lots of events and I am going to check a few out this month. It should be a lot of fun and I'll meet more new people and it will help with the 'do more' part I am working on.

Plus its less than 2 weeks now til my holiday and I'm getting excited!

[mac-ct]

Hopeful -

A1 with all the above.

It'll get easier I promise. Not so say there won't be the odd speed bump - but you'll deal with them I'm sure.

Got one of those myself a short while ago for no reason - "I WANT MY W BACK".

Everyone is allowed the odd wobbly - even me

Glad you're looking forward to something good. It really helps.

I'm still inviting half of the Western Cape to the Party on Thursday.
One old friend is coming. She asked if we had sorted things out yet. Said no. Was shocked. Said we'll talk on Thursday. Double goodness

Hugs

Mac

[mnt_dreams]

H text today saying he hopes im well and that he thought he'd see how i am getting on? with a smiley face.

It seems he does want to talk to me which makes it hard. I want to be chatty and friendly and talk, but then I think should I just be 'busy'? I guess thinking about how things have played out in the past the 'busy' routine has never given me any positive results, he just stops contacting me. In fact he even told me when I dont text/email him back or leave it a long while he thinks I dont want to hear from him so stops.

Maybe now is the time do something different, and see if you get a different result?

[hopeful_cb]

Ok backed off a few days trying to get my head together. Decided if I feel like responding to H I will, if I don’t then I wont and im gonna stop over thinking everything. Base it on what I want/feel, not him or anyone else. I would like to try and encourage more conversation btw us, which has been happening more recently initiated by him (mostly thru emails & texts so far). But keeping with no expectations, if he’s open to it, ok good, if not im ok with it and I carry on like usual.
just typing off the top of my head to get thoughts out, off to the gym now!

[hopeful_cb]

well I made it thru the week. It was a rough week for me and am taking the weekend to recover.

I've had a few emails and texts from H. He is so hot and cold that I've stopped trying to figure it out. Last weekend and at the beginning of the week he was really chatty w me, telling me some things about his week and whats going on with him, I responded when I felt like it. After several days of that back and forth he goes all business like with v short emails/texts.

Yesterday I sent a message saying I need the extra keys to my house back before I go away next weekend, when would he be able to get them to me? (I don't want to go away with the worry that he may come into the house while I'm not here.) I dont think he would but I dont trust him either. I don't know why I didn't ask for the keys back a long time ago. He said he is away for the weekend but will get them to me in the week. Just knowing that sets off the thoughts, but I am trying hard to snap out of it and get them out of my head.

I feel like the next thing I need to do is tell him to come get his stuff out of my house. Its been 5/6 months and he hasn't made any effort to get his things eventho he is so sure its over. That is probably just the anger making me want to say that to him. End of the day does it really matter if his stuff is here? Its just stuff. Maybe I just need to act as if its the last thing on my mind (and then make it be) I am too busy w my life to worry about his stuff right?

Ok some venting there. I need to get a game plan together and just stick to it, I do much better w a plan. I find it hard to do the plan part.

More about me, I had a nice chat w a friend last night that cheered me up a bit. I talked to my sister today and her baby will be coming anytime now, she's just waiting to go to the hospital. So maybe today or tomorrow. I am visiting at the end of the week for 2 weeks, but it just doesn't look like its gonna wait for me! I really wish I could tell H the news, but I have to remember that was the old me and the old H, so I didnt.

I haven't been posting as much bc it seems like it just ends up coming out as thoughts of everything going round in my head. I feel like I need to find direction, somehow. Where are all the big signs with arrows pointing me the right way?!? I hope everyone is doing well this weekend.